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I think I am depressed. I don't know if I am or whether it is some form of anxiety. I feel so daft and silly talking to anyone about it. But lately I just feel so emotionally drained it's getting hard to hide from or put to the back of my mind.
I have a great boyfriend, daughter and supportive family. I have no reason to feel the way I do. When I was younger I tried to commit suicide by taking multiple paracetamol tablets but survived. I look back on that and know it was silly but kind of hoped it had been successful at the time.
My moods are up and down constantly. I feel like I've gone crazy. I can be in tears and not want to be here at all one minute and then act normal a few moments later.
I have many commitments and they are weighing me down. I've took too much on with work and studying towards a degree and studying towards a work qualification at the same time. I just can't focus on it all. There's not enough time in one day to do it all alongside work, look after my daughter and see my partner at the weekends as we have a long distance relationship.
When I'm driving I've had thoughts of just ending it. Just not wanting to be here. I moved back into my parents with the intentions of saving for a deposit on a house. Then I met my partner and things have changed slightly as the cost of us seeing each other is increasingly growing.
But even typing this I feel so stupid as if I need to say to myself, how the hell can you say these things; you've not got it bad, at least you have a roof over your head.
I would love to not just be here but then think of my daughter and who would look after her. I am all she has. Her father up and left, and I do feel swarmed with an overpowering sense of responsibility when it comes to her. She's a good kid so I don't know why...
I don't want to talk to my partner about this as a family member of his passed away having committed suicide, but feel so guilty not saying anything as I tell him everything. He is my best friend but feel he deserves so much better. I think he knows I'm not myself at the moment.
There's been a lot going on recently and I feel it's taking a toll. I can't stop crying uncontrollably, and it's making me think suicidal. It's like I'm in a constant battle arguing with my brain. My head hurts so much. I'm completely scattered and constantly tired.
I just want to be able to snap out of this frame of mind. I know I have what it takes to succeed with my degree course as I'm such a creative person. I want a future and family with my partner and daughter. I just want to feel happy. I have no reason to not be happy. There's so much to look forward to so why am I not happy? It's as if I've given up already, no motivation. I'm just living day by day. Like an empty shell.
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