Suffering from repercussions of brother's suicide, anxiety, depression and falling out of love.

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Its a complicated story, but thank you for reading it. I am Sam, My boyfriend is Joseph, and his brother is Carter. 

Now, to sum up the back story to Joseph's and My own relationship, I was kicked out of the house the day before I turned 18, my mom had a miscarriage and she was angry about me wanting to go to college. So to make it easier I lived with Joseph so I could finish high school, Joe then went to Syracuse New York for college, he was alone, grew depressed and I worried he thought of suicide. (his mother would call every 3 days to tell him how much his schooling cost and how he "Better not fail") So, eventually he grew tired of it, and I offered for him to live with me for the summer. I'd bought an apartment and a car and figured I could try and empower him for a bit. His mother attacked him and told him he "isnt a man and cannot play "house" with Sam". She texts him often about how he is still a child and will not be successful being with me. I worked 2 jobs to save up money as he tried to get a job... he ended up working at a fast food place and it hurt his ego. He looked around more and after dozens of rejections he got a job at a very nice company. Two weeks into his work and a close chance with happiness, Joseph lost his closest brother (Carter) to suicide. Carter killed himself in his dorm and it took about 2 weeks to ship his body home, when he arrived their Mother (being a million dollar business owner) wanted to launch an investigation case to see if it was murder. Doing this, Carter's burial was pushed back 3 times. Joseph struggled in dealing with the death, the circumstances, the prolonged suffering of 3 MONTHS until Carter was buried. Joseph hadn't seen Carter for a year and when he did, Carter was already in the decaying process... since then, he hasn't been the same. His mother has grown very controlling and aggressive toward me and Carter's fiancee. She had grabbed me in front of Joseph and told me she didn't need me "taking her son from her." I understand her point of view, but Joseph chose in the end to stay with me, I worked hard so he could... however aside from that. Joseph's world is in shambles. His mother disapproves of me, his brother is gone, he doesnt have much money to his name, he isn't in college right now, he doesnt have a car although I tell him mine is his too, he has high dreams and passions but no one to really help him reach them. Anyway, I'm sorry if I didn't make much sense, its really complicated, I left a lot of other occurences out but those are the main reasons I know Joseph is suffering from severe anxiety. Also, he mentioned how he romantically doesn't love me anymore, and i think it makes sense since he is being psychologically chased by monsters and insecure about what he needs in his life.... why would he have time for me? However, he still Loves me, in a friend way and I passionately love him... I figure space is what he needs and support in his decisions that will make him happy and feel like a man or someone of success. So I told him to put Us, Me, his romance on the back burner so he could face his other demons... I realize that I give him anxiety now, and I hate it. he is my best friend and we have struggled together,I feel like we deserve to experience the happy time together soon... maybe that will come when he is secure.... How do I help him get there? Thank you for your time and help.

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  • Posted

    Hi! I applaud you for telling him to put you guys in the back burner. Right now a lot is going on and maybe he is confused about a lot of things. Sometimes we just have to let go. If its meant to be, it will all work out. I believed that if it was true love it would all come together. However, there has to be love from both parties. With so much going on, he may be unsure about what he is feeling. Give him space and be there for him if he needs you. You obviously love him or you wouldn't be here writing about him. This can't be easy for you but keep your head up. He has been through a lot and has a lot of pressure from his mother. Give him time and space and in time he will sort all of this out. When he sees what an amazing, caring woman you are (i believe it or you wouldn't have written about him) he will come back. Unfortunately you can't help him speed up the process. He will get there when he is ready. All you can do is tell him how much you love him and that you will be there should he need you. I don't know if I helped but I wish you well!
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    • Posted

      I really appreciate your kind words, it helps to know that someone read my words and cared enough to reply. smile so thank you.
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  • Posted

    Oh my goodness what an awful position to be in...............what an absolutley wonderful person you are smile it cannot be easy for either of you...........

    Suicide is so tragic - lots of un answered questions. Joseph must be in a terrible place at the minute......... My son killed himself and his brother is also called Joseph - how weird ................ Joseph needs all your support and love but also space to breath at this tragic time. My heart goes out to you both xxxxxxx

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    • Posted

      So many questions! It's like you're handed papers written in another language and whne you try to translate it, the meaning of the paper changes and is different for everyone... So no one agrees.

      I'm sorry for your loss, a mother should never feel what you have felt, I send you all the positive energy and thought I can muster.

      Thank you for your thoughts and time. He and I are close, as the day has passed and as we've talked, its clear that he wanted me to be his friend and support.

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  • Posted

    You are helping him by being around and being a good listener.

    With my anxiety I can't commit to relationships. Can't always answer the phone and get restless being in a persons flat for more than 2 hours. What he feels is connected to this anxiety. He is afraid he will let you down and thinks 'how can she put up with me'.

    In the mean time you have to have your own life. There is a limit as to what time we  can all give. You, yourself need oxygen to breath.

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    • Posted

      It's hard because he told me the truth to protect me, saying that he doesn't know what he wants and that he doesn't know why he doesn't feel romantically in love with me.. He loves me for me though, its just hard because I want to comfort him with hugs and cuddles and touch... To deal with it I've been reading a lot on diet and depression/seretonin levels... Tried to cook for him to give him something to look forward to. We talk like best friend still. I guess I wanted to understand what may be going on for him... So thank you for opening up and giving me an idea. It's very appreciated. For now, I'll listen more and give him tools and articles to inspire him.
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    • Posted

      Also, I don't know what's given me the strength, I just feel like he's earned my loyalty and I want him to know that he deserves to be loved like you or anyone else.
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  • Posted

    Hey Sam; Its Jospeh 10 months into the future. I guess I should follow this up with some more story.

    Following Carters death, I became unsure of my position on what I was doing anymore,  I felt that I was failing everyone, including Sam, by avoiding going to school again. I choose to try to fix things with my parents and go back to Syracuse for another semester so I could transfer out. In the mean time I told Sam that I needed a break for awhile and I didnt know when I would be back, because I really was very numb to the whole thing. To this day I still love Sam, but Im not in love with Sam like I was; I account that directly with not being in touch for a long time. Im doing much better now, time was the ultimate cure to this event, and I just needed to aid my ego for a moment, become my own man for a second... I appreciate what you did Sam.

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    • Posted

      Oh boy...I never read posts before I post...maybe I should have.

      I hope Sam is doing well.... if it were meant to be...it would be.

      You sound like you have made good choices...in the face of your grief...both you and Sam...seem like really smart people.....I wish you well.

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  • Posted

    Wow..you are a very mature..kind..loving young lady.

    You can't help him any more than you are right now....you can't wear yourself out..helping everyone else.

    And you will hear 100x...you can't help anyone else...if you aren't helping yourself.  

    Joe needs counseling...to deal with the greif of his brother and the wack job he has for a mother....granted...her SON dying....is horrible...and it sounds like it understandably..pushed her more into the wacky category.

    IF he gets into counseling, they will point him in the right direction, provide resources...decide how he wants to move forward in his life.

    As far as his past...his mother not liking you....you are his life right now....so block her out..focus on the present...dont let him dwell on things that his mother has said or done in the past.  

    If I were you I would go on line and look up the grief process...and search for subjects on how to help a loved one thru the grief process.  

    I hope he gets on his feet...eventually you will be burned out if he doesn't sad

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