Stuck in a rut – ‘perfectionism’, lack of motivation and no passion

Hi Tasha, i have responded to you before. Now then i am as most of us are guilty of doing the wrong thing, when you're meant to do the right thing

I worry constantly and at times it can make me very ill. Now LIVE your life, who cares how big/small you are. Does it really matter? I sit on a town council, 2 of our councillors died early on when j was first on the Council in their 30's. Ignore the doubters and enjoy what you can in your lovely iife. I can't. I am waiting for a camera for coeliac disease, i am truly scared. I hate hospitals and this is z camera down the throat. A little bit of what you fancy STILL does you good. So why not? If it's gluten have some for me.

This is so sad, sorry you're having to go through this.

Perfectionism really is a burden. it works it's way into every part of our life and sadly can take over to an extent we think we are in control though in fact, we have lost the control to perfectionism.

Making intricate plans for absolutely everything initially feels euphoric, it gives us a sense of inner wellbeing, we feel we can tackle anything, (of course it will, we made a perfect plan for it). When that perfect plan falters in the slightest way, we lose faith and resort to giving up. Sadly I know how this feels all too well, as I'm one too.

Perfectionism can turn against us and become a ritual similar to OCD. We have to make the perfect plan we 'have' to have things just right.

When depression is present, perfectionism is strong as it's a way out for us to feel better, motivated even, though the depression returns quickly when we think we have failed which only makes us feel more depressed. Perfectionism is not our ally, it is in fact our enemy.

There are many reasons for it, all different and all exclusive to the individual though it is mainly histrionic i.e. probably been in your life for a very long time, or have witnessed this type of behaviour from a caregiver over a long period.

Some reasons for this that I've come across are systemic, in that it's a learned behaviour, there may have been others in your family that showed similar traits, it can also be from low self esteem, this also relates to interactions with family members.

We think that doing things in a perfect way is setting ourselves high standards when in fact, it is setting high standards for others approval mainly from fear of rejection and or abandonment. An example would be an overbearing parent or a distant parent, this will manifest into perfectionism in us to seek approval and the inner conflict of letting another down is too much too to handle, sadly this plays out over & over and spills into other relationships.

Going over the top as I did with things like planning a meal, ( just setting a table could take up to 2 hrs for 4 people), going back to line up cutlery etc), doing paperwork (to the extent of leaving 3hrs later after everyone had gone home), cleaning, selecting presents, all exhausting.

When you know you're going too far, please take some time to come into your conscious thought with slow breathing and calm thoughts and continuing to tell yourself that there is a reason why you're doing this. It will be difficult at first as this is the way you've been 'acting out' for a long time, however, with practice, the need will lessen.

Perfectionism is a soothing mechanism to cover past issues. It is not only exhausting but also debilitating and leaves us with a feeling of failure if we don't meet the expectations and the severe pressures we place on ourselves. Perfectionism can never work long term as we haven't properly dealt with the core issues of why we do it which is tucked away in our subconscious. When those barriers have been pulled down, perfectionists is the last thing we want to be.

In the meantime, take a look at Schema therapy which goes back to those root causes and deals with them head-on.

I hope you take things a easier on yourself and that this helps even a little.

Hi lack of motivation is very common in depression so to me it makes sense to work on this first. If you start feeling a little better then it would be easy to lose weight.

I do think you are someone who likes to control every aspect of your life so maybe cut yourself some slack? None of us are perfect and life is what happens to you whilst you are planning it.

Years ago in an office I worked in so many went on extreme diets substituting 'bird' food and cut out everything that made life worth living. They always failed and within a week or 2 went back to normal and not only put the weight back on but more as well. Why not generally plan healthy eating but allow yourself some treats as well? This would probably work better. After all thin people eat chocolate, cheese, chips etc. x

Hi Tasha,

I just read your post and find out that you are worrying about the unnecessary things. I think as your therapist said go for a walk, I also think that you should enjoy some activities you should go out for a walk and meet friends, you should do the ways to entertain yourself. For me, those things matter which I want instead of what I need but to get what I want I have to do what I need. Don't stress yourself too much just go with the flow and do what you enjoy doing. Life is too short to worry about what or what not, just be thankful for what you have and try to accomplish your goals without going into second thoughts.