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I apologise if this has been brought up before but I feel I really need some help.
I am 37 years old, and my depression started 5 months ago when I found out my wife cheated on me with her boss. We have been together 8 years and married just over a year. I was extremely happy with where my life was and still madly in love. From my perspective we had an amazing relationship and there were no signs or reasons what so ever for her to stray. After I found out, she denied anything happened in fear of losing me. She eventually admitted to it, but says she never sought out anything, never planned on leaving me, and that he initiated everything that happened. She only admits they kissed several times while at work and can't explain why she let it happen. The news has absolutely blind sided me, and completely blown up my world spiralling me into depression.
5 months ago, my doctor first prescribed me lorazepam 1mg, because the anxiety was so severe I couldn't sleep, and was forced to be off work.
I chose not to leave my wife, in hopes that time would help me cope with what happened, however 3 months later my depression was still there.
My doctor then prescribed me citalopram 20mg. Fearful, I refused to take the pills and they sat in my cabinet for 2 months. Eventually my doctor convinced me to take them.
I started off 10mg for 6 days, and didn't feel anything at all... Then upped to 20mg as per the directions. After the 3rd day of 20mg I started with a ton of side effects. Brain zap, confusion, memory loss, increased anxiety and depression, tingling in my body, crying fits, unable to ejaculate, and even suicidal thoughts... all within the 2nd week. At that time I panicked and wanted to refuse taking any further. My doctor insisted I keep taking them promising it would get better.
Taking her advice, I did for another week. The side effects were decreasing, and one day for a few hours, I did feel a bit better and somewhat like my old self. But after numerous google searches and research I've decided this medication scares me and no longer want to be on it... or dependant on it in 6 months which was my doctors plan.
I was on 10mg for 6 days, then 20mg for 15 days... I have gone back down to 10mg to ween myself off. It's only been 2 days and already feeling the withdrawal symptoms of insomnia, anxiety, brain zap, tingling all over... and an end of the world feeling. If I feel this horrible trying to come off after only 21 days, I don't even wanna know how hard it would be after 6 months or longer. No thanks.
I feel as though my depression and anxiety won't ease up until I can either forgive my wife, or choose to leave. She has since been extremely remorseful, regretful, ashamed and embarrassed, says she loves me everyday, and has even quit her job in hopes to save our marriage. I know I love her and I'm scared to death of losing her, but I can't stop thinking about what happened or asking myself why she would do this to me. Luckily we don't have any kids, but at 37 years old, losing my wife, marriage, my house, and the fear of starting over, or never being able to trust anyone again is really messing with my head. I'm actually thinking I would rather be alone in fear of this ever happening again.
I'm starting to panic and would like to know how long I should ween myself off and how long the withdrawals should last, only being on them for so little period of time.
And also, is it wise to take 1mg lorazepam to help me sleep through the weening off of citalopram? I really don't want to start having withdrawals from lorazepam next.
Any help is greatly appreciated. Thank you kindly in advance, and I apologise for venting.
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