Suicidal thoughts help!

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I've been with my husband for 16 years.. since I was 17 I'm not 33.. we've never been 100% happy. Life happened got pregnant young had another baby at 21 just fell into a routine and we've been together ever since.. I suffer from bipolar and severe depression and I am medicated thru my dr.. he suffers from depression and is untreated.. the past couple months things have drastically went down hill with u him and I. We do nothing but fight and argue. I understand all husbands and wives argue but it's to the point that it's a daily routine. I'm constantly being accused of cheating.. I'll admit there for a while I Antes to find someone else and was on plenty of fish. Wanted to leave.. he forgave me(so he says.. still gets thrown in my face) we moved on and tried to be happy but it never works.. we might go a few weeks without fighting but then when one little argument happens it is blown in a big ordeal.. I just want it all to stop. I feel like my life is worthless.. I've been talking to a guy friend that is a friend to both me and my husband and because I don't let him read every little thing this guy and I talk about I'm cheating. Last night a fight started my daughter told him I was talking to this guy and deleting messages I freaked out on her and broke her phone. In the process of breaking her phone with a wrench she hit the wrench and I now have a goose egg above my eye. I apparently broke our bedroom tv also.. I don't remember do this.. my husband then told me he was taking the kids this am and filing an order ofor protection against me and telling the police I threatened to hit my daughter with this wrench.. so in trying to save my marriage I've deleted Facebook and trying to make this work.. but the thought of just ending my life is there continually nagging at me. Just hit a tree going as fast as I can or just swallow a bottle of pills or put the car in the garage and leave the car running.. I don't know what to do! I know I need help but I'm afraid that if I seek the help I do need that he will use it against me and take my girls cause he's told me he'd do that before.. can anyone help?!

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12 Replies

  • Posted

    I can understand your pain to a certain extent as I also suffer from bipolar type 1.

    I will recommend you don't just rely on medication. Doctors say 51percent is through medication while 49 percent is through management skills. I would recommend you sign up for regular counseling sessions like weekly basis. Discuss with them your issues and ask them for solutions. I have greatly benefited from mindfulness, positive thinking, perseverance, openness to change and composure.

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    • Posted

      I have tried therapy before and I always give up on it cause hell make a comment ton me about it.. there's so many things I want to tell him but I just can't I can never be open with him to my feelings.. there's always a comment or a facial expression that shuts me down. Alot of times I feel like I have to walk on egg shells around him and not be myself or who I want to be.. with this friend I can be a complete different person and I think that why he thinks there is something going on between him and i

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    • Posted

      Well if you take the leap of faith and open up to your counselor your anxieties and insecurities will be done away wwith and you'll be a liberated person.

      I have learnt this from experience the day you accept that bipolar is a challenge that can be overcome your relations begin to improve. I think the fact that you swing between mania and depression heightened energies irritability and other states your not able to understand your husband not getting yourself understood. So first you need to open up to your husband that you feel that if you cope up with the bipolar than our relationship Can improve. Than go ahead and start counseling sessions as a pre requisite to get your relations back on track.

      Hope that helps

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    • Posted

      Is there a possibility that I am in constant manic episodes? I've heard of people suffering from episodes for a few days at a time but is it possible to be in that for months? I know along with manic episodes sometimes comes hyper sex drives.. it's like it is 24/7 for me.

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    • Posted

      I can't possibly ascertain that as I'm not a counselor myself. But if you have. Good combination of psychiatrist and counselor they will hopefully figure out what's the exact diagnosis. Be confident don't feel hopeless about your situation . Having a positive outlook on things and staying hopeful are the keys to manage bipolar successfully

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  • Posted

    Jessica, you must get help. How do you think your girls will feel if you end your life ?

    Dont leave them them with that legacy, thinking you didnt love them enough to stay with them.

    Is there anywhere you can go, family or friends until things calm down.

    Do you have a CPN you can turn to.

    Your husband needs to take some responsibility as well. He needs to see GP and discuss medication or mental health referral. Stay calm Jessica and safe.

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    • Posted

      That honestly is the only thing that has stopped me from doing anything stupid is my girls... I've tried to go stay with family or friends before and it makes it even worse between him and I. It's like if someone tries to help me he then hates them and I can no longer talk to them. He will not see a Dr he is petrified of drs..

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  • Posted

    Hi Jessica

    I read your post and nearly cried. I can feel your pain and that you are between a rock and a hard place.

    Suicide is not the answer as it would affect your girls. Not to mention your husband .

    If it was me I would show my husband this post because it proves you are trying to save yr marriage not destroy it.

    You obviously love your family and it sounds like you could all do with someone to talk to. Have u heard of family therapy? It is brilliant for situations like yours... Your CPN or health professional can organise this for you. Or counselling from Mind although there is usually a long waiting list.

    Don't despair. Tell your husband you love him and tell your girls that you love them too. The Bible has comfort. It says love covers a multitude of sins (1 Peter ch 4 v 8)

    And 1 Corinthians 13:8 says love never fails. IT was quoted at princess Diana funeral by her brother.

    I hope this has helped in at least some small measure Jessica ... If I can offer any more comfort I will gladly do so..

    Regards Wendy xx

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  • Posted

    Hi Jessica. Hopefully with the morning comes a bit of clarity. Its true what they say......the darkest hour is just before dawn.

    I think you and your husband need to sit down and talk. Regardless of your bipolar or his depression.........do you still love one another ?.........enough to see it through. It can be difficult to face up to, but perhaps youve just stopped loving one another.

    I hope your not feeling so desperate now. As soon as they open phone your CPN or crisis team. Sending you hugs xxx

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    • Posted

      I honestly get so tired of trying to talk cause it turns into fighting. One wrong word from either one of us turns into screaming and yelling. I can tell u on my side that I do love him but NOTHING like I used to.. I think it's more of cause we've been together for so long and he's the father of my children is why I still have love for him. I want to save my marriage but then there is a part of me that just wants to pack my stuff and leave but then my anxiety kicks in and I freak out as I've tried leaving multiple times. In Sept I had my own apartment and ended up having a break down and gave it up and stayed here. This is affecting my kids and I hate it and that's when the thoughts start

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    • Posted

      Hi Jessie I've read all your topic and I'm also having trouble with my bp boyfriend I don't know what should I do and I think you might be able to give me an advice maybe?!

      Well my bf who I’ve been with have suffered from bipolar all the girls in his past who he had been with never take him to treat his bipolar coz they love his mania about his money!!! But I think different I try to look up online to see his symptom which occur our relationship so bad and after I found out that he is bipolar then I asked him to have a treatment or end, he accepted my advice and have it treated in Thailand (that’s where we met).

      Life is up and down his hypomania become aggressive especially with me who he know that I will forgive him only if he said sorry after he smashed my head with table and fan etc (in Jan 2017)…

      On this trip march 2017 he had asked me if he can has ECT done coz he didn’t want to remember all the junk in his head, the doctor in new hospital have interviewed me for his condition which had been on bipo med for 6months but keep swinging like yoyo and of course that had already recorded by police the way he hurt me, the doctor accepted him after me begging for it. So far he had 2ECT sessions done and he refused to continue even though the session gotta be at least 4 with the new doctor and he claimed that ECT treatment is a trap to make people crazy!!?? I heard that everyday!! Nobody is good not even me!! However I would said my bf always wake up with a complained at everyone who in front of him to release his depression and he think like he is one genius never been beaten on earth and now I will try to give him med again and wait til he asking me again for ECT treatment which I think it effective more than 50% and I talk as a normal person who lived with bp man I can see the result better than the bipolar one I’m sure..every treatment at hospital can be painful and I been there but the result of it will make you proud afterward I believe like that.

      Now I need to know the med that will make him calm down no angry in the morning as the doctor give valproate , sertaline , tranzodone , preponolol, respiridone one of each a day but which one is best for stop angry and yelling screaming?!

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    • Posted

      The best medicine that has worked for me is effexor and Cymbalta they both pretty well keep my anger in check.. have u tried tell him how much the yelling and screaming affects u? Most people are grumpy in the morning but yelling and screaming every morning is a little excessive. Almost sounds like a temper tantrum for having to get up.. but as for what will work for him is a guessing game.. it took almost 10 years for me to find the exact right pill for me
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