Suffered With Anxiety/Depresion For Half My Life...

Posted , 7 users are following.

Wow, it's hard to own up to how much of my life is controlled by my illness.

I have suffered since was twelve, school was very hard and my parents moved around an awful lot.

It became worse when we moved to Scotland when I was fourteen, and suddenly I was alone, no friends, my beloved Grandmother was in England and I became a shell of what I once was.

Teachers thought that by humiliating me I’d ‘toughen up’.

Fast forward, still had not been diagnosed (Doctors called it 'teenage issues') and I was eighteen when we moved again and the Doctor there told me that it was depression and anxiety.

That started the tirade of useless medication that did absolutely nothing to stop the problems.

I find Doctors like to shove that down your throat as it's cheaper than therapy.

Again, we moved back down to England a few years ago to be with my Grandmother who was ill and needing a heart operation, unfortunately that meant that I missed out on a psychologist appointment, so when we got down to Coventry (my birthplace) I got absolutely no help whatsoever.

Gone was my mental health nurse, hello to rude, incompetent Doctors who had no idea what to but prescribe Fluoxiotine which even at its highest dose did nothing.

My Grandmother died Christmas 2012, and that's when my illness just escalated.

I force myself to be sick as a way to control the anxiety, I get very frequent panic attacks which leave me shaky, unable to breathe and with constant chest pains.

I am dependant on soluble codeine/paracetamol tablets which I know do nothing, but I'm lost without them.

Battling depression and anxiety daily leaves me wary and angry.

I saw a trainee psychiatrist who told me 'breathing exercises', I won't even tell you how pointless that is!

Bi-polar was thrown around a lot in an earlier assessment, but I'm scared of what that could mean.

I guess I just need some form of comfort from fellow sufferers, as I’m falling apart at the seams.

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14 Replies

  • Posted

    Daisy Daisy Daisy ...hmmm thanks for the post.

    Much of what you wrote I can relate to.

    ..."Wow, it's hard to own up to how much of my life is controlled by my illness"...

    Yes ...and how much it robs from us ...and how very lonely and arduous each second, each minute, each hour, each day, each night ...week ..month can be!

    Keep searching for the key that will free you and bring you peace and some happiness ...

    Kind regards!

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  • Posted

    How horrible for you to suffer this way, you have certainly had some pretty grim challenges...you must feel completely lost....you are not alone....please remember that you are a very special person who obviously loved and still loves your grandmother....hang on in....AM thinking of you....please try doctors again...and keep trying...there will be the right one out there for you....every best wish
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  • Posted

    You seem to have had a difficult time of it.

    So where to begin? Let's deal with the last issue first, and that is the matter of your tentative diagnosis of Bipolar disorder.

    So what is it, and where does it come from?

    Biopolar disorder is something that is usually there from birth, so it isn't something that you have magically caught.

    It can in fact turn from a quiescent state through latency into a full manifestation as we get older, and thereafter it can cause problems first showing itself in many guises all of which give surprising symptoms, not the least of which is BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder).

    It basically has its roots in an electrical (neuron track) miswiring problem in the brain.

    Can it be cured - not really? Can one receive treatment for it and learn to live a normal life with it - of course?

    So it is not the end of the world, but it does need treating if in fact that is what you are suffering from.

    As I look at your track record of the way that you have been treated over the years I must say that your treatment does leave a lot to be desired.

    Anxiety and any mental health issue does need to be brought under control, usually with the help of competent doctors, which in your case seems to have evaded you.

    I think if I were you I would initially change doctors to one where you can get a sympathetic hearing.

    When you get to that point go and have a full and frank disclosure detailing all your historic problems.

    Your new doctor will no doubt refer you to a specialist when some appropriate form of treatment can commence.

    What has surprised me is that nowhere have you mentioned any referral to CBT or other form of couselling, so I am wondering whether anybody has ever pointed you in this general direction before?

    At the end of the day, it is up to you what you decide to do about this, but I have to say in my experience the word 'nothing' has no part in this equation as mental health issues seldom go away on their own.

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    • Posted

      This was great to see. I always been different believing what goes up must come down but 33 years and I'd love a diagnoses and correct treatment. Far too many people are ending there lives due to miss diagnosis. God bless you
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  • Posted

    Dear Daisy

    You have had the guts and found the strength to write your life story and encapsulate it in a few concise, coherent, and very well-expressed paragraphs. Congratulations! That must have taken an immense effort to start when you are staring at a blank white box. But you did it. After you typed "WOW" you just kept on typing and your story flows, giving a real picture of your experience of life so far.

    There are a myriad of points that one could discuss endlessly in their own right which you have raised, and of course that isn't possible here. But you conclude by saying that you seek "comfort", so perhaps it's best to focus just on that one point for now.

    It's very clear to me after reading your story two or three times, that your Grandmother was a key figure in your life. I notice that your parents never got a mention! Perhaps there is some significance to that.

    The loss of the person that appears to have been your source of genuine friendship and support must have been a hammer blow to you. This is something that I can definitely relate to, and it brings home painfully just how alone we can be with our problems.

    Clearly, there is nothing that can fill that void, and you don't mention any other activities or areas of your life that are helping you to engage with others. When you use the term "falling apart at the seams", many people who lack understanding would say "pull yourself together". Don't be too hard on them. If something is falling apart, then naturally you want to pull it back together. The fact that they are speaking from benign ignorance and haven't got a clue how you are feeling is little recompense though.

    In a way, it is a paradox to welcome someone into our 'family', because it is a family of people with misunderstood suffering. However, a family it is and you have to feel the way you do in order to become a part of it.

    Daisy, this is a very large family. It is the most diverse family on the planet. Its members include all ethnicities, genders, backgrounds, orientations, financial status, educational status and so on and so on. For some reason, like me, and unknown to us both, we have been 'picked' to belong. The paradox is that the qualifications for membership are very unpleasant. But, and it is a BIG but, there is always the other side. The positive side.

    You are one of hundreds of thousands of unique people who now have a bond of understanding, love, support, and friendship like no other. They are all strangers, most of them we will never meet or see their face. But, they are 'real' people, and to use that grossly overworked cliché used by almost everyone, "I am here for you", the difference is that when someone from this family says it, they actually mean it.

    I've coined another phrase drawn from personal experience and having once enjoyed a large circle of friends. "They said 'I will be here for you', and then they left".

    "Being there" for someone with mental illness calls for unending patience and perseverance. This is one of the places that you will find it Daisy. Take comfort from the fact that as you read this, there are a large number of people near to you and far away that not only understand perfectly how you feel, but are feeling it themselves right now.

    Anybody who reads a post like yours instinctively wants to give you a literal hug. Try to imagine a collective hug simultaneously from everyone on this section of the website in particular, hugging you right now, and saying 'everything is going to be alright'.

    It is going to be alright. Your experiences being hauled around the country and misunderstood by Doctors is a familiar scenario to more people than you can possibly imagine.

    You may feel like you are falling apart Daisy, but one thing I can guarantee you is, that you will never be alone. I have prattled on for far too long. I will bow out gracefully and allow other kind and helpful members to continue erecting the scaffolding around you to make sure that the last thing you are going to do is "fall apart".

    Sent with good wishes, and empathy.  :-)

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  • Posted

    I want to say thank you to everyone or your kind words, they are much appreciated smile

    I did actually have two sessions of CBT whilst in Scotland a few years ago, but because we moved, I have no idea if they would of helped; no one offered me that down here.

    i had also seen a trainee psychologist in England, whom just grazed over any past issues in my life to tell me that I needed to 'breathe right' and 'go to my happy place'...huh, years of training to be told that.

    i sound a bit resentful and bitter, but I have changed Doctors numerous times, and having to explain your long history of mental health problems is so wary and I still get upset.

    My grandmother had depression/anxiety at 11, so that was shocking in her time, she had been on medication for years. My cousin committed suicide, another cousin had anorexia, both my Aunts have depression/anxiety, and my brother is autistic: they are all connected apparently.

    I was a 'Nanny's girl', in the sense that whenever problems with my Dad would arise, it'd be her I could go to and stay with.

    My Mum lost my sister to cancer in January 1990, and I was born in February that year, so, I guess that I filled a void for my Grandmother.

    i do love my Mum, but she just gets too wary to want to help me.

    thank you anyway for your kind words and love; it was so nerve-wracking posting up on the site.

    I wish you all well x

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  • Posted

    I am going through the exact same thing now. Im 33 and my ea\rliest memories ive always been the same. Try getting help, ive been on everything, still fobbing me off saying i have a low mood. My family believe I have it i do too. My life is becoming more and more secluded and i dont know where to turn. Its notsomething I want to brag about just want the right treatment and help. Ive changed and seen numerous doctors and 'occupational therapists' im on sertraline 6th week feel worse and theyve upped the dose....i really dont know what to do...any advice will be greatful. All the luck in the world...god bless you
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  • Posted

    and i cant believe you do thatg with cocos.....i do EXACTLY the same....im so stunned x
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    • Posted

      I can completely relate, I'm now twenty-five and still in the same place I was when I posted the first time.

      i think that if your medication makes you feel terrible, then please, tell your doctor. It's your body and your wellbeing in the end.

      i hate it when doctors act like you know nothing, but these tablets do awful things to your head, so you have to weigh up the pros against the cons.

      i was prescribed tablets that they give to severe schizophrenics! I mean...just...god, if you're meant to trust these people, then no wonder I'm scared of going into hospital...

      You mean the codeine and paracetamol tablets? Really? My God. No one else understands how it's easy to become addicted to them.

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    • Posted

      Yes, when I saw that I couldn't believe my eyes. I use them to calm me down!! I know how you feel so much it's scary. I know people who have been diagnosed instantly and I don't believe for a second they have it, just want the name. It's literally a day to day struggle sometimes to get dressed or even answer my phone. Other times (not for a while) I've not been able to keep still, going out feeling great. It's getting ridiculous. Hope you get sorted. I'm just waiting for a call back I can't cope. Put me on blummin betta blockers....what the heck.orrrr we gotta keep strong x
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  • Posted

    I too have a better relationship with my nan but that's even becoming weak. Everybody's heard it for too long. I know how you feel having to explain all the time errrrf 😞
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    • Posted

      I use the tablets for the exact same reason! I get 'phantom pain' from my anxiety, so I anxiously pop a few tablets and the placebo effect kicks in so the pain is gone; very scary when you think about it.

      You know, I do believe that it's all down to where you live, if you get the right help.

      But it's also painfully obvious that people like us are being failed on every front.

      It makes me so angry, depression is hardly ever talked about and when it is, it takes a backseat to other diseases or problems.

      I relate, I hate answering the phone or talking on the phone! My dog is getting older, so he had a problem we had to go to the vets for, and I just broke down. I find it very hard to control my emotions, so I understand how you are feeling. smile

      Well, I'm now not bothering with doctors or anyone like that. I'm tired of getting no where! I've spent four years trying to get help and I'm too wary now.

      Do you see a psychiatrist? Is that who prescribes your meds? As I know that GPs can't prescribe past a certain dosage.

      Awwh, I get it. Your illness takes over your whole life.

      Do whatever you can to keep your relationship strong with your Nan, as this illness is lonely as it is wirhout losing a lifeline smile

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