Stonewalling Linked to Anxiety?

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I would appreciate advice please!. My ex and I have been broken up for 3 months. He broke up me out of the blue, but he wants to try to get back together. We've tried to reconcile twice. It hasn't worked because he tends to run away/"stonewall" when I bring up my fears & doubts. I obviously have them because he dumped me randomly. He wants to start fresh & act like nothing happened. He says things like "I know there is an elephant in the room but I was hoping we didn't have to invte him to table." OR "My biggest fear was that things would be so heavy. And that if this ends again, you will be telling me 'I told you so!" His anxiety has been an issue since day 1 but I've been patient & understanding. But when issues arises, he either stops responding or he refuses to meet up in person to talk. If he does talk about issues, it's through texting. He is 32, and I have given him 3 months of space/distance that he has requested. So if he wants to get back with me but refuses to communicate, I see it as him NOT negotiating/compromising my needs. Then he makes me feel like the bad guy by saying "You're making me feel pressured and uneasy. I have the right to say no to talk today." Should I just move on? (PS-he comes from a family that doesnt communicate problems so I know that is where he gets it from.)

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  • Posted

    Amy

    I have been through the same situation, and I fully understand your frustration. I was in a 7 year relationship and in January this year my partner had a breakdown and was told they had generalized anxiety disorder. Medication was given which in turn took its toll on them causing sleepless nights and further anxiety. I tried to help read all I could to understand. But the relationship came crashing down with the blame placed firmly on my shoulders with me being the cause but knowing it had nothing to do with our relationship which was good til then. Communication was the issue and the denial that anything was wrong and with the accusations of " your making a big deal of this " when I could see them fall apart. The more I tried to talk the more I was told your making me worse.

    As for advice it's going to be hard I have little or no contact now I have decided to leave them alone I cannot force or make a them return to our relationship. I have told them how I feel and left the door open. I have to live my life, and be happy my partner was the love of my life but I am clear that there is absolutely nothing I can do or prepared to do it has to come from the them.

    please think of yourself and do the best for you and you may need to consider leaving him alone and let nature take its course if he wants to be with you then he needs to understand your your needs and allow you to understand and support him .I do wish you luck and please look after yourself I have been stressed out since January and I won't allow this to stress me out any further .

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    • Posted

      Thank you so much for your kind words. I appreciate your input. I agree that it is best we take care of ourselves first. I have been stressing way too much over a man who refuses to communicate about any compounding issues. He does not want to meet my needs. Although he has major issues of his own that prevent him from communicating, I cannot keep putting my life and needs on pause. I hope your heart heals and you find someone who makes you happy. Thank you again. 
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    • Posted

      Amy

      I pleased, there is nothing we can do we have both tried our best to support and care for our partners and it hasn't worked. We must take care of ourselves anxiety is a terrible thing for someone but I feel and without sounding horrible it is a selfish condition and there is no room for us.

      Please feel free to contact me if you need to talk

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    • Posted

      I agree. I felt so horrible to even think and consider it as a selfish disorder. But there are times when he and his anxiety were just plain out selfish. I don't want to offend anyone but it's true. And I'm starting to realize he is a covert narcissist. Best of luck with everything!

      Emis Moderator comment: I have removed the link as it was to a site unsuitable for inclusion in the forums. If users want this information please use the Private Message service to request the details.

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    • Posted

      Dear Amy

      Thanks and all the very best of luck to you never feel guilty you have given the relationship your best shot and it's not worked out for you as it didn't for me. It's time to move on and enjoy yourself if he needs you he will have to make the effort to reassure you and take your needs more seriously and you will be a stronger person. There is little or no support out there for people who don't suffer anxiety but try and help loved ones who do. Good luck again

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