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More an idea for all you out there still suffering. Today I havent been feeling my best. Scratch that, this last 8 weeks or so. I sometimes write when I'm upset, and came across a cool idea. Its the same idea as writing a letter to someone you hate but not sending it. So I wrote one to my depression. Obviously I am aware depression is not a person, but if it was what would you say? I actually felt better after writing, and its also something I can share with friends and family to give them a better insight into my head.
This was mine
?To my depression,
It's been many years now, since you came into my life. And I often wonder when you will leave me alone. You've ruined relationships, happiness, friendships ..anything that has meant something to me. You've made me doubt everything about myself, and made me feel unwanted.
You're a cruel illness. You show no physical side affects. There's no horrible scarring, unless you count the hundreds of marks caused by the sharp edge of an object, shoved violently across my arms in an attempt to feel something, anything. There's no rashes, except the scarlet red blotching from the hours of tears over feeling unstable. A blood test will come back negative, there's no sample to analyze. It's there, but it's not there. No one can see it. No one can see the suffering.
Nobody offers to 'help you with your shopping'. No one will 'pop in to check on you'. Because to the outside, you are just a lazy, uninteresting person who doesn’t need any help, you need to 'pull yourself together' 'its all in your head'. You are the only thought in my head. You never let me rest. You make me constantly tired, but terrified to sleep. You make me want to binge eat, but sick to my stomach at the thought of cooking. Youre in the back of my every thought, every decision, every part of my life.
Medication helps, but it cures nothing. Therapy helps, but I'm still broken. You make decisions hard for me. Every day questions. Should I answer the phone? Should I have one piece of toast or two? Am I well enough to see people? What do I want to watch on T.V? Do I even want to watch T.V?
You've taken away all my hobbies. I can no longer go swimming, I can't bare people looking at me. I cant work, I can barely function. I don't have the concentration to read a book, a hobby I have always loved. I can't see my friends, seeing people is a daunting thought that makes me sick.
I no longer try to look nice. If I havent showered in days-Why should I? I'm not going anywhere. My top is stained- so what? No one would want me even if I tried to look nice. My hairs a mess? My lifes a mess, I cant fix that either. I have scars all over my body, whats the point in pretending I'm worth looking at.
Being stuck in a head that wants nothing more to destroy you, will slowly kill you. So why die slowly, when theres a bottle of pills in the drawer? Who would actually care if I was gone anyway? Everyone would be happier, they wouldn’t have to put up with a depressed, socially awkward person who appears to make no effort anymore.
People who don’t suffer depression don’t understand you. But I do. I will put on a fake smile every single day, until the smile is genuine. I will push myself to step out of my comfort zone, because why should you win? I will get better. I will not be a victim. I am a survivor.
To my depression,
You may have broken me, but broken things can be fixed.
?Even if I've helped just one person find a new strategy that might help, then I feel it was a worthy post.
?Take care... We will all beat this!
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