Sudden hit of depression I can't cope

Posted , 3 users are following.

let me start I've been depressed now along with having anxiety for 8 years some bad days some great days

Something happened to me in February which turned my life around completely and had me planning my suicide with no doubt that I'd do it and only imagining my parents seeing my dead body stopped me!

I got around it and i actually started to feel better!

The thing didn't bother me anymore

Yet today for some crazy reason I started feeling super depressed about that thing again I don't know why it has literally just popped up and I'm over thinking again I feel absolutely horrible I don't know what to do anymore, I keep trying to tell myself "imagine your parents seeing your dead body" but I just really don't want to be alive anymore this thing is ruining my life and I also found out on top of this bullcrap I found out I could possibly have pcos all signs are pointing there I'm waiting for results and my life long dream is to have children

I'm so scared one day my parents won't be here my dad hasn't got the best health, and I'm scared of being alone once they die because I know for a fact i will definitely end up killing myself

I hate feeling like this, all my life I've had a terrible time from bullying starting from when I was 13 nothing has gone my way I want to die but I was feeling so good recently why oh why have I suddenly out of the blue started to feel like absolute sh*t again ? Nothing has changed in my life no new disasters but I've just started feeling horrible today started slowly and now it's suddenly at the top! I want to die I need help so much I'm struggling

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  • Posted

    Hi,

    I red your text, but as im not native english i dont understand what pcos means...but i understood the rest... and the fact yoir dream its to have children. Im in the same situation. I want a baby so much, and the fact im 35 and i dont know if i ever have kids its killong me slowly...i think its a subcounscious thought...i cannot find the meaning a my life, im ill since i was 20, now im 35, and i aleays asked myself if i ever have a family...i had a suicide atempt,, but that made me feel like suicide its not an answer, i swallowed some pills, and i was scared after i realize i could die..i will not do it again. Its hard to live, and its hard to die also! I cannot have kids as my family doesnt support me and i dont have a job. I will move in uk, in autumn, try to see if i can manage a job, as in my country salaries are too low. My dream its to handle a job so i can decide on my own to have a baby, as i find its the only answer to my suffering...i guess its natural to be a woman and have this dream, my boyfriend wants one but i financially dont want to depend on him! Maybe this its what makes u feel suicidal also, the fact u didnt have your dream came true. For me i know for sure this its a.nightmare to live with. If you have the support and possibility, have you baby, that will change , everything, you will never feel suicidal again! Some people here told me that having a kid makes the suicidal feeling dissapear. Do not let time go by, if u have support and u can financially afford, make your baby, your life will change completly, you will have a hope! i wrote too much, sorry for my english, but i hope its understandable, my native language its romanian! Xxx regards

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    • Posted

      PCOS means that medically I might not be able to have children, so as you can imagine with sharing the same passion of children as me this really is horrifying news, I don't know what I've done in my life to deserve all this to happen to me

      In regards to you my mom did not have me till she was 36 years old and the woman I babysit for did not have her recent child until she was 43 so I don't think you have a problem my advice would be if you are on any birth control come off it because by the time you actually want to start trying for a child and come off the pill the birth control could take to long to get your body fertile again I am currently going through this I wish I came off it years ago.

      I've been trying for months now and nothing is happening but that might be due to my PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome)

      Hope you are well, I Live in the UK I think it would definitely be your best option and would suggest it sooner rather than later, everyone is so kind and diversed so take the plunge! Hope you're doing well good luck with everything I will keep my fingers crossed for you that your wish of children will be granted xxx

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    • Posted

      Hello,

      I never used birthcontrol pills, i choosed other options, as i always thought it might cause fertility problems.It was just something in my head telling me never to.use those pills. But im on my psihiatric meds for 15 years, its not fertility i worry , but the fact that if i stop i surely go ill, doctors never agreed for a baby. So, its the same impossibility... i did not checked my fertility, im thinking to do the AMH test, but i didnt do it cause pregnacy already seems an impossibility for me, as presented till now. No one can really understand my feeling, telling me its irrational to want a.baby when u dont have a job and when u have bad days od depression.How will u raise the baby ? etc etc So, here i am, emotionally blocked, asking myself why this illness is taking all the good things from me! As for pcos, i think there are options for ifv or egg donor, or even adoption! Me, at least i would agree any way of having kids! If u have support for this, u will have your baby,u have whats the most important. My sister is going for ifv doing a hormone trratment now, she had tried for two years but seems her egg reserve its very small. If ifv will not work, she thinks of adoption! I have a friend, shes my age, she has a chist operation when she was 22 and doc told her she has no chance to be pregnant so she never used pills. When she was 29, she got pregnant, has two kids now! Are u sure pcos really means infertility? Or can be operated?

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    • Posted

      Yeah I really regret ever using birth control pills seriously I wish I just stuck to condoms I feel like they are the reason I'm struggling to get pregnant now it's heartbreaking.

      Its definitely not irrational having a job or not doesn't determine whether you want kids or not, I do have a job and it's a very good stable one so I'm lucky and in England they give you money when you have a child to help!

      I know it sounds selfish but I really want a child of my own and to do it natural IVF would be my next option if all else fails but I don't know how I feel about adoption, it wouldn't be my child sad

      Your friend is lucky I am holding onto hope that I'll get pregnant month after month is just a dissapointment when my period comes 

      It can't be operated on but you can try take tablets to help ovulation x

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  • Posted

    I'm so sad to read your story. You feel hopeless right now and experience suicidal thoughts, on top of long-term anxiety. Think of the pressure long-term anxiety puts on us - no wonder you feel depressed. Yet you don't say if you've ever asked your doctor for help, received any support or counselling for the bullying, the anxiety or the suicidal thoughts. Having gone through the whole infertility business myself (long before they had the wider range of possible treatments they have today), that in itself is enough to drag you down.

    So don't handle it on your own. You need help. Whether it's medication or some kind of therapy, your doctor has to be the first point of contact (choose one you reckon you can be open with). They aren't experts in everything but they know how to move you on to the right people if they believe their support isn't enough. 

    I'm sorry to say you aren't likely to get much support regarding the emotional impact of pcos if my experience is anything to go by so, if you do get therapy, you must make a point of saying you need to talk about it and the impact it will have on your life. You can't just suppress these feelings. They have a nasty habit of picking a low day and swamping you (as you are discovering now).

    I have suffered from panic attacks and fear of fear since I was 15. That's 40 years!! The thought of losing my parents would bring on a panic attack, even though I lived hundreds of miles away. As they aged, my panics got worse if I allowed my thoughts to go that way. Then my father developed Alzheimer's and his suffering was immense so his death was a blessed release for him. My mother was in her late 80s by then and increasingly frail, relying on me a lot for the organisation of things. She died suddenly last September and I truly expected to fall apart. I didn't. I didn't even have a panic attack. I realised she was ready to go and it was my responsibility to let her go. I think about her daily, still shed a tear or two, but I realise that I was just pinning my anxiety onto them because it made more sense than anything else.

    Don't obsess about things, whether it's your parents, the prospect of not getting pregnant without help or even not having a family, certainly not your belief that you're only alive because of your parents. That's easy to say but harder to do, I know. What you must do is get professional help, starting with your doctor. Take a deep breath and do it.

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    • Posted

      Thank you you are so lovely the world really does need more people like you!!

      I have spoke to a doctor and she was lovely and so supportive gave me tablets but then told me to see a counsellor but I don't even know how to go about it

      I have deep routed issues I would love to speak to someone but I just don't know how

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    • Posted

      If you're in the UK, get straight back there. First, you found a lovely doctor. Second, the medication isn't working as she hoped. Third, she can make a referral.  But I'm guessing you aren't. Maybe if you say which country you're in, someone will be able to advise you how to set about it. Otherwise, you may need to do some research online. You've made an important start by posting here. Small steps get you there eventually... Good luck.

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