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Ive decided to start this blog. I figure all my thoughts are better out than in and it helps me keep track on my moods and progress throughout this darned episode of depression. The pills have invariably worked in the past but its the waiting game in between, the uncertainty, the sleeplesness etc etc.
Ive been depressed for about three weeks now, reasons are unclear but probably a combination of upheavals at work and possible redundancies/hours cut, being a single parent, having a mortgage, starting a new relationship then freaking out because i hit a low and wondering how to keep the relationship going, worried about my son who has just hit adolescence, blah blah blah. Now Ive spiralled into a state of anxiety. Ive been on the happiness pills for about three weeks now, first on twenty for a week then up to 40. Its not the first time Ive taken them, several times in fact but I keep coming off them when I think Im ok, then, usually with the winter onset I fall down a hole again. This makes me think my condition is clinical rather than a reaction to situations, or maybe just a combination of both.
The boss has said I can take time off if I need to but really Id like to avoid doing that if I can, cos I'll only worry and feel like a failure, so I drag my sorry backside into work and try to do something, albeit the miniscule amount, but at least Im out of the house.
Im aware that Im catastrophising everything, but I know its not me, its the depression talking, future worrying about things that havent even happened yet. Its my anxious voice talking, not the optimist. It would be easy to jump into the nearest river, but Im not going to do that. I cant, too many people care about me and it would destroy them, my 11 year old son in particular. So Ive got to keep going, but I just want the feeling of numbness to stop. I want to feel things again. I want to know what its like to relax again. 'When?' is the question.
Today i went to a meeting about work. Didnt feel I could face going but I did it anyway. Then I went shopping, then I came home and cooked a nice dinner for my son. So thats three positive things Ive done today.
Tomorrow Im going to do some volunteering, helping to build a treehouse. (with the longer term hope of gaining some freelance work with them) Yes I am anxious, but Im going to do it. I need to get a decent nights sleep in so Im going to take one of the diazepams the doctor prescribed me for emergency use only. I just need to sleep.
I know its a waiting game and the meds will eventually work, but its good to hear from others that they will work. I guess I just need lots of reassurance at the moment, and to know that this will all pass, sooner rather than later I hope. In the meantime, I will try to stay in the moment, one day at a time because the only certain thing in life is the present.
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