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Suicidal

Posted , 10 users are following.

mami5
mami5

Need permission to die.  Please?.......Anyone?

2 likes, 61 replies

61 Replies

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  • mami5
    mami5

    Posted

    Phoned my CPN today.  Asked her for permission to die - she obviously refused too.  But it was worth the try.

    Why won't anyone grant me my wish, and allow me to die?

  • Cupar2514
    Cupar2514 mami5

    Posted

    Okay Mami5, I think you know the answer to why no-one is going to give you permission to die. Not only is it morally wrong, it's also illegal.

    You have opened the trap doors to your past and they have been closed for a very long time. Once upon a time, there were monsters down there, but now they are memories of monsters, as insubstantial as pictures on a screen.

    You have a CPN and a psychologist helping you. You may also need the help of the Crisis and Home Treatment Team to support you whilst you are going through what will be the hardest part of your treatment, yes, this bit is the hardest and it will last a while, but stick at it and it will get easier, and I'm sure you've been told this before and it seems difficult to believe. However, it is true. It will stay difficult for a while, how long depends on many things which I am not party to, but it will get better and easier. It will be a bumpy ride for you, but lets face it, hasn't it been bumpy for a long time, and you are still here? In this case (as in most) death is not really a valid way out. I can't imagine you particularly wish your psychiatric team going through Coroner's Court after waiting up to a year in limbo-land. Believe me, that is truly traumatic. Nor do imagine you want the b*stards who made your life so unpleasant (I'm guessing that this is an understatement and a half) to win, what right have they got to do that? What right do they have to make you take your own life, or even feel that way? None, none what-so-ever.

    Instead of asking for permission to die, ask for advice on how to live, on how to get through each day whilst you are going through this difficult period. When you remember the past - you can't stop the memories any more than you can make water flow uphill - remember you were much younger, with little if any control. It is absolutely normal to feel guilty for not standing up to these things, for not preventing them. But this is putting an adult's head on the body of the child. That's not how it was. A child and a young person is relatively powerless, and made to feel more so. I know, I have worked professionally with perpetrators for 12 years now as well as victims.

    Ask your CPN about respite care, not an admission, an acute admission is usually avoided if possible. Opening an episode for youunder the Crisis Assessment and Home Treatment Team may be the best option. Look again at your CPA Care Plan, ask for a review of your CPA Care Plan and risk assessment.

    The point is, you need to let others help you, but you must take their advice and try it, not merely to prove them wrong, but in the hope that they are right (which they usually are). As a Mental Health Nurse and former CPN of 7 years experience, I can say with a lot of confidence that you can trust their judgment. Ring the Crisis Team tonight, it's what they are paid to do. It's a damn sight better than another OD or lots of conflicting advice.

    You can get through this and if you choose to do so, you will succeed, but that choice is yours and no-one elses.

    Post an update when you have done this, okay?

    All the best

    Cupar2514

    • mami5
      mami5 Cupar2514

      Posted

      Hi, thnkyou for your post (not sure why it took a week to be postd though).  Have spoken to my CPN and she thinks my best option is to continue with DBT as it should help me stop self harming and overdosing.  Have been under HTT in the past, don't think they'd be much help for me now.  I'm suffering from horrendous memories from different traumas in my past at the moment.  It is very hard to cope with them.  Suicidal thoughts and s/h o'd urges are very high, but as you say I don't want them to win and take my life too, it's just that I am so tired of fighting all the time.  Will see psychologist on Friday.  He was away on training last week.

      Mami  

  • angela91633
    angela91633 mami5

    Posted

    Hi mami5. I am also around the same age as you (51). Please try to get medication (antidepressants) to take away your pain. I know what it's like to feel that pain, but it will go away if you get help. Your life will feel worthwhile again. There could be so many good things you could do with your life, once you are well again. As I said - I've been there but I am better now and so glad that I am here to help others. (I help dogs, cats, rescued animals & disabled children.) I hope that you will also find someone to help. There are plenty of creatures who need help & would be glad of you. I hope I have helped you in some small way. Just know that others are with you.
    • mami5
      mami5 angela91633

      Posted

      Hi angela, thank you.  Sorry you've suffered too.  It's hard.  I am on antidepressants at the moment, though saw GP yesterday and CPN today, and they are considering stopping them altogether.  They are obviously not working very well if I'm still suicidal.  No alternatives will be offered either as I have a history of overdosing, on both meds and paracetamols.
    • mami5
      mami5 patricia44773

      Posted

      Hi Pat, I will continue to do DBT with psychologist and I can phone my CPN during office hours.  She is very good at listening.
    • patricia44773
      patricia44773 mami5

      Posted

      I wish you the very best my friend.  My heart aches for you and I hope some day soon you will feel that life is worth living again.

      Pat.

  • mami5
    mami5

    Posted

    Struggling tonight.  Feeling really low and alone.  Want to od.  Want to die.
  • dysthymicguy
    dysthymicguy mami5

    Posted

    Hi mami5. I had suicidal tendencies most of my life. Once I read a simple technique from one spiritual book. It said to imagine that you are already dead. I did that many times, it's sort of meditation, and sometimes it helps, sometimes not. Usually though, it made me at least cry really hard, because the feeling sorry for myself just got too overwhelming.

    I know that this might sound agaist everything that everyone else offers here, but if you give in to that thought of dying completely, you should get some relief, or at least some idea, or insight. Pushing impossible change never works. Acceptance sometimes does. Definitely, don't attempt suicide as that is never a good idea. And let me know how it went.

    • mami5
      mami5 dysthymicguy

      Posted

      Hi and thank you for your reply.  I often imagine myself dead, it's good.  It gives me peace.  Means I am young again and pain free and back with my Dad and dog.  It is where I want to be.  The next life is better than this one.  I don't belong here.

      As for crying, I've not been able to for over three years.  There's no relief there.

      Mami

    • patricia44773
      patricia44773 mami5

      Posted

      You DO belong here.

      You have no idea about the next life....if you have you know a lot more than the most celebrated scientists.

      You miss your dog....I have so many animals that I mourn and miss.  Rescue another dog or a cat, do something wonderful whilst you are in this bloody awful world.  You are here for a reason, to make your mark on the world, however small that may be.  Perhaps you have already done that, but you can always do more.

      I fight my depression by helping to relieve the suffering of animals, who are far, far worse off than us.  You were born free to live your life as you chose.....fight for the thousands of animals who are born to suffer.  Fight for something, someone, anything that is less fortunate than you.  Be a saviour to something/someone....give your life meaning, when you eventually DO die, be able to say "I wasn't happy with my time on earth, but I was able to do some good".

      You can't cry for yourself, but you can cry for some other needy person or animal.

      This is how I get through my time here.  I am not being judgemental, I promise you, I am just trying to help.  Forgive me if I have overstepped the mark, I just so wanted to help you.  You sound so desperately sad.

      Pat xxx

    • dysthymicguy
      dysthymicguy mami5

      Posted

      You say that you can't cry for over 3 years? I suggest you to start there. Why not? It's the one of biggest relief technique there is. Feel the emotion, don't be afraid of your own feelings. Accept anything you feel. Accept your reality. Allow yourself to feel sorry for yourself, even if only for a moment.

      If nothing works, try clenching your fists. That suppose to release endorphins, which kills emotional pain.

      p.s. maybe a stupid question, but are you taking antidepressants?

    • mami5
      mami5 patricia44773

      Posted

      Thank you for your reply.  The way I know about the next life is that I can see my Dad there with our old dog, he beckons me over to him.  He is there, younger and pain free.  That is what I want.

      I don't need to rescue an animal as I already have a dog and cat.  Thank you for the thought.

      I have started doing DBT recently and it is releasing horrendous memories from my past which I find very difficult to cope with.  I don't wish to go into details on here but they are really bad from more than one traumatic event.

      Mami xx

    • mami5
      mami5 dysthymicguy

      Posted

      I know that crying would be good for me and offer me huge relief but I can't do it.  Believe me I've tried many, many times, but there are no tears.  Psychologist believes there's a psychological reason for it but we haven't solved it yet.  I'm desperate to cry.

      I am on antidepressants, have been for over a year. 

      Mami xx

    • patricia44773
      patricia44773 mami5

      Posted

      I hope with all my heart that you are right Mami about the afterlife, what I would give to see my Mum and Dad...and all the animals I have loved and lost. 

      Please don't let it be the reason for you to make any hasty decisions about taking your life though, please.

      You sound to have had some really terrible times in your life, I am so sorry that you have suffered so much.  Forgive me if I sounded "holier-than-thou" in my last post, I shouldn't have spouted off.  It was my way of trying to help, but I can see that you didn't need that kind of advice.

      Anyway, I hope the DBT helps and I wish you peace.  I wish I could do more to help you, but I can't.

      Pat.

    • dysthymicguy
      dysthymicguy

      Posted

      Hi Mami5, I've been thinking about your situation for a while, and it seems to me that your psychological problem is unreleased grief. You mention your Dad and dog, and it's obvious that you miss them a lot, plus you can't cry. There is a book called Overcoming grief, which can give you some ideas. There are CBT techniques in it.for releasing grief. It should be in any library, but also you can get it from amazon,without leaving your house.
    • mami5
      mami5 dysthymicguy

      Posted

      Hi, thank you for your reply.  My Dad died 28yrs ago, the dog much before then.  I do miss my Dad a lot and probably didn't grieve much at time of death as I got married 3 months later, and a month afterwards I gave birth to my son who was 4 weeks premature.  Too many life changing events within 5 months!  And life just went downhill from then on.

      Mami 

    • patricia44773
      patricia44773 mami5

      Posted

      I get the feeling that you could write a book, Mami.  I cannot imagine someone going through all that in 5 months!!! 

      Why is the dog you mentioned that you see with your Dad so important to you?  I presume you have had many animals in your life.  You don't have to tell me, I was just interested. 

      Please tell me if you would rather I didn't ask questions, I would hate to intrude.

      PatXX

    • mami5
      mami5 patricia44773

      Posted

      Hi Pat,  Thanks for your reply.  It was rather hectic 5 months have to admit!!  My traumatic life had started before then though, during my Dad's illness.  While a year later I was being repeatedly raped by my husband.  During this time my second child was conceived. 

      My second husband was also abusive, towards me and my eldest 2 children.

      The dog that's with my Dad is my first dog.  We had as a puppy and I used to play with him when very young.  As I grew he kept all my secrets.  He was a fantastic dog.  The best.  Reminds me of my childhood when I was happy.

      I have suffered trauma and depression for 30 odd years off and on.  It's my birthday today, and I still wish to die.  Sorry.

      Mami xx

    • patricia44773
      patricia44773 mami5

      Posted

      Oh Mami.....HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!

      Wish I could give you a big hug and a cake with candles that you could blow out and make a wish.  I wish I could give you a present....and it would be happiness all wrapped up in a parcel with a bow.

      Don't die please, I want you to stay here.

      I can't stand to not know if you are still alive....and that is what would happen .....I would never know and that thought is making me cry.  You have no idea how reading your posts and interacting with you has helped me.....I know you didn't intend to help me, but you put my life into perspective, my heart goes out to you.

      Don't go.

      Pat xxx

    • mami5
      mami5 patricia44773

      Posted

      Thank you so much.  You have been very kind to me.  Glad that I've helped you somehow too. xx  Please don't cry for me.  Honestly, I'm not worth it.  Saw psychologist today for DBT and  he concentrated most of the session on coping skills which hopefully will help me.  Although I feel I want to die, I will not act on it, not tonight.

      Please ;look after yourself

      Mami xx

    • justbeingme2
      justbeingme2 mami5

      Posted

      YOU are worth it! Please try to love yourself. From your posts, you sound like a beautiful person! Don't give up! Happy Birthday!
    • mami5
      mami5 justbeingme2

      Posted

      Thank you xx

      Feeling very emotional today, but still unable to cry.

      Mami

    • dysthymicguy
      dysthymicguy mami5

      Posted

      Sorry for obviously misplaced advice. Seeing it was 38 years ago, it's not what I thought. Traumatic events you describe are much more likely cause. And crying might not be the solution neither. I only assumed that, because I personally can't go more than 2 days without crying, and it help me feeling better. But that's my problem. All I can say now is keep on writting. Here, anywhere else, or just for yourself on the paper. That is suppped to be therapeutic. For me, it slows down my mind, and make certain things clearer. Good luck.
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