Sort off calmed down maybe not

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Had my appointment with my line manager this morning update on everything went ok, awaiting report from the psychiatrist which I should hopefully discusssing at my apppintment on Friday if they have recieved the request as OHS sent it to the wrong address anyway that;s another story, then saw the new office manager (bit of background the office I work in has had several temp managers over the past year or so, all know of my circumstances I haven't hid anything from them) anyway she starts talking about this report and will await to see what the occupational health service people suggest, then went on about early reitiement due to ill health might be an option if i can't cope with my work, I've worked for the government for 34 odd years and then I get this curve ball thrown at me out of the blue. My sick record has been excellent apart from the past year due to my bereavement now mental issues. I was knocked for six, maybe I've read too much into this until this report but got home very upset went out for a drive nearly crashed my car several times driving down single track roads in the rain. spent ages sitting on the rocks at the beach I tried to kill myself in January (do not feel suicidal at present) just very angry, upset, Got soaked in the rain came home now hit the wine bottle. I'm only 54 for f*** sake I just want to destroy everything myself, house, I just need to calm down but I can't. I f**** hate thses bloody issues that I can't control. I'm trying to breath calmly but its niot working supprised I haven't broke n these keys. Sorry ,,,,,,,,,,,

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  • Posted

    I'm just thinking, Tina. My own mental health has improved no end since I retired, even though I was out of work for long periods at the end of my career, due to having to look after my mother, who had dementia. In the country where I live, what you earn in your final working years has a disproportionate impact on your state pension, so I'm quite a bit poorer than I would have been if I'd been able to complete my career. But I'm still happier than I was when I was working.

    Might you not be better off not having to cope with the stress of your job? If you're a public service employee, I'm guessing you won't lose out massively on your pension. I know you're in crisis right now, but maybe this is an option you should consider. I ended up working - albeit on an on/off basis and in menial jobs - till I was 66, and can honestly say retirement rocks!

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    • Posted

      I just don't know can't think straight. The bloody government is likely to take a fair size chunk of my lump sum and pension because i would be taking it early. I tried looking stuff up in the union website but lost the plot that;s why I went out. I still raging bloody cut my arm now too cause I juast hate all this i just wish It would just bugger off and leave me alone. sorry for the bad language but I.m in a state,,,,
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    • Posted

      I can't make major decisions like this when I'm not thinking straight, this is the rest of my life what's left of it....................................................
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    • Posted

      Of course you can't think straight right now. And this certainly isn't the time to be making major decisions. You'll have plenty of time to consider all this once you're out of the immediate crisis.

      Money's not everything though. You'd still have enough to live on, and it doesn't matter if the system wins. It always does anyway, one way or another! Sleep on it for a few nights, then start looking at the possibility of life without having to cope without all the anxiety and aggravation of the rat race.

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  • Posted

    Hi Tina, I found you!! Please try and breathe slowly in and out in and out, it may help to calm you down, I can see why you are so raging because its not fair, they put labels on us but dont understand that what they do or say to us can have the side effect like it has, no one understand what you are going through at your place of work, but we understand how you feel, after so many years working for them you would think they would consider you having some time off ie 3 months to get yourself well and healthy again and then go back and if another 3 - 6 months you feel you cant cope then step down, why dont you when you next go in suggest this arrangement but make it so it fits in with you and not what I have just put!  They should really take all of your years of work and see you are not playing games and that you are really not well and they should step back for a while,  why do people want to rush you back otherwise they give you the altermatem (sorry cant spell) which just makes it worse!   Oh I so wish I could give them 5 mins worth of knowing how we feel, then they would understand. I'm sorry you have cut yourself again, I hope its not to deep and you have now calmed down alittle. I'm sorry I didnt know what started you suffering depression it must have been someone who meant alot to you, do they not see that. Im with you I feel outraged what they can do with you, its just not fair. Tina try and have a early night and sleep well (I know you probably wont) and hope tomorrow will be a brighter day. take care thinking of you talk to you tomorrow. x
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    • Posted

      I'm getting there but maybe the wine and drugs are kicking in now. The first lot of sickness from July to mid November following the death of my husband is not suppose to count but as i went off sick again in May due to being in a suicidial, unsafe state of mind and being admitted into hospital I am now on half pay which seems to flag up long term sick so better do something...............I might contact my union rep tomorrow if I can and my cpn as I haven't seen her for a while due to her holiday. My arm has stopped bleeding for now a bit calmer but it will be a while before i go to bed or end up comatose.............. 
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    • Posted

      I have to admit I'm a great believer in wine, Tina. In the evening anyway. It doesn't solve any problems, but sometimes it can take them away for long enough for your brain to stop obsessing about them and magnifying them. I'm sure you'll be sensible about mixing alcohol with your prescription drugs too.

      So sorry to hear about your loss. I'm guessing from what you say that you're only just past the first anniversary mark. That's often the hardest time.

      Try and be kind to yourself and get some sleep tonight.

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    • Posted

      Thank you both for you kind words and concern, the samaritans might get a phone call later too as I don't think my arm has been finished with yet it just helps to calm me down feeling the physical pain either that or the wine will win....Yes just got past the first anniversary had suicide all planned out but didn't go through with it spent over 3 hours on the phone to the emergency mental health team still ended up involved with the police though. See you all sometime tomorrow.....night xx
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    • Posted

      Yes StuartPalmer I will remember the 28 day rule, not quite sure what day I am on but it definaltely isn't day one, checking my journal must be up to day 20 at least. so lets hope a good day happens soon. 
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  • Posted

    Night night Tina, drink up and sleep well!!!!!

    I'm so sorry that it was your husband, that must be the hardest thing to cope with, I dont know what I would do if my hubby dies before me, I dont think I would make it either......... Have you got children and grandchildren? as they can be a help especially the grandchildren, that is what my daughter always tell me when I am in a very dark place she say come on Mum you love your grandchildren and they wouldnt want you to be this way........ they are only 9 & 6 a big part of my life as I didnt see my own daughter grow up alot as I spent most of it in hospital etc....... but its really do hurt when my daughter says think of them, stay for them........... but with a unreasonable head on you cant see that it just makes you feel more worthless and I think well they would be better off without me, with my sensible head on, I wouldnt want to do it for my hubby, daughter or grandchildren they are my world. Take care, have a good night Tina x

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  • Posted

    Good Morning Tina, well I hope you havent got a headache!!!!  No Really I hoe you are in a better place this morning than last night? What was it about Stuart Palmer 28 days Rule, might be interesting!!! Anyway I hope today is better than yesterday and will be thinking of you speak soon x
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    • Posted

      Morning no headache but was wide awake at5.20 following a weird dream, then my brain wouldn't shut down and go back to sleep until gone 7. Now I feel very sluggish but the sun is shining so better get up and try and do something positive.

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  • Posted

    hi Tina, hope you had a good day, sorry I have been out all day we have a friendship club on the 1st Thursday of the month for Church,  all the oldies come and then we have a activity or like today our minister had been to Norway so she showed us all her pictures and told us about Norway sounds amazing!!!! I am voluntee well we all are some are in the catering team who cook a lovely dinner followed by dessert and then we do what ever, I make birthday cards and personize them as much as possible which I really enjoy there was 6 birthdays this month and if they end in a 0 or 5 they get a A5 card and a present, which is lovely.  My cards take my mind off things which is a good way of trying to relax but when I have alot of birthdays etc for my family like this month it was crazy when I had to make the others, but I wouldnt want it any other way, and they all tell me they keep them on there mantlepiece and show everyone who comes to visit them so feel honoured that they love them so much, so yes I had a good day today tomorrow I will be very tired and in alot of pain and probably just watch tv, thats due to the result of having a good day with the lovely oldies who I care for so much, I get so much out of it, listening to there stories from years ago a real delight. I will now say night night and hope you have a good night too.
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    • Posted

      Hi glad you had a good day sounds very busy. I know quite a few people who make their own cards for every occassion you must be very talented and patient. I'm a fraid I am not artistic and do not have the patience for making things, bit ham fisted too. I hope you have a restful painfree day tomorrow. I used to enjoy listening to the stories my gran told me but that was a very long time ago and struggle to remember them now. 

      My day's been rubbish got up around 4.00pm dressed at 6.30 as went out ot my aqua aerobic class. Got my list of questions ready for my appointment tomorrow. See what they have to say.

      You sleep well. Thanks again x 

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    • Posted

      Hi Tina, sorry again its so late, but i have been so exhausted and in alot of pain!!!! What to they say no pain no gain!!!!

      Well I was hoping to see that you had put a comment on here to say how you got on? I hope you got the outcome you wanted so you have not needed to come on here, like the other night?  I hope to hear from you soon, really hope today went well as I know your job depended on it.

      Thinking of you and hoping to hear from you soon, I believe you can send messages to people without having to put it in to the discussion mode, so please if you would like to please send me a pm (thats what they used to call it at saneline) Thinking of you x

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    • Posted

      Sorry you've had such a painful day I hope you managed to get some respite sometime during the day. And yes it is even later now so I expect your asleep by now. Day didn't go that well, I've met yet another new psychiatrist today who replaced the guy I was seeing so not too much discussed as I didn't know him or trust him yet plus they all look so young. I've been referred for further assessment, plus a programme called Stepps it is along the line of dbt, I think. My report is being sent to me to read and accept. Trying to keep occupied this evening as I just want to curl up and die.

      Sleep tight catch up over the weekend. X

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