stuck in a rut, disillusioned

Hi all, 

Over the past few months, I have found myself coming on here every now and then. Sometimes, I start to write a post and then abandon it or I come on with the intention of posting and end up spending my time replying to other discussions instead. 

Basically, I have had troubles with anxiety/depression/sometimes both. Sometimes severe. . . The last couple of months, since I returned to university, I struggled with severe anxiety about university work and going in to teach classes. (I am a student teacher so I alternate between spending a few weeks of time at university attending lectures and a few weeks of time at secondary/high school, teaching classes). 

I procrastinated a lot and avoided doing my work a lot to the point where it built up quite a bit. I caught up a bit but fell behind on new assignments. This Christmas holidays, I have been trying to catch up. (I took a week or so off to prepare for and to celebrate Christmas). . .But every morning, I wake up and spend another two hours or so in bed just willing myself to get up. And I find it hard to stay on task when I do eventually start my work. Or just find it hard to focus. I am definitely feeling better than I was a couple of months ago and I started contacting my friends again this Christmas (I had started to ignore their messages etc.) but -

My life just feels so mediocre, bland. I find it hard to motivate myself to do ANYTHING - like shower or clean the dishes. My bedroom has been getting so untidy even though I tidied it a little tiny bit yesterday which felt good until I ran out of steam. I have lost faith in myself. I worry that I simply won’t be able to cope as a fulltime teacher as I have struggled so much this year only teaching ten classes a week. I think this loss of belief in myself is what is making it so hard to do my coursework because I don’t have a positive goal. I have spoken about it to some of the lecturers on the course. They all say I am more than capable of doing my assignments and teaching. I try to remind myself of times when I enjoyed teaching and why I wanted to pursue this course and become a teacher in the first place but right now it kind of feels like I am just doing this because I only have a couple of months left and that I will be lost and not know what to do when I finish. 

I know I have enjoyed teaching before. Even this year I enjoyed some of my classes when they went well. I just can’t seem to narrow things down or simplify things when I prepare classes anymore. Or think of ways to make classes fun and exciting. 

I wish I could be enjoying this year, or at least enjoying parts of it. We were told the workload would be heavy, that we would be exhausted etc. . . I wish I could be looking forward to qualifying and becoming a fulltime teacher instead of feeling scared or doomed. And the worst thing is, I can’t imagine doing anything else. 

I have been in steady therapy now for over a year. I switched therapists recently to try a different approach. During the summer, I came off meds which I was on for over 3 years. I think it affected my mood at first but I am improving now. 

My therapist suggested studying for five minutes, doing something I enjoy for five minutes, then exercise for five minutes, then to repeat but for ten minutes, then fifteen etc. It has helped somewhat. especially when I find it very hard to get started but I haven’t followed it religiously and I find the exercising for such short periods of time a bit frustrating as I either go out out for a walk which for five minutes is so short or if you keep going accodrimg to the schedule it gets boring.

I don’t know what I want anyone to say. At first, I intended to ask for suggestions to help with motivation to get out of bed. But now that 8 have written this out, I feel more anxious because I guess I know in my heart and soul it is only me that can motivate myself to get up in the morning, it’s only me that can motivate myself to exercise or keep in toich with my friends and it is DEFINITELY only me who can do my work for university. 

I used to feel writing helped. Now I just feel a bit anxious and sad after facing these thoughts. My sister suggests CBT which is what my new therapist says we are doing but we are not doing negative thought worksheets which I did previously in the past. . . And I don’t know how I could use CBT to help me overcome the negative belief that I won’t be able to cope because I have already tried to challenge that thoyght - it is only an assumption, there is no true evidence, I have always managed to get through other jobs and even if it caused me anxiety, I always get through - but I don’t want to just “manage” or “get through”.

mmmm, I thought I was doing better these days. . . actualky I know I am. I enjoy eating again. I can genuinely laugh or smile sometimes.. . I just wish I could be the happy confident girl I was 8 years ago when I had a tough year but a great attitude, enjoyed meeting friends and going out at night etc. I feel like I have a lost a bit of myself.

I am going to finish this unstructured ramble of a post and hope I get a response even though I am sure the length will put many people off reading. At least I have finalky posted. I have come on here t9 post several times and didn’t. I feel like I should edit this to make it more concise/easier to read but a part of me feels like noone will read it so what’s the point and another part tells me I should start my work as the day is dragging on and another part, the unmotivated/indecisive  part doesn’t want to face in to the editing. So I will leave is as it is and see what happens. 

Thank you if you have read this far. xx

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