struggling to cope with my deppression

sorry for the spelling mistakes i have dislecer ,im not expecting a replay to this i just feel i need to get this off my chest as all my support has stopped becuase of this virus. so ive suffered with depression for the past 19 years ever since my grandad died and yesterday was the anerversery of the day he was layed to rest i felt so low yesterday i spent the whole day in bed with uncontrolable crying , my mums depression has come back tenfolds and she broke down on the phone to me dont get me wrong im glad she felt she could talk to me but it didnt help as i ended up breaking down to ,to point i come to realised something which ive never said or even addmitted to before which is i cant cope with my youngest child since all his support has stopped and schools closed due to covid-19 im not getting the break from him i need to be able to cope with him he is mentially and psycially draining ive tried so hard not to snap at him as the things he does isnt his fault its his addional needs that causes him to do thing which a child without problems wouldnt do, yesterday what he come out with broke my heart and i havent been able to stop crying since and ive got a bad headake from it all , one of his gromits fell out and in his words he belives the gromit is the reason why he is bad and keeps breaking things aswell he even asked now that its come out does it mean he is able to be good, now ive tried my best to explain to him it wasnt making him bad and that he can always be good long as he tired his best and if things upset him or he cant do something etc to come to me and ill help him but because of this comuaction problems along side his other problems he doesnt understand it and forget quite qucikly what has been said so im contsantly repeating myself and after the gromit come out he spent the rest of the day cleaning the bathroom sink/tiles and door and he kept doing this every 5 mins along side asking does this now make him good so once again my bathroom got soaked, he barely sleeps to so last night he was up until 4am so once again ive got hardly any sleep as soon as it gets to 7am my body just wont allow me to sleep anymore so even through my son and both of my daughters are still asleep i am unable to along side all of this there is so much more going on im so worried/stressed out all the time its got to the point ive lost my appitte so havent eaten properly for atlest a week now as i just dont feel hungery at all i still cant get over this cold ive had since the begining of the year every time i start to get better it gets worse again im so bunged up its unreal my mum belives it could be all my medications im on that could have weakened my immune systerm which could explain why i cant get over this cold fully , i just feel so lost and alone i cant even see a Dr for help at the moment and i dont feel comfertable with them doing it over the phone as how can you diganoise/ treat someone without being able to see whats wrong, my exzma has even flared up for the 1st time in years i havent had it since i was 15 and now my ears are soo ichy its driving me mad there is so much going on with me and i just cant cope with it all as of now i havent had any more thoughts of self harming but i do feel if i caught his virus and died no one would care and mabye it would be best if i wasnt about anymore as it is i have no friends as i cant trust no one becuase of things ive gone through even when i have tired to help people ive been treated like a door mat its like ive got mug written across my head even my own family only ones i speak to is my mum , nan and once a week my dad as i cant deal with the way my dad thinks im like the black sheep of the family and all of them appart from my dad mum and nan treats my son like rubbish even the kids mistreat him which is why i have nothing todo with them as im sick of him contactly being branded as naughty and him getting hurt by the other kids and me breaking down over it all as he always gets the blame even when he got pushed down the stairs the blame got put on him when his cousin chose to push him all because my son wanted to see what he was doing . life is just so unfair and it feels its never going to get any better just worse and i really dont no where to go from here as it took alot for me to be able to acepect help and achely go and now its been taken away i get why with whats going on but its all i had and it was the only thing getting me by now without it everything just getting bottled up and slowly distroying me again and i cant tell my mum as it will only get her down even more my nan just doesnt lissen and since her stroke everything always about her and my dad he just tells you your being stupid and just cut it out and move on so im lituerlly all alone and have no one to talk to at all and there no way im of loading on my daughter's as i dont want to get them down.

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