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Where to begin.. First time poster here. This site has gotten me through A LOT on my road to recovery and for that I thank all who contribute so much.
I've suffered from panic attacks since I was a very young kid, and when I got a bit older and the real world hit me, so did depression. On the surface I'm someone no one would expect to have dealt with this, and the few people I've told don't necessarily see the extent. When it's YOU dealing with it, it's magnified ten fold obviously. But I've suffered quietly for years. I could always get myself out of bed and go about my day but the depression seemed to linger and always be with me, as did the panic at times (ex: far car rides).
Fast forward to 2012, I'm on a booze fueled vacation with buddies and on the 4th day decide to take a break. Between the dehydration/detox/underlying anxiety, I basically had a break down on the beach. Ended up in the hospital and had to have my parents come and get me the next day to take me home. The experience shook me to my core and made me realize just how intense it could get. Agoraphobia followed for a bit, as did crippling depression, intrusive thoughts. It seemed to ease a bit but would creep up in intensity. By the summer of 2014, on beautiful days I found myself in a major slump consistently and finally decided to take medication. Insert Citalopram.
20 mgs seemed to do nothing. Shortly after doc bumped to 40, and walllllllah. No side effects to begin, and not a single side effect till it kicked in. The stuff saved my life at the time. I knew it couldn't have been a placebo because I pretty much go into a medication expecting it not to worth. But surely, it was the one thing that cracked the slump in the biggest way possible. I finally had clarity in my life and noticed that the vicious cycle of angst/depression/intrusive thoughts all seemed to fall by the way side and I could be myself again. This continued for 6 months, until I convinced myself I was better and quit cold turkey. Besides brain zaps, no side effects and I partied pretty hard in the week coming off them (Holiday season). Did well for over a year without any intervention well into 2015. 2016 I felt myself starting to slip. Wanting to intervene and nip it in the bud before it got bad again, I met with a Nurse Practitioner and asked to start Citalopram again. It was the complete opposite as the first time around.
The first 3 days I puked, and sweat, and shot out of bed every 2 or 3 hours. I stuck it out for over 3 months and eventually reached the dose I had previously thinking it would someone kick in again. Night terrors, feeling like I was on some sort of designer drugs when I'd close my eyes. It seemed to stop panic attacks but left more of an underlying sense of anxiety and agitation. I told my doc and she stopped me immediately. Within a couple days the night terrors were completely gone as well as some of the intense symptoms. I weened off and started taking Fluoxetine 10mg while weening off for a week.
First couple days, no side effects. 5th day, felt like myself again. Next couple days, a low of depression and an INTENSE migraine on day 8. I keep getting a day or two there where I come home and it's like "Alright the stuff is finally kicking in" only to be crushed the next day. Now on day 17 at 10mg and not really seeing many benefits. Still anxiety, slightly agitated, the headaches have finalllllly gone away. Jiu Jitsu was always my escape and amazing for clearing my head, but at about the two week mark I wanted to run out of the academy and have a panic attack and when I stuck it out, it was like the biggest brain fart ever and I couldn't stay focused whatsoever. The NP said I shouldn't have too many side effects at 10mg, but I'm scared to jump to 20 if this is how I feel at this dose.
I've convinced myself I'm bi polar, but it seems like everytime I get clarification from a professional that I'm NOT crazy, my mood immedtialy lifts. That's why I think deep down it's just my anxiety wreaking havoc. I'm one of those people who will read something online and automatically assume it qualifies for me (ex: because the SSRI makes me feel strange, I'm bipolar.) Also read an article about people who ended up going crazy on Prozac, and it DID not help. It's like every anxiety attack I convince myself, "Alright this is it, I'm gonna go lose touch with reality," and it literally has never happened. I've been scared, but never fully lost it.
For anyone who has read the full thing, you are awesome and any feedback would be appreciated. Should I stick it out? Does it possibly get better? PLEASE a little positivity, I don't need to be scared more than I already am on meds. Just strange Cit was a wonder drug for me 2 years ago, and now I'm struggggggling to get situated on an SSRI.
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