starting a blog

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Ive decided to start this blog. I figure all my thoughts are better out than in and it helps me keep track on my moods and progress throughout this darned episode of depression. The pills have invariably worked in the past but its the waiting game in between, the uncertainty, the sleeplesness etc etc.

Ive been depressed for about three weeks now, reasons are unclear but probably a combination of upheavals at work and possible redundancies/hours cut, being a single parent, having a mortgage, starting a new relationship then freaking out because i hit a low and wondering how to keep the relationship going, worried about my son who has just hit adolescence, blah blah blah. Now Ive spiralled into a state of anxiety. Ive been on the happiness pills for about three weeks now, first on twenty for a week then up to 40. Its not the first time Ive taken them, several times in fact but I keep coming off them when I think Im ok, then, usually with the winter onset I fall down a hole again. This makes me think my condition is clinical rather than a reaction to situations, or maybe just a combination of both.

The boss has said I can take time off if I need to but really Id like to avoid doing that if I can, cos I'll only worry and feel like a failure, so I drag my sorry backside into work and try to do something, albeit the miniscule amount, but at least Im out of the house.

Im aware that Im catastrophising everything, but I know its not me, its the depression talking, future worrying about things that havent even happened yet. Its my anxious voice talking, not the optimist. It would be easy to jump into the nearest river, but Im not going to do that. I cant, too many people care about me and it would destroy them, my 11 year old son in particular. So Ive got to keep going, but I just want the feeling of numbness to stop. I want to feel things again. I want to know what its like to relax again. 'When?' is the question.

Today i went to a meeting about work. Didnt feel I could face going but I did it anyway. Then I went shopping, then I came home and cooked a nice dinner for my son. So thats three positive things Ive done today.

Tomorrow Im going to do some volunteering, helping to build a treehouse. (with the longer term hope of gaining some freelance work with them) Yes I am anxious, but Im going to do it. I need to get a decent nights sleep in so Im going to take one of the diazepams the doctor prescribed me for emergency use only. I just need to sleep.

I know its a waiting game and the meds will eventually work, but its good to hear from others that they will work. I guess I just need lots of reassurance at the moment, and to know that this will all pass, sooner rather than later I hope. In the meantime, I will try to stay in the moment, one day at a time because the only certain thing in life is the present.

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  • Posted

    so onto the next day. today i woke up feeling angst ridden. Jumped out of bed and jumped up and down a hundred times just to get my body moving. This is becoming a morning ritual these days, it does take the edge of things ever so slightly. Had a herbal tea and cereal, put the tv on just to have some noisy distraction from my own thoughts. Then I spent the day volunteering on an adventure playground where they are building a treehouse. I spent the day with a sledgehammer, just demolishing the old playground. I have to say my body aches but I feel a bit more relaxed having released some angst. Now Im off to my boyfriends with a birthday cake ive made. slightly better day than yesterday all in all.
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  • Posted

    Not so great today Im afraid. Boyfriend was really stressed out by his work and wee boy yesterday and I found it really difficult to cope with. I ended up in tears, crying about my brother who died two years ago, amongst other things. Ive only been with my boyfriend for 4 months and until my depression kicked off a month ago it was going swimmingly. Now Im questioning everything about us, cant cope with his stress at the moment. Hoping it will pass if and when I feel more relaxed and the good vibes between us return, question is will I ever get better. I was breaking down at work again, though at least I did manage to do a little work so thats a small positive thing. Better than nowt I spose.
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  • Posted

    slightly better day today. forced myself out of bed and did the usual 100 jumps to get me moving. breakfast then of to work. still feeling a bit of a zombie but managing to do small mindless tasks at work at the moment. iM grateful for a very understanding boss who recognises depression as an illness and not just me being negative and lazy. I took 2mg of diazepam this morning to help me through until hopefully the pills kick in properly, they take the edge of slightly. Tonight Im going to go out and meet some old friends. yes Im nervous and not feeling terribly sociable but its got to be better than sitting in staring into space. onwards and upwards!
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  • Posted

    havent posted much on this site for last week or so. Had my mum, sister, brother in law, niece, son and boyfriend staying with me. Mum and sister, niece were on their way to spain but got grounded due to weather. I have to say, whilst they were disappointed, I lifted my spirits a little to have them around. They've gone now and back to being on my own. Today, I feel odd. The anxiety is less so, and Im sleeping better, but I still feel unmotivated. Today Ive done nothing but read posts on this site and am now beating myself up a bit for doing nothing but dwell on my depression, so I think after this Im going to put some clothes on, tidy up and go and visit my friend and do a bit more shopping. The good news is Ive managed to make an appointment for cbt counselling in the new year. I was seeing her last summer but because I wasnt depressed It didnt seem to make any difference as I was already feeling positive. So mabye it will have more effect and sink in now that Im depressed. Also trying to address 'real' issues such as finance and job, looking for extra work as my hours will be getting cut at work and I need to find more work in order to pay my mortgage. Been volunteering in the hope of it leading to paid work. Also looking for new interests and am planning to join a 'punk-rock' choir in the new year which should be fun. Im still depressed but I feel if I make some plans it might help me battle through this nightmare. Onwards and upwards!
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