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Hello fellow humans,
Just talking out load really, bouncing my thoughts off cyberspace. Would be interested to get other people’s perspectives. Some context: I have been diagnosed with GAD, a personality disorder and a mood disorder. I also have epilepsy. I have been prescribed Venlafaxine, Amisulpride (anti-psychotic), pre-gabalin and Lanzoprazole. I had a break down maybe 3 years ago and really was rather unwell although I was not sectioned. A few years on and anxiety is way down, depression comes and goes. A big improvement on 3 years ago.
The real issue is that I feel so ‘empty’ and ‘flat’. I have no drive. I am fat and lazy, I have no interest in work, sex, hobbies – life generally. I have been in the same job for 20 years and I am sick of it and everything about it. I still get seizures despite the anti-psychotic medication and this means I can’t drive and this is a real bummer as it makes it almost impossible to change my job as there is no public transport where I live and I am out in the countryside miles away from anywhere.
I have recently just got back from 3 weeks holiday in China and had a great time. I started to feel a bit better and my old nagging thoughts came back that maybe my issues now are as much medication related as they are mental illness. The epilepsy only started when I took Amisulpride, the flatness I think comes from the medication. I have tried weaning myself off medication but it never works out – it is just not the way I work. Instead I have decided to try cold turkey and have not taken anything for a couple of weeks. Physically I feel crap, shakes, queasy, brain zaps etc. This is all withdrawal I think and I believe I am over the worst of it. Mentally I am starting to see things with more vitality and passion. I am interested in sex again, I have decided to take up wildlife photography and gone on a shopping spree etc.
All this would be fine and dandy but my suicidal obsessions are also back. I am back to wondering what is the meaning of life, how the world would be better if humanity suddenly ceased to exist, the moral dilemma of propagating the problem by having children (I have a 20 year old who I love very much). My wife is going away for a few days in December and I am seriously thinking about taking the easy way out of suicide while she is away. I am thinking about plans and pros and cons and implications in what appears to be a cool and analytical way – I am turning the idea over in my hands. I have attempted suicide before when I was very unwell. This wasn’t cool and calculated at all, it was desperate and terrifying.
I guess what it all comes down to is are my current suicidal thoughts necessarily symptoms of mental illness? Surely people can just have enough and maybe suicide is the ‘right’, mentally stable option? Maybe by stopping the medication the fog is clearing revealing the ideal path?
So, to the nub of the issue, should I be seeking help for an illness or are my thoughts those of a well and sane person and does it matter anyway?
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