1. Community
  2. Mental health
  3. Anxiety Disorders

Supporting someone who pushes you away

Posted , 3 users are following.

AmyR1989
AmyR1989

I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years. He is an extremely sensitive guy, but doesn't show emotions easily, he prefers to bottle things up or run away from problems rather than address things, deal with them and move on. In the past (approx 10 years ago and before I knew him) he had a mental breakdown, to the extent where he tried to end his life. After this, he went abroad for a year, and I think this is when he learned to run away from things instead of deal with them. After a failed relationship, he moved to where we live now, for example, to get away from it.

His mother died 6 months into our relationship. He doesn't really speak to his family, and never knew his father, and his best friend also stopped speaking to him at this time. He broke down when we argued and admitted that he felt that when he didn't have me, he felt like he had no one.

Since then, another of his friends has also stopped speaking to him after a catastrophic holiday we had together with him and his partner, during which his supposed friend's brother threatened physical violence on him.

I had been questioning my life over the past 6-9 months (I turned 25 and wondered if I was on the right path etc) and this caused me to unintentionally push my boyfriend away, rather than communicate with him how I felt. As a result of this, and I believe also a result of his feelings of being alone, abandoned etc, he has shut down. He claims to no longer love me, he is going to move back to his home town, he looks at me sometimes with such pain in his eyes but sometimes as if he hates me. He blames me for things which aren't my fault. He text me last night saying that the only person who ever loved him (his mom) is dead and so are his feelings for anybody or anything. He says he would rahter be alone, he doesn't trust me or anybody else, he likes feeling dead to all emotions, not having friends and not talking to anyone.

This is very unlike him, I know how important it is for him to have friends because of how he has reacted to losing friends. I wish he would just open up to me and talk about how he really feels instead of just pushing everyone who cares about him away - as in reality, although he says he is alone, he has friends who want to be there for him - but I know I can't force that. A while ago he made a doctor's appointment because he said he felt he had social anxiety, but he didn't follow through with it.

I don't want to lose him, I hate seeing him so confused and acting so strangely. He didn't get out of bed for a whole day the other day, even though we have 2 dogs together which need to be fed and walked etc.

I just need some advice on how to help him, it's horrible seeing someone you love so much act this way!

1 like, 3 replies

3 Replies

  • chantelleb
    chantelleb AmyR1989

    Posted

    Hi Amy, you mentioned that your boyfriend made an appointment for the docs but never went, do you think you would be able to gently persuade him to go again, and suggest that you will accompany him for support? It sounds like he is depressed and in need of professional help. Not wanting to get out of bed is usually a sign of this as it is lack of motivation to do everyday tasks brought on by depression, which is understandable as he seems to have had a pretty rough time lately. If you could persuade him to see a doc then this would be the first step to his recovery. You seem like a very sensible, caring person so you will need to be patient as you already know you can't force him but don't be ashamed to ask for help. Also don't forget to look after yourself too, as this will be very draining for you aswell. Remind him that you are there for him and that you just want him to feel happy, men find it hard to express their feelings at the best of time but if you can both be honest about how you feel, the quicker you will be able to find solutions together. I hope it all works out and you start moving in the right direction. Good Luck 
  • Leonela
    Leonela AmyR1989

    Posted

    Hey Amy I agree with Chantelle. He is definitely going through extreme anxiety and a bit of depression. He should speak to a psychiatrist or even start off with speaking to his gp about how he has been feeling. Anxiety and depression can definitely take a toll on someone's life without one even realizing it. As for you, stay by his side and offer him support even if he's pushing you away. I had something similar happen to me with my sons dad and he pushed me away so much that it eventually worked and now I'm a single mother, struggling with severe anxiety and depression, and the seperation was definitely a big unfluence. For a while I felt helpless and was so afraid of death, but I've just been through so much emotionally in the past three years and though it's hard to admit that it is anxiety deep down I know that it is. Anyway like I said try to stay by his side and always tell yourself that it is anxiety and give him help.
    • Leonela
      Leonela

      Posted

      Good luck with everything and I hope that he gets some help and both of you feel better soon. ♡♡
Back to top

Report or request deletion

Thanks for your help!

We want the community to be a useful resource for our users but it is important to remember that the community are not moderated or reviewed by doctors and so you should not rely on opinions or advice given by other users in respect of any healthcare matters. Always speak to your doctor before acting and in cases of emergency seek appropriate medical assistance immediately. Use of the community is subject to our Terms of Use and Privacy Policy and steps will be taken to remove posts identified as being in breach of those terms.