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this is a continuation from my last post.. read if you’d like.. so i have lost the love of my life, i see no point in living anymore. i finally had a happiness that i never thought someone like me would achieve, and of course as fast as it came to me, it was taken away just as fast. i remember in those months, waking up wasn’t so hard, i didn’t feel a heavy heart; i felt a heart that fluttered and smiled every single day, i felt in love. nowadays if you asked me what love was, i would tell you: “ask someone who could experience and hold onto such a concept, i, know nothing of this to be true.” oh, when i say lost the love of my life, i mean, it could go two ways. he won’t talk to me so i don’t know exactly what happened, but it would seem i am not enough, or maybe he is dead.. i hope to everything he’s not dead but i also keep telling myself to move on away from him and that you shouldn’t care but also i don’t want that, i want to still be happily in love with him but at this moment in time it’s not possible. he’s thousands of miles away in another country, through anything i never wish him dead, but i can’t help but be angry or sad, how am i supposed to feel when i don’t know how he feels? how can i move on when every single thing reminds me of that feeling, that oh so amazing feeling, i want it back so bad but i don’t think it’s coming again, how can i stop thinking about all those conversations we had? all the plans we made? before him i never had a plan, i won’t lie, and i never had a motivation, never had thought about the kids i wanted, the degree i would one day achieve, the house we would one day buy together, the happy nights i would spend huddled close to the love of my life.. and today it’s all i think about but when i think about it i am not happy, i come to tears just by the thought of it and it’s killing me. today i woke up and thought i would get over this, and here i am waking up from a nap depressed again. before him i had anxiety, but after him i have even more anxiety. i let someone in and they did the same thing everyone does.. leave me.. use me.. hurt me.. why me? every. single. person. nobody fails to let me down, is it bad that i expect it? i don’t want it but i know it’s coming, you gave me the promise of forever, little did i know it would mean forever hurting me, forever me being alone.. my heart it hurts so much, it’s like my heart is broken in half, and i feel it physically in my chest, i feel it everytime i stand up and how heavy and dark it feels. i spend every night in tears and every day with no motivation, the only things i get thoughts about going through with are negative, like the thought of trying out cutting to make me feel better, he did tell me it made him feel better, even after i begged him not to, he still did, so even hurting myself i think of you, and then i have these thoughts about killing myself; it’s nothing new. what is new is that i strongly want to go through with it, i do not see a future anymore, i see no reason to continue living a life of routine and trivial conversations, i just want back the sweet happiness that i was so lucky to feel even for a second, but now all i think about is the way to make all my suffering on this earth end. could i successfully overdose myself? could i jump high enough off a bridge to die the second i hit the water? could i tie a bag tight enough around my head so i couldn’t breathe anymore? take a rope, tie it hard enough, and hang myself? and the one i always think of as i watch them pass by; could i walk in front of a car and hopefully they wouldn’t slow down and just hit me, killing me straight on impact? or could i do it myself? could i get in the car and start the engine and drive for a while and find a bridge to drive off of.. or find another car to crash myself into, enough so that i died.. it’s all i think about now, and i don’t know how to make it better. i have not a soul to talk to, i can’t get a therapist, a counselor, i can’t even go to the doctor, the one person i live with doesn’t care about me, my dad, so what do i do? i want to try those stupid pills everyone talks about, those antidepressants, can they make me happier? i just want to be happy and normal.. i don’t want to live in pain anymore, i want to be happy, i want to see a reason to live, but i am not happy and i don’t see a reason to live.. what do i do when i have the feeling i wasn’t meant to be happy, that i could never achieve such a feeling and that i can’t live a life that was like others, normal and healthy, why do i feel like i was destined for this life that feels so cursed to be living? i just want help, i don’t know that it will ever come around, or that by the time it could, would i even be here anymore? i don’t know how much longer i can take these feelings, every day is so tiring, and disappointing..
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