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still don’t want to be alive...

Posted , 4 users are following.

mariah2410
mariah2410

this is a continuation from my last post.. read if you’d like.. so i have lost the love of my life, i see no point in living anymore. i finally had a happiness that i never thought someone like me would achieve, and of course as fast as it came to me, it was taken away just as fast. i remember in those months, waking up wasn’t so hard, i didn’t feel a heavy heart; i felt a heart that fluttered and smiled every single day, i felt in love. nowadays if you asked me what love was, i would tell you: “ask someone who could experience and hold onto such a concept, i, know nothing of this to be true.” oh, when i say lost the love of my life, i mean, it could go two ways. he won’t talk to me so i don’t know exactly what happened, but it would seem i am not enough, or maybe he is dead.. i hope to everything he’s not dead but i also keep telling myself to move on away from him and that you shouldn’t care but also i don’t want that, i want to still be happily in love with him but at this moment in time it’s not possible. he’s thousands of miles away in another country, through anything i never wish him dead, but i can’t help but be angry or sad, how am i supposed to feel when i don’t know how he feels? how can i move on when every single thing reminds me of that feeling, that oh so amazing feeling, i want it back so bad but i don’t think it’s coming again, how can i stop thinking about all those conversations we had? all the plans we made? before him i never had a plan, i won’t lie, and i never had a motivation, never had thought about the kids i wanted, the degree i would one day achieve, the house we would one day buy together, the happy nights i would spend huddled close to the love of my life.. and today it’s all i think about but when i think about it i am not happy, i come to tears just by the thought of it and it’s killing me. today i woke up and thought i would get over this, and here i am waking up from a nap depressed again. before him i had anxiety, but after him i have even more anxiety. i let someone in and they did the same thing everyone does.. leave me.. use me.. hurt me.. why me? every. single. person. nobody fails to let me down, is it bad that i expect it? i don’t want it but i know it’s coming, you gave me the promise of forever, little did i know it would mean forever hurting me, forever me being alone.. my heart it hurts so much, it’s like my heart is broken in half, and i feel it physically in my chest, i feel it everytime i stand up and how heavy and dark it feels. i spend every night in tears and every day with no motivation, the only things i get thoughts about going through with are negative, like the thought of trying out cutting to make me feel better, he did tell me it made him feel better, even after i begged him not to, he still did, so even hurting myself i think of you, and then i have these thoughts about killing myself; it’s nothing new. what is new is that i strongly want to go through with it, i do not see a future anymore, i see no reason to continue living a life of routine and trivial conversations, i just want back the sweet happiness that i was so lucky to feel even for a second, but now all i think about is the way to make all my suffering on this earth end. could i successfully overdose myself? could i jump high enough off a bridge to die the second i hit the water? could i tie a bag tight enough around my head so i couldn’t breathe anymore? take a rope, tie it hard enough, and hang myself? and the one i always think of as i watch them pass by; could i walk in front of a car and hopefully they wouldn’t slow down and just hit me, killing me straight on impact? or could i do it myself? could i get in the car and start the engine and drive for a while and find a bridge to drive off of.. or find another car to crash myself into, enough so that i died.. it’s all i think about now, and i don’t know how to make it better. i have not a soul to talk to, i can’t get a therapist, a counselor, i can’t even go to the doctor, the one person i live with doesn’t care about me, my dad, so what do i do? i want to try those stupid pills everyone talks about, those antidepressants, can they make me happier? i just want to be happy and normal.. i don’t want to live in pain anymore, i want to be happy, i want to see a reason to live, but i am not happy and i don’t see a reason to live.. what do i do when i have the feeling i wasn’t meant to be happy, that i could never achieve such a feeling and that i can’t live a life that was like others, normal and healthy, why do i feel like i was destined for this life that feels so cursed to be living? i just want help, i don’t know that it will ever come around, or that by the time it could, would i even be here anymore? i don’t know how much longer i can take these feelings, every day is so tiring, and disappointing..

2 likes, 10 replies

10 Replies

  • hope4cure
    hope4cure mariah2410

    Posted

    https://patient.info/doctor/suicide-risk-assessment-and-threats-of-suicide

    hi , It sounds like you are heart broken. There is no one in my world or yours that should ever take away your power to live and be happy. You have control of your life and it's your job to recognize that you deserve to be happy, healthy and successful without giving anyone the control over all your feelings.

    talk to a councilor or doctor. Life can be exhausting we all suffer the loss of loved ones thru our lifetime. This will get better!  never let any other take the wind out of your sails. 

    Your power to heal yourself thru positive thinking , talk therapy and get out and do the things you enjoy. That's how you find the challenges in life that fulfill the qualities that bring love, happiness and develop a strong sense of confidence. 

     

  • omni
    omni mariah2410

    Posted

    Dear Mariah

    This may or may not sound harsh although it is not my intention to be. I only know the truth that rejection and abandonment is at the core of your feeling. We subconsciously chose people who just might leave - reliving past experiences and trying desperately to fix the issue, especially when they pull away, this only reinforces the desperate need to gain what was once the best feeling ever. This I assume will not help you right now and that the state of mind you are in only needs healing with time.

    It is just plain horrible and the trust issues emerge once again. I could easily ask you to go do something for you, to enjoy something even simple that will take you away from these thoughts - though I know that may be the last thing on your mind. Strength comes from knowing that this person is not the person you once knew - they have changed and you are still thinking of him in the way he was before - I am so sorry that this is eating at you and it may for some time - although, time heals it really does and the thoughts you have had on everyone leaves, we all have a part in that too. Rejection is all but too real - it gnaws at our very core and releases feelings of Anxiety, despair and detachment. 

    I will say this - you are important - you deserve to be happy - and above all else you are counted in this world as there is me right now who cares and understands these feelings you are experiencing. These trust me will fade as a swinging pendulum swing right the equilibrium of nature it had to swing left and come to a stop at some point, so in that case - when it slows down so will your thoughts on self destruct, you will realise with time we will connect with others who will be just right for you. I so urge you to seek some professional support as these rejection and abandonment issues are deep seated and having an awareness and eventually healing will allow you to realise that you can love and be loved not just temporary but long lasting - know who you are, take the time to do that. It will be worth your effort. Take care i genuinely mean that. 

  • Adldiane
    Adldiane mariah2410

    Posted

    Hi Mariah. I hear your heartache..your sadness and I believe you are deeply grieving for you lost relationship. I have also lost relationships and have had to grieve them. Grief is a very individual thing each of us does it in his/own way. How old are you? Have you thought about getting some grief counseling I have had it in the past and found it helpful. I know your heart is broken and the hardest thing to do is move to take action but you must. Have you talked to your parents or a friend that you can trust. What about your GP? Please get back to me please. Diane. 
    • mariah2410
      mariah2410 Adldiane

      Posted

      hi diane, i think grief is a word that could be used to describe these feelings.. i wish i could get help from a counselor, or parents or a close friend but i have none of those, my dad doesn’t care nor understand and my friends just let me down.. so i turned to the web to find somewhere to vent out and write my feelings, no one in my life knows what i go through on a daily but i know they don’t want to deal with it, i could go on and on about how they let me down all the time, and how useless they make me feel. i thank you for writing to me, the only person i ever told my realest feelings to is the one i am trying to get over, it’s why it’s so hard.. i am trying to keep my sanity though, but i feel like i am losing my mind more and more each day. sad
    • Adldiane
      Adldiane mariah2410

      Posted

      Mariah you didn't tell me how old you are and I need to know do you live in the UK or the US? Maybe you could see a GP doctor. Diane

    • mariah2410
      mariah2410 Adldiane

      Posted

      i am 17, 18 in october 2018, for now i cannot see any doctors or practitioners, i have not the funds or does my dad want to take me cause he’d have to pay for it and he doesn’t care to, and i live in the united states.
    • Adldiane
      Adldiane mariah2410

      Posted

      Hi again Mariah. Do you have insurance if so you will only have to pay a co-pay and that is usually about $10-20. Look online to see what free clinics are in your area. Diane
    • mariah2410
      mariah2410 Adldiane

      Posted

      i do not have insurance, my dad is very cheap. i ask to go to the doctor and he brushes me off, i wear glasses and i have to get on my hands and knees begging him to take me to the eye doctor for a check up on my eyes and to get a new pair. 
  • Adldiane
    Adldiane mariah2410

    Posted

    Mariah I can tell what a precious young lady you are and this is just a problem that needs a solution. I am not minimizing your feelings just saying let try to find you help. Alright?'

  • Adldiane
    Adldiane mariah2410

    Posted

    Well Mariah did you look up free clinics for mental health? They have them in every state of the US. Diane
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