Suffering depression most of my life

Hi all,

and firstly my best wishes and hope to all suffering this disease.

Where do i start? Well my name is michael and im 30 years old and have a daughter (my princess) who is 13 years old. This is the first time i have joined a forum but am struggling so trying all options.

I grew up in a family where money was always almost non-existant and a contant struggle. My mother had ME which is similar to multiple sclerosis and my dad worked all hours to make ends meet. I had it in my head from an early age that things would be different for me and even that i would earn enough and change my familys life for better.

I left home at 14 staying on sofas at friends etc but completed college getting 3 qualifications in furniture, design and restoration. On completion it turned out these trades had significantly dropped in terms of wages, so took numerous factory roles which paid much better wages. I must also add that by now i am no longer confident in having employment in the trades i trained for.

When i was 9 years old was my first suicide attempt by ingesting salica beads to poison my self which i didnt talk about to anyone and made me violently sick. I couldn't understand why i did this and started drinking alcohol and smoking cannabis at 12. Then at 15 i met a girl which was instant love and i lied that i was 17 so not to put her off, she was a bit older and had previously been sexually abused when young and just finished a relationship with a herion addict. I thought i could love and care for this person and give her a happier life, this was not the case and eventually lead to our split with her dissapearing, pregnant with my child. This lead to my second suicide attemtpt which consisted of me swallowing a massive cocktail of tablets, being sectioned and having my stomach pumped after my mother had found me.

I was prescribed Fluoxetine which didnt really do anything helpful and carried on life for a while getting my own flat and finding a steady job at a Nestle factory which paid well. Around this time i also tried every possible way to find my ex and child with no results and being told by social that i didnt stand much chance being a 'father' not a mother. This dissapointed me but i carried on and worked in the hope that someday i would be stable and ready with my home etc. No matter what i did this pain never subsided and i worked many years blocking the pain with illegal drugs.

Years went by and my work turned worse and worse seeing many of my colleagues lose their job and mine become more difficult as numbers lessened. Out of the blue i was contacted by a friend saying my ex had been urgently trying to contact me! This was a shock to say the least, but i had to first see this was real. Turned out my ex had four other children and social had intervened due to abuse and neglect issues and the children were in the process of being fostered. I was told there was court proceedings taking place so quickly made arrangements to attend court and home my daughter with the help of my mother and father whom she now lives with. These rapid and extreme events actually lead to me having a heart attack which i recovered from.

Once all this had settled somewhat i was informed by my employers that i would be made redundant as of 1st April 2014 after more than 10 years! This was another shock but things had become so bad at work with only a fraction of workers remaining that i looked at this as 'Maybe this is happening for the better'. So my job ended and i started a brick laying course and another to get a CSCS or site card. Then after having no employment for a few months the job centre said i could attend a meeting with potential for work in a newly built Poundworld nearby. I jumped at the chance and completed training for weeks that was a 3 hour journey and 3 hours back each day. I was taken on as they were pleased with my work, so began work at this new shop even helping to fit out the interior ready for customers etc. The money was poor but i enjoyed the work whilst struggling to make ends meet. The management were so impressed by my quick learning of banking, computer and card systems etc that quickly i climbed to be 'shop floor manager' This felt good but was quickly soured by missing wages and a promised but never realised wage amount. Sometimes i would work 70 hours and be paid for 30 at minimum rate! At this time was almost my third suicide attempt, i bought whisky and cigars turned off smoke alarms and planned to set my home alight then go to bed. My father called my phone just as i was preparing which was enough to change my thought a bit and i went sleep after a short conversation.

These reasons led eventually to me leaving having ran up debt as i wasn't earning or paid as i should have been. I quickly found another factory job and was shown in interview stages that i would take home £490 per week, however this was not true and actually £270!! After my annoyance regarding that i quickly noticed again i was working long hours and very hard shifts, needing to lift machine parts weighing up to 72kgs ( my weigh was and is around 50kgs ). This was extemely hard and i spoke with managers who just said i will get used to it! I didn't. I got depressed as felt i had no options and began Citalopram from doctors. A few months passed with me taking injurys and pain daily and being made fun of by other employees and managers, then one day i was trying to move a huge machine with no help offered which was too heavy resulting in me being crushed somewhat and badly bruised from my wrist to my shoulder. I showed this to a manager and said this is why i had many times said i need help, and his response was " You didnt do that injury here im not paying for that". This was the final straw and feeling broken i could no longer return to this job.

I didnt start to claim benefit help or do anything, i had basically given up and was ill needing help. Eventually i was ready and agreed to go with my mother to CAB to seek help. They pointed me in the direction of some help with benefits and i continued to see my doctor. I started noticing after a few months the citalopram was no longer working and also started drinking quite heavily. I managed to control my drinking and was changed to Sertraline 50mg as i also started having anxiety problems struggling to leave home or see people at all. Initially i had side affects as usual when starting new medication but then it seemed to help a little enabling me to go out a little when necessary. This was short lived and the doctors upped my dose to 100mgs and again a started drinking. At this dose i started to sort of lose myself and would have waves of extreme anger worse than ever and i could not understand this.

I kept up appointments with the doctor who also forwarded my details to get psychiatry help. Weeks passed and i didnt hear from them. My doctor wanted to up my dose again but i said i had struggled with the last increase so, didn't. I got worse and i started taking cocaine as it made me feel better and blur reality. After sometime i received a letter from the psychiatry place saying im on a waiting list and would be contacted soon. This angered me as i was aware that i was spiralling deeper in my troubles. My cocaine use grew fast and i ran out of money. I could'nt take reality any longer and lost control borrowing from any company that offered me money until all routes were exhausted.

Which leads me to now... Heaps of debt, possibility of losing my home, drug probs?, drinking probs?, Insomnia, loneliness and feeling lost/dead... Oh and STILL on the waiting list for help!! Are they just waiting for my death??

Sorry this is soooo long, and thank you to any who have taken their time read. Again love and best wishes to others stuggling also. x

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