Suicide and mental health - my ramblings...
Posted , 6 users are following.
Hello fellow humans,
Just talking out load really, bouncing my thoughts off cyberspace. Would be interested to get other people’s perspectives. Some context: I have been diagnosed with GAD, a personality disorder and a mood disorder. I also have epilepsy. I have been prescribed Venlafaxine, Amisulpride (anti-psychotic), pre-gabalin and Lanzoprazole. I had a break down maybe 3 years ago and really was rather unwell although I was not sectioned. A few years on and anxiety is way down, depression comes and goes. A big improvement on 3 years ago.
The real issue is that I feel so ‘empty’ and ‘flat’. I have no drive. I am fat and lazy, I have no interest in work, sex, hobbies – life generally. I have been in the same job for 20 years and I am sick of it and everything about it. I still get seizures despite the anti-psychotic medication and this means I can’t drive and this is a real bummer as it makes it almost impossible to change my job as there is no public transport where I live and I am out in the countryside miles away from anywhere.
I have recently just got back from 3 weeks holiday in China and had a great time. I started to feel a bit better and my old nagging thoughts came back that maybe my issues now are as much medication related as they are mental illness. The epilepsy only started when I took Amisulpride, the flatness I think comes from the medication. I have tried weaning myself off medication but it never works out – it is just not the way I work. Instead I have decided to try cold turkey and have not taken anything for a couple of weeks. Physically I feel crap, shakes, queasy, brain zaps etc. This is all withdrawal I think and I believe I am over the worst of it. Mentally I am starting to see things with more vitality and passion. I am interested in sex again, I have decided to take up wildlife photography and gone on a shopping spree etc.
All this would be fine and dandy but my suicidal obsessions are also back. I am back to wondering what is the meaning of life, how the world would be better if humanity suddenly ceased to exist, the moral dilemma of propagating the problem by having children (I have a 20 year old who I love very much). My wife is going away for a few days in December and I am seriously thinking about taking the easy way out of suicide while she is away. I am thinking about plans and pros and cons and implications in what appears to be a cool and analytical way – I am turning the idea over in my hands. I have attempted suicide before when I was very unwell. This wasn’t cool and calculated at all, it was desperate and terrifying.
I guess what it all comes down to is are my current suicidal thoughts necessarily symptoms of mental illness? Surely people can just have enough and maybe suicide is the ‘right’, mentally stable option? Maybe by stopping the medication the fog is clearing revealing the ideal path?
So, to the nub of the issue, should I be seeking help for an illness or are my thoughts those of a well and sane person and does it matter anyway?
BM
3 likes, 6 replies
Patient Bogmonster
Posted
Hi Bogmonster
We note from a recent post which you have made to our forum that you may be experiencing thoughts around self-harm. If we have misinterpreted your comments then we apologies for contacting you directly. But if you are having such thoughts then please note that you are not alone in this, and there are people out there that can help.
If you are having these suicidal thoughts then we strongly recommend you speak to someone who may be able to help. The Samaritans offer a safe space where you can talk openly about what you are going through. They can help you explore your options, understand your problems better, or just be there to listen.
Their contact details are on our patient information leaflet here: https://patient.info/health/dealing-with-suicidal-thoughts, which also offers lots of other advice on how you can access the help you may need.
If you are having such thoughts then please do reach out to the team at the Samaritans (or the other people detailed in our leaflet) who will understand what you're going through and will be able to help.
Kindest regards
Patient
Bogmonster Patient
Posted
Hi,
I do weekly therapy sessions with a private psychotherapist but I don't feel it is getting anywhere and it is not the answer. I have been thinking about talking to the Samaritans - I have talked to them in the past. I have also written a letter explaining the issues to my GP. I have also discussed with my wife but played down the suicidal thoughts as it understandably upsets her. I have difficult philosophical questions I am seeking answers to like what is the meaning of life and what does it mean to commit suicide? I don't believe in an afterlife so death is the end. I can see the argument that taking your loved ones with you is the kindest thing to do but I would never do that on the off chance I made a terrible miscalculation. We have religious leaders who can offer pastoral advice but who can help us with our philosophical questions? Having just dumped all this back on my GP I wonder what he will come back with - I know this is not really his stuff to deal with? Maybe I need to go back into mental health primary care but I am still mentally ill. It is all very confusing.
BM
borderriever Bogmonster
Posted
Bogmonster
I have read your post and the advice given by Patient, and I generally agree with their writing.
Samaritans can talk you around and can help. I would also advise that you could try the NHS Helpline on Tel 111. They can move you on through the system and arrange either Hospital or a visit by the Crisis Team. You can also contact the NHS Emergency Department if you feel the need for that sort of help
I tried Suicide a while ago and was rushed into hospital, like you the treatment was nasty and the Doctors and Police were persistent pre and post treatment. All we do is cause severe negative feeling from those who love us. We are gone we leave the wreckage behind us and it can have negative effects for those we leave behind.
Whatever you do make an appointment with your GP. Write your list explaining your thoughts, actions and fears.
You may need help so go and help yourself. You are not alone I still consider death although in my case I feel the thoughts are addictive and I would not carry out that final pathway.
You need to talk to people or your GP about your thoughts, we are also around for a chat
BOB
Yuki50 Bogmonster
Posted
Dear Bogmonster. Well to start with go to another doctor and seek, different meds. That had a lot to do with how your feeling. second think about not you, but those that truly love you. Taking your life, it’s not about you. There are people that love you. You talked about China, what a place, I’ve been to Japan a few times. I loved it!!! I myself have been going though problems, but I think of those I would hurt if I did what your thinking. Don’t go there. Your stronger then that. I’m sure if you found the right Med’s & therapy you can get though this. Don’t stop fighting for you!!! Your important. Begin to love you! It’s hard, but you can do it!!! Best of luck. Love to you.
RainbowStar1959 Bogmonster
Posted
Hi. The events and experiences you described may be related to exacerbation of your Depression. Additionally you may be experiencing periods of hypomania (not quite manic or hypermanic) Your going cold turkey with your Meds. May be hypomania and you believe that you don't need medications, that you are fine and dandy just as you are. Many who have Mental Health challenges often come to this point. The experience of withdrawal can be agonizing, without medical oversight.. You may rapidly decline. Not being the preacher, it is very dangerous to stop taking these medications without involment and advice from you physician. Stopping a medication must be done slowly, titration get the dose downward with caution and with ongoing assessment of your response to lower doses. Please see your physician as soon as possible. Make her/him aware of your cold turkey cut off of your meds and speak openly and honestly about your suicidal ideation, the meticulous planning as to method, and the meticulous setting of when and where.
I have often convinced myself that I do not need medications, treatments, or therapy, Fortunately, I have an excellent therapeutic relationship with my psychiatrist and will discuss my thoughts honestly before taking action (at least so far)
Suicide taken as a rational, logical action; believing it doesn't matter either way, belief that it would be better for everyone if you were dead, belief that suicide is the only way to stop the constant endless agony and torture and to finally be free, and my go-to rationalization, believing that those you love and are loved by should slip on your shoes for a week or two. After which they will understand and respect your decision as they would for anyone who has a terminal prognosis. They will be in sorrow but would not be angry, left asking why didn't I see this coming, if I had done more he/she would not be dead, what did I not do that would have helped? Frequently all you feel, see, understand and frightened is the bottom of your abyss with no escape hatch. You are not alone. You do matter, you posted your sorrow, fears, and plans which matter to you and to all who read your post. There is a post on Tedx Talks which may help, he speaks all our truths. It is called: Why we choose Suicide, posted by Mark Henrick
I believe everyone matters, the permanent loss of one person will leave a jagged tear in the fabric of humanity. This doesn't mean that I haven't planned my death, or that I haven't tried to kill my self many, many times. It does keep me going in between these dark, painful, and tortuous periods when my solution is suicide.
Please, please, contact a mental health practitioner RIGHT NOW!
I send you strength, Peace and Love. You are not alone a very strong army walks beside you. ????🌈🌈
Digsby Bogmonster
Posted
Hi BM,
It's December & I apologise for not writing sooner. I'm really wanting to know if you have changed your way of thinking at all.
I can relate to the bad side effects - Venlafaxine killed my libido & I had to come off it cold turkey, something I would never recommend, but I did what I thought was best for me at the time, and so did you. I'm sorry that the suicidal urges came back with a vengeance. I have lived with the same for several years & I think that one day I will have had enough & consider life intolerable. But that day has not come yet & while I have been very close to the edge, peering into the abyss, with suicide note written & funeral planned (on more than one occasion), I look back & I'm grateful that I am still here - every day is precious & I hold on to some hope for the future. The more you think about the "end", the more attractive it may become. But please be logical & consider all the cons to your actions. I'm sure it would have a devastating effect on your daughter & wife. There's a place in their lives & in this world that only you can fill. If you are looking for purpose, maybe you just haven't looked in every place yet. Please keep looking. Let us know how things are at the moment because there are people you've never met who do care about you. Take care :-)