Sudden unwanted suicidal mind - feeling like I should be dead?!!

Hi,

I am 19 years old and my mental-suffering and spiritual journey started in February when suddenly Derealisation and Depersonalisation hit me out of the blue (probably because of prolonged stress). Very traumatic time, but I managed to get over it, graduated during my worst anxiety times, constantly felt detached from the world and people. It vanished when I let go of control and accepted it. I became more and more aware of my thoughts.

Many people who recovered from DPDR say they have a much better life after it, but it somehow distorted my perception of the world, because I know that I was in this “movie/dream world” for a long time.

Well, my anxiety vanished more and more, I was just depressed sometimes after it. And I didn't know that it just would get started.

In July, I had short episodes of depression and anxiety, and I didnt know overall what to do with me, I felt lost, like many people after graduation. It is a transition to professional life, but somehow, it has gotten way worse for me, far worse than what I would consider to be “normal”.

During the second half of July, I developed a strange time anxiety/phobia, I just wanted the time to stop and I didn't want the future to come. It all climaxed in the beginning of August. I feared that I will somehow lose myself in time!

You know, when you have DPDR, you have a warped sense of time and time runs. My time anxiety is probably based on the fact that I somehow don't have memories of the last months.

Suddenly I felt like I was thrown on this earth without a sense of time. I googled: “feeling trapped in time”, “feeling stuck”. This time thing just occured, it didn't bother me much before the end of July. I felt so lost, still feel like this a bit. But I feel overall trapped in this conception of time and I even feel desperate looking at the date (wtf…, cant explain why).

I just continued living, I was sure that I was 100 percently over anxiety and panic. But slowly and steadily another thought creeped in, and it was the first time I experienced this incredible and terryfing wave of pain and panic, not really anxiety as I knew it.

Automatic suicidal thoughts. I literally projected myself into the future that I will commit suicide if it becomes unbearable. The “funny” thing was that I was fine, not good, but DEFINITELY NOT FEELING LIKE MY LIFE WAS MEANINGLESS. Slowly and steadily I became aware that something died in me, I had really really and still have delusional thoughts which creeped in ALL OF THE SUDDEN.

Those thoughts were automatic and I was sure I wouldn't act on them, but my mistake was that I did all to prove them wrong. They soon ruled my life, and combined with that strange time anxiety, I was trapped in a terrible cycle of depression and pain. I thought that I was determined to commit suicide and I was a victim of this feeling, not knowing what to do. It was and still is really the worst suffering I have ever experienced.

Now I am here, thoughts about time and past still creep in and I feel like I walk on thin ice. Honestly, I sometimes feel like I shouldn’t be here anymore (although I used to love life and deep inside, I still do!) and I have many difficulties in making sense out of time. I look at the date and a strange wave, well a mixture of despair and confusion runs through my body and leaves me depressed, like really depressed. I’ve gradually lost all my interests during the last weeks, because I constantly reacted on the thoughts. My mind constantly tells me I should have died or commited suicide and I am TOTALLY overwhelmed by this feeling.

NOBODY can turn from a fairly normal guy into a suicidal person within a few days. I dont know what is happening, I have a really really messed up perception of my life now and I strongly believe that something has died when I first had these strange thoughts. My awareness faded too, to a point where I was in a state of deep unconsciousness, where I even felt detached from my breath, my mind was in a constant blankness. I was unable to meditate, still cant meditate because something tells me that I cant be present anymore. Nothing works anymore to gain presence. Before that time, I could easily put myself in the present by simply thinking that past and future are in my head, I instantly felt relief. BUT that isnt working anymore.

I have a feeling of being stuck between past and future and I really don’t reallyhave a sense of self. It is like my old identity died and I, as the observer, am stuck in this transition and suffer very very badly. I read “The Power of Now” what didn’t give me more information than I already had.

I think I have self-inflicted trauma because of my 24/7 brainfuck which ruined my life and got me to the rock bottom of my life. Also because I cant really accept that it is how it is and that I have an odd time perception. Now the tiniest thought of 2017 being over and imagining myself in “2018” triggers hopelessness. I am so alone with this!

Any help appreciated.

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