Sorry folks it's me again

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My day started off well, I'd booked an hours pony trek which has taken me ages to pluck up the courage for. I went and had a great time the first time in ages I felt ok after the anxiety before hand and didn't fall off. 

Anyway got home had some up setting news from my son which I cannot go into any further as promised I wouldn't tell anyone. Lost the plot, went to aqua aerobics then bought a bottle of wine and bar of chocolate for my tea, nearly at the bottom of the bottle, cut my arm, haven't taken my meds, talked to the samaritans and still don't feel any better, got an appointment with my manager tomorrow had a talk with the union rep yesterday and it doens't look good, following the report from the psyciatrist Go back to work and put up with feeling sh** and get on with it or wait to see if they decide they cannot support me anymore and get rid of me. got 5 half years to go before my pension if taken early I loose a hell of a lot. Just in a mess, can't think straight anymore except just say f*** you and take it into my own hands which deep down I know isn't the answer. I thought I wasn't doing too bad over the past few days. Then wham back to feeling rubbish. 

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9 Replies

  • Posted

    Do I just finish the dregs out of the wine bottle and go out somewhere I won't drivethere is some sense there somewhere but live in the middle of nowhere so thats fine.....plenty of places to diappear into.
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  • Posted

    Tina,

    So sorry to read how your day started on a good note and then changed. I hope and send my best wishes regarding your earlier news.

    Its such a pain to suffer and be low so much of the time to then have a moment or even sometimes only a glimmer of better feeling, and then it be shortlived.

    I can relate to much of the feeling you describe as i too feel much the same and have suffered problems most of my life. I really struggle with these and have found no real help from my medications, often going crazy whilst i dont understand. I tend to go off the rails with my drinking for many days at a time. I live alone and have this overwhelming feeling of not being able to look out the window or go out, if look out i get upset at seeing people having a 'normal' day. Something inside keeps telling me "This is my world my horrible little bubble of existance" and going out would poison others with my negative feeling.

    At this time im on a waiting list for psychiatric help for who knows how long, i feel as though they just want to shove us out and forget about us.

    Once again i send you my care and best wishes

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    • Posted

      Hi Michael

      Nice to know some other poor sole is still up at this time in the morning. Wine now finished, meds taken. 

      sorry that you have suffered most of your life i'm one of the lucky ones then I've only been feeling like this for just over a year. Don't tend to drink too much but this evening what the heck. 

      I'm also lucky in a funny sort of way as I am under the care of a cpn and psychiatrist only because I have tried to take my life and the police got involved bit of a drastic way but at least I am getting the assistance to a certain extent, nit thats what i thought at the time. these waiting lists have a lot to answer for don't they.

      Yes the meds don't necessarily help but they keep handing them out, 

      I hope you get the help you need soon not that I find it that helpful but I suppose you get out what you put in, it's not for the want of trying.

      Hope you have a restful night whats left of it.

      Tina

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  • Posted

    I just want to scream, shout, smash stuff up including myself. I don't really know what I really want anymore i've discussed to day about me trying to return to work again because I can't see myself living with no income. It might work out ok it might not but I won't know unless I try. Got to stay off the wine. chocolate and rubbish food. Want to stop these mirtazapine but frightened of the withdrawel symtoms. I just want someone to hug me and make everything go away. I just want to feel loved, I currently hate my life, I'm tierd of keep trying, I'm just so fed up, but I can't leave my two yuung grandchildren. I just can't do it to them. Just got to keep on and on and on. Rant over............
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    • Posted

      Hi Tina,

      I really feel your pain, so much. Reading your last post sounds so much how i feel also, the only difference is my job i have already lost. I too get so fed up trying everyday and then the same again. I am sending you hugs! How you have described is exactly how i feel.

      I have to admit im yet again drinking heavily tonight and feel guilty of each glass of rum that i down, yet i still cant help it. I hate this life of unloved feelings also.

      But as you say we just have to carry on if not for ourselves, for our loved ones as we know what pain we would put on them.

      Please be assured, i have hope for us both and please take care

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    • Posted

      Hi Michael

      Thanks for asking not doing too bad at present had a discussion with my cpn today about trying to return to work as I'm am so bored, never thought i would actually say that. Will discuss with my GP too on Friday. Have the occupational health appointment on Thursday too so will discuss a plan of phased return with them as it's them that advise my employer. 

      Sorry that you ended up loosing your job, have you managed to find another or even had interviews, I wouldn't know where to start as I've been with the same employer for over 30 odd years, sad or what.

      Trying to stay off the wine for a few days, never actually tried rum!

      Hope your feeling a bit more postivie this week and also trying to stay off the alcohol, i know it's easier said than done when your feeling so fed up. Thank you for my hugs, sending hugs back.....

      you take care

      Tina x 

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  • Posted

    Hi Tina, pretty sure everything sorted itself out?  Having wine and chocolate for

    your dinner might just have something to do with the say you were feeling.  Personally, I try and avoid meds. as much as I can, having said that there is a very

    good reason for it, which won't be shared right now.  Good luck.

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