Posted , 3 users are following.
Well it's been 4 months plus since my breakdown, I was never great anyway but this has been hell.
My GP suspects perimenopause but a blood test would be unreliable at this point due to fluctuating hormones and she wrote to the mental health team asking for intense psycotherapy for me.
I struggle to leave the house, I had been making some progress with this but it was slow, very slow and I have now relapsed and am anxious and tearful non stop.
The consultant who I have never even met wrote back to my GP and said no psycotherapy unless I drastically reduce my medication, I have been on it for 17 years now and it is Diazepam so even a slow withdrawal will be hard.
GP said she does not feel it's a good idea in my current state, I agree, I had thought about it for a while but concluded that at this point in my life I simply cannot cope with a reduction, she said I do not have to reduce but it has stressed me even more that this idiot consultant who has never met me or assessed me has said this and will not go ahead with psychotherapy now.
I have an intense phobia of new medications which is fine because they don't want me on any anyway!
The GP has said only the consultant can refer for the intense psycotherapy that I need but I don't want to go anywhere near that man, besides I can't get to the clinic due to my agoraphobia and he is now refusing a home visit, honestly his input has made things worse and I want nothing more to do with him.
I rang my CPN and she said she will try to get me psycotherapy but doesn't think it can happen without the consultant referring me.
I am so upset about it all and not only that the past few days have been hell, even before I had this news I was getting really bad again, my slow improvements have dissapeared and I am terrified I am going to become housebound.
I hate Spring, I am struggling to adjust with brighter days and lighter clothing, I am struggling because warm weather means getting outside and I find that hard enough so now I feel more pressured than ever and I have kids so it's vital that I try for them.
A few days ago I thought I could try, now I feel like I can't again and it's awful, I woke up this morning feeling I couldn't even go out, I did go with my husband but felt so scared and vulnerable and now I fear I wont be able to do it again.
I have no idea how to get through tonight, I know I will panic all night again and struggle in the morning, I honestly thought I was seeing that very slow progress but now I am relapsing and I don't know what to do
2 likes, 24 replies
lisalisa67 BellaLuna
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Mimi9876 BellaLuna
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Hang in there, nothing lasts forever including anxiety.
If you can read then look up "books on prescription"
http://reading-well.org.uk too this is an NHS booklist recommended for all kinds of mental healthProblems. Make the most of the time you are in your home, Read as many of them as you can & invest in yourself. Youare worth it.
Guest BellaLuna
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BellaLuna
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The consultant thing has terrified me, to have someone who has never met me try to make huge changes that i can't cope with felt dreadful, i am just relieved my gp didn't agree with him, honestly i don't want to see him now, the mental health team have done nothing but break promises to me and make me worse.
My husband complained last year because a social worker assessed me and said i was not ill because people who are really ill don't wear lipstick, they talk utter sh!t they really do.
Anyway enough of them, i need to look after myself and fight and i am trying but it gets so frustrating when you put the effort in and still feel awful.
Yesterday we went out, not that far but to a place i had not been to since my breakdown 4 month ago, i was terrified but enjoyed being out with my hubby and the kids, i spent 4 hours out in the sunshine, sat and had a picnic and it was nice, i didn't think i could do it but i did.
What hurt me was that i came home and had anxiety symptoms very badly for the rest of the day, woke up feeling terrified to go out the door again too.
We did go out, did a bit of food shopping and went to a cafe, to the outside world i looked fine, smiling, chatting to shop staff, sat with my drink at the cafe, the kids had a nice bit of cake and it all seemed so normal but inside i felt dreadful.
Anxiety symptoms were there but also this awful heavy fog that felt it was suffocating me, each step took up all the energy i felt i had and i just had an overwhelming feeling of not being able to cope.
My brain is refusing to believe that these things are good or positive, it is refusing to believe that i can ever go out again and i have had anxiety and tearfulness again all afternoon.
I am dreading tonight, dreading going through this hell again tomorrow and scared stiff that i wont get out, the kids are on school hols for 2 weeks and there are a few things local i want to do with them, i just hope this wretched illness lets me.
I know i have to fight but it's just so hard xx
lisalisa67 BellaLuna
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BellaLuna lisalisa67
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I have done a few things this week, they were very difficult but i did them, for some reason my fear of leaving the house hits hardest in the late afternoon, yesterday i was so upset by it that my husband drove me to the supermarket to prove i could do it.
I try not to plan things because i know it makes things hard but in the next week we are supposed to be going bowling, it has to be planned because you must book in advance since it's always so busy.
I am freaking out because i'm terrified i can't do it, it is at my worst time of day and i can't change that because my eldest work all day so we have to go at that time.
I have been 3 times since my breakdown, the first was awful, second a bit better, third was rough but I made it there and got through it, now i really want to go this time but the agoraphobia is telling me i can't.
I am just praying i can prove it wrong, that i can go and manage the symptoms that i know i will have too, it's just so hard
Guest BellaLuna
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Is your husband supportive?
BellaLuna Guest
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Guest BellaLuna
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lisalisa67 BellaLuna
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Guest lisalisa67
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BellaLuna lisalisa67
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BellaLuna Guest
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So the mental health services wont help me simply because both me and my gp disagree on a course of action set out by someone who has never even assesssed me, that is why i have to try so hard to help myself.
Guest BellaLuna
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What country are you in?
BellaLuna Guest
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The gp wants me to have intense psycotherapy rather than the short term type because i am so unwell but only the consultant can refer for that, the gp has no access to that service so can't refer me directly.
My CPN is not much help, a few weeks ago she said she can refer me for it so i rang her after i got the news that the consultant wouldn't do it and now she is saying she can't refer me after all.
I am not willing to come off my meds until i am more stable in life, it seems to me that it should be psychotherapy first and then consider withdrawing meds if that helps but they wont do it that way.
I asked my gp why they are so awkward and she said that the intense psychotherapy is very expensive which often results in them trying to avoid referring people, it's terrible really and i should complain but all of my strength is taken up fighting my anxiety and agoraphobia.
Guest BellaLuna
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Have you tried online therapy?
BellaLuna Guest
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I did self refer for online CBT and had a few session but then they said i was too 'high risk' and discharged me.
Guest BellaLuna
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Have they recommended anything else?
BellaLuna Guest
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Not only that it is 10 miles away in a very busy town centre and i can't get there, for a while they did say i could have a home visit but no appointment was confirmed and now they are back to saying i have to go there.
I am at the top of the waiting list for some face to face cbt now that i self referred to in January so hopefully that wont be long and they wont think i am too high risk to work with, i know they can't cure me or anything but i really feel i need some guidance and help as i try to fight my way out of this.
Guest BellaLuna
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have you tried online therapy from paid services?
BellaLuna Guest
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Guest BellaLuna
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If you ever need anything, post on here or feel free to send me a PM.
You are not alone.
You can beat this.
Good luck and all the best.
BellaLuna Guest
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Guest BellaLuna
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