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Talking to a partner

Posted , 6 users are following.

Sarah24
Sarah24

I've had herpes for over 2 years now and now need some advice about sharing this with a potential partner! Fear of not bein accepted etc are all running through my mind!

Any help advice would be greatly appreciated!

Sarah xx

0 likes, 12 replies

12 Replies

  • sunshine44960
    sunshine44960 Sarah24

    Posted

    Hello Sarah24,

    It's great that you are ready to go out there and meet someone.

    In my opinion this is a 50-50 situation and you should be psychologically prepared that you may be rejected. Not everyone is broadminded to accept a situation like this. Just shrug off those who reject you and don't let it bother you. Guys reject girls all the time and vice versa for one reason or another, so it shouldn't be a big deal if he rejects you because you have herpes smile

    Make sure you have gone out a couple of times with the person before telling them. If you feel there is potential then you just have to pick your moment and just tell him.

    In my opinion, if the person is the right one for you, he will not have any problem with this. You will have to tell him more about it and encourage him to read about it. Together you will be ready for outbreaks and minimize sex during the period. Your outlook on the whole affair is really primordial. If you make a great deal out of it, it's possible he will also make a great deal out of. Let him know it doesn't really affect your life and it shouldn't bother him cause you will do everything to make sure he's protected smile

    You are beautiful inside out and that is what the right guy will see.

    You are welcome to write if you have questions or need positivity

    Hugs and good luck smile

    • Sarah24
      Sarah24 sunshine44960

      Posted

      Hi sunshine 

      Thanks for the positive words of advice!! Have you ever been rejected or a happier note accepted? 😊

      Xx

  • sunshine44960
    sunshine44960 Sarah24

    Posted

    Hi Sarah,

    You are welcomed smile

    No I haven't, I got infected from my husband and we are still together. I confided in a male friend of mine cause I needed to tell someone else. I was really nervous about sharing something like that and when I told him he asked me "Is that it? I thought it was something serious" and since we usually joke around he said "I'd totally have sex with you if I were interested in you that way, even knowing that you have herpes"

    I know he was being totally honest and there are also guys out there who wouldn't care about you having herpes smile

    hugs

    • Sarah24
      Sarah24 sunshine44960

      Posted

      Hello

      Yeh I don't know if all guys are as open minded tho! Really wish there wasn't such a big stigma attached because it does not affect me physically on a daily basis! Who knows what will happen lol

      Thanks

      Sarah

    • sunshine44960
      sunshine44960 Sarah24

      Posted

      Hi Sarah,

      I understand perfectly your point of view and also that of those on the receiving end of such information. Which actually means you will be the one in charge you. You will have the upper hand to decide the person you will share this information with. Of course you will have a limited group to choose from but that special person might just be in this group.

      Don't let the stigma get to you. Don't rush or feel desperate, you will find a partner and as said before he will not mind at all about the herpes

      Cheers

    • Sarah24
      Sarah24 sunshine44960

      Posted

      I hope your right! Suppose I have to think about how I would react if someone told me they had herpes I suppose if I really likes the person it wouldn't matter that's what I need to keep remembering, if he can't accept it then he's not the right person for me! I know all the facts etc from hva but I suppose there is always goin to be a risk no matter how careful you are and I think that's what I struggle with! Are you in the uk?

      Sarah x

    • sunshine44960
      sunshine44960 Sarah24

      Posted

      That is a much better way to look at it smile Yes with the facts it's much easier to keep outbreaks at bay and thus protecting also the person you are with as contamination is higher during an outbreak

      No I live in Denmark smile

  • sofaboy15
    sofaboy15 Sarah24

    Posted

    Hi everyone,

    I'm in a very similar situation and I'm not really sure how to prepare myself for telling a future partner. I contracted herpes last year from my girlfriend at the time. I never worried about it because we were together and we both had it, but she split up with me a couple of months ago. Now that I'm thinking about finding someone new, I've started to get really concerned about how herpes might affect my life, an particularly concerned about being rejected out of hand because of it.

    My doctor told me I didn't really need to tell sexual partners until I start having unprotected sex with them, because the risk of contagion when you use a condom is so small. Do you think this is right? Or should you always tell people, even if it's just a fling or a one-night stand?

    Also, my doctor told me that 1 in 6 people have herpes and I've also read that figure a lot online. So I'm hoping that I may even sometimes encounter women who already have it and therefore won't care. Is that possible or am I being too optimistic?!

    Any advice (particularly from women who can tell me about the likely female perspective on this) would be very welcome!

    • Loulou34
      Loulou34 sofaboy15

      Posted

      Hi Sofaboy,

      I think your doctor's advice isn't really good... Even when having protected sex, your sexual partner could get infected indirectly (e.g. by touching you, then touching themselves during foreplays, by going down with protection). Educate yourself well about the transmission risk (I can share some links wth you via PM as they tend to be removed from posts by the moderator) and it should help you talk with your partners and calm their potential irrational reaction.

      I understand you don't want to spoil a one-night stand with that kind of news. But I think keeping quiet is not the right thing to do and you could regret it, even though the risk of transmission is close to nil if you do it right.

      I've had a scary situation recently when I had unprotected sex with a new partner (not a one-night stand) which occured about a week after an outbreak. I was planning to tell her about my herpes but hadn't found "the right moment" yet (there is no such thing, you must just do it). Following the intercourse, the area got a bit red again so I was freaked out that I might have been wrong about the outbreak being over (turned out it was just due to friction). That really wasn't a pleasant situation and I think I'll always inform any sexual partner about it before having sex).

      I think peope react more based on how well (or badly) informed they are than based on their gender. The right person, if you also provide them with information about herpes, shouldn't reject you. My 2 (female) partners are both informed enough to realise that it's not such a big deal and that we just need to take the necessary precaution to reduce the risk to close to nil.

    • sofaboy15
      sofaboy15 Loulou34

      Posted

      Hi Loulou34,

      That's interesting to know - to be honest I didn't realise there were particular ways of reducing the chance of transmission (other than wearing protection and avoiding sex during an outbreak). Is there a way of sending links via PM on this website? If so I'd be interested to see them.

      Can I also ask, how did you tell your partners? What did you say? Have you ever had anyone walk away because of it?

      Thanks for your advice.

    • Loulou34
      Loulou34 sofaboy15

      Posted

      Hi Sofaboy15,

      Well, the main way to prevent transmission during penetrative sex remains using condoms but other things help like using lubricant (which tend to make it more difficult for the virus to latch on the non-infected partner) or using anti-viral medication (which reduce the ability of the virus to multiply)... And then, as I mentioned, previously, you should also be conscious of risk with other practice. Educating yourself about all this is key.

      I don't have so much experience with telling partners to share unfortunately. I have had herpes for just about 2 years and only had to announce it to the two partner have had since. My first outbreak happened a few months after my wife and I got together and we were sort of "in it together" since we discovered it together. My other partner is pretty educated in term of STDs (having a begnin strain of HPV herself) so it was not such a difficult talk and she was ok with it (that's the story I was telling in my earlier post).

      I suppose you might want to test the water by approaching the topic of STD's in a general discussion and see where the person stands, how well informed she/he is. From there you can maybe impart some knowledge if need be and then hope for the best when breaking the news. It's not easy but just think of how even more difficult it would be to do it after you got intimate... You're at risk of the person feeling betrayed on top of the possible difficulty he/she might have to accept your STD.

      Oh, btw, I saw there are some herpes positive dating sites, if you're into meeting people that way...

  • Sing4TheKing
    Sing4TheKing Sarah24

    Posted

    I'm to the point of being beaten and broken because of a recent rejection. I've actually had relationships with a couple of different guys that were non infected and they openly accepted that we could still have a normal relationship. Of coarse, those relationships ended for different reasons, and I'm thinking, great! Here we go again with the fear of how do I tell the next person I get involved with, and when do I tell them? I met a man that made me feel so alive. We danced and sang and acted like kids again, and we're in our early 50's. I had such an amazing time with him, but I knew we would eventually get closer and I finally couldn't keep it quiet any longer that I have GH. I did my best to explain everything, explaining the odds of getting in a vehicle and driving down the road and getting involved in a car crash are said to be greater than being intimately involved and spreading it to your partner if precautions are taken. The statistics are stiffling. I shared that with him and told him that he needs to realize how possible it is that he will encounter another woman who has it, but doesn't have the decency of telling him. I already let my guard down with him and fell head over heels in love. Unfortunately, when he heard the news, although grateful that I told him before we became intimate, he could not bring himself to take the risk. He even researched online the risks, and concluded that it wasn't worth it. He gave me the "but I still want to be friends" line. How can I love someone and want so bad to be accepted by him and remain friends, risking seeing him close to someone else. My heart is already ripped from my chest over this. I don't need any salt in my wounds! I am also about 50 lbs. overweight and having to deal with being accepted for that, on top of being accepted for having what seems to be a plague to some. I can't take anymore heartbreak from this, so I think, why even look for anyone else? Then I think...because you have an empty place in your heart that needs to be filled. I want to be loved....to feel a man's arms around me...to share my life with someone. But now, I cannot bring myself to get close to anyone...no matter how lonely I am. Giving up on love. :'(
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