start 11 week

 know i have write a discussion but i am so confused now i can't stop to make an another discussion. 

I can't put the puzzle together. I am at the beginning of nine week 50mg of Zoloft. I don't have 100% of myself good day. I can go to the shops where i live but i have some anxiety while i am on the road sometimes i don't have it on the road just a little but sometimes i have a little panick attack at home in the morning not every day. Once i travel with train and i only take my Zoloft don't take any help "rivotril" and i can go with some sweating and some anxiety to my doctor and i don't have pressure on my chest like before. On the road home i was calm and i have no syptoms i am just calm. Another day i travel  far from my home i was anixous i have some chest pain on the road to the train station but not mentioned on the train i felt good with some anxiety. The next weeks i have some calm moments hours when i can watch a film or a TV show and i enjoyed it and feel calm and everything is alright. But in the morning i wake up with horrendous anxiety i take a 0,5 mg rivotril half an hour before i take the Zoloft and it was good someday i need my another 0,5 mg in the afternoon but someday just in the evening for  sleep. I go to an job interwiew and i was calm before  the job interwiwew night and i slept the whole night. I was calm on the road to the train station and on the train too. I was a little anixous on the road to the job interwiew but i can ask strangers and i felt beetwen the anixous a few minutes calm and before the job interwwiew calm and then i go to home and feel anixous then calm and aigan this change in few minutes it was very confousing and i became because of this irritate or angry at home i feel calm and watch a film. My mood doesn't change or swing  from itself it hangs from the anxiety what i feel. When i feel good i can think positivly but when not i think negativly and my symtomps change so often when come a bad syptom i think i am back in the progress and i never gonna be my old self. But i feel my anixous is not so bad in the morning and during the day it was before and i can sleep 8 hour in the night before it i had with this problems i don't cry 7 weeks but on the 8 week i cried two times because i dont know i am in a progress an go ahead with Zoloft or should incrase my dosage and it will help.

Zoloft once help me when i was in a bigger trouble then this i can't sleep or sit still  i walk up and down whole night and had pannick attacks with never ending i feel breathless and restless. And my doctor prescibe me Zoloft and 2 mg Rivotril(kolonopin). And it helps me i calm down 2,5 month and i can take my final exam at the university without any anxiety and i always was anixous before a little exam not a big deegre and the i can do everything what i can do before i met starnge people and sold to them my old stuffs. and it was not a problem for me. and i can learn wich is a big word because i before couldnt do my final exam i can not concentrate and was so jittery and irritate. Then i feel good and i think i dont need my Zoloft. It was a big mistake i take it down not gradually just at the moment. I take the Rivotril and i was fine.  But i feel crap again and i go back  Zoloft than i change for citalopram and then to escitalopram and then to paroxetin and now again on zoloft sertraline because the others don't work and my last hope is that will help me again.

i want so desperate it work. or not what was going on with me once it helped why can do at this time aigan when i feel good i want go outside and do something but i feel depressed because my symptomps are confusing me. i applied for jobs but it is so hard to live with this changing symtomps and concentrate to another thing or do something what makes me happy i do not know what makes me happy i am afraid when come and go my symtomps and what can i except on the next day so i coludn't make plans. My psichiatrist told i was not bipolar or borderline and i and my enviroment don't mentioned that i was acting like a maniac or hypomaniac and i dont feel i am manic or hypomanic.I take thest for this illnesses and told i wasnt. 

i don't know what to do. the suicidal toughts come just because i dont understand what is going on. and why Zoloft dont help or dont  settled down? i need time to adjust and my system get it so long? it activate me but every day come an hour when i am sleepy. i can focus on my symtomps and hard to focus another thing because i dont know what is coming i feel good and i push myself to watch a film and i feel good but i dont want to push myself i want stabilizied and live my life. i want to do a thing because i want it.I dont want to change medicine because i had tried every AD. and serquel but serquel doesn' help make things worst. i dont understand why are my symtomps so changeable when it is not the medicine for me what it is?

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