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Well it's been 4 months plus since my breakdown, I was never great anyway but this has been hell.
My GP suspects perimenopause but a blood test would be unreliable at this point due to fluctuating hormones and she wrote to the mental health team asking for intense psycotherapy for me.
I struggle to leave the house, I had been making some progress with this but it was slow, very slow and I have now relapsed and am anxious and tearful non stop.
The consultant who I have never even met wrote back to my GP and said no psycotherapy unless I drastically reduce my medication, I have been on it for 17 years now and it is Diazepam so even a slow withdrawal will be hard.
GP said she does not feel it's a good idea in my current state, I agree, I had thought about it for a while but concluded that at this point in my life I simply cannot cope with a reduction, she said I do not have to reduce but it has stressed me even more that this idiot consultant who has never met me or assessed me has said this and will not go ahead with psychotherapy now.
I have an intense phobia of new medications which is fine because they don't want me on any anyway!
The GP has said only the consultant can refer for the intense psycotherapy that I need but I don't want to go anywhere near that man, besides I can't get to the clinic due to my agoraphobia and he is now refusing a home visit, honestly his input has made things worse and I want nothing more to do with him.
I rang my CPN and she said she will try to get me psycotherapy but doesn't think it can happen without the consultant referring me.
I am so upset about it all and not only that the past few days have been hell, even before I had this news I was getting really bad again, my slow improvements have dissapeared and I am terrified I am going to become housebound.
I hate Spring, I am struggling to adjust with brighter days and lighter clothing, I am struggling because warm weather means getting outside and I find that hard enough so now I feel more pressured than ever and I have kids so it's vital that I try for them.
A few days ago I thought I could try, now I feel like I can't again and it's awful, I woke up this morning feeling I couldn't even go out, I did go with my husband but felt so scared and vulnerable and now I fear I wont be able to do it again.
I have no idea how to get through tonight, I know I will panic all night again and struggle in the morning, I honestly thought I was seeing that very slow progress but now I am relapsing and I don't know what to do
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