Tapering off all my meds. Still intensely depressed.

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Previously I have posted, about my intense guilt, sorrow and mourning that my Bipolar directly caused. Thank you for your responses and kind words. I attend all my appoinments, been med compliant. Still in excruciating depression, everyday. I can't wait to go to bed so the sadness can be lifted while I sleep. Tired of my shXXXy mental health and not a drop of a normal life has been extended. My aspirations are gone.

I told my doc after September, I am claiming my right to die.Told her of my plan and just need the details. Scared but really relieved.

Not a believer, tried it on my knees for years.

No one answered and if Jesus was such a good guy, he would want to help people. Just my heartfelt belief. For those that believe, I am happy you have comfort.

After divulging everything to my doc for over the past month, she said I will send you for CBT. Done that before, and a workbook is not the answer. She could of tried yet another round of different meds. She is a really nice lady, but has a heavy caseload and watches the clock alot.

My support worker of a year, has not been providing scheduled times to work with me.

Continual support, eventually erodes. I did talk to her but her retorte is she is busy and people with higher needs come first. My doc didn't like her response either. Looking for a new one but here it takes over and a half to get a new case manager.

Tired, frustrated, lonely and hopless. I call the distress center every week or so I can feel like I have friends.

Anyone else out there who would like to share?

Moderator comment: I have edited this post due to the swearing. These are open forums so as per the T&Cs please do not use offensive language in posts otherwise they may be deleted.

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  • Posted

    Hi Braun Wynn,

    I just wanted to share my experience of what happened when I went off of all my meds; tappering of course.

    It was the end of 2011... my father wasn't doing well, but I didn't know that. Went to my parents for Christmas that year and when my son and I arrived, my father had a full on facemask so he could have oxygen.

    This was a disturbing site to say the least; I believe there may have been a bit of shock.

    Jan27/2012 my mom called me and told me to come and get her china- it was bought for my baptismal dinner. I asked why and didn't really get an answer.

    My parents live 2 and a half hours away from me. When I got there, my mom was in a bit of a panic. She said she need to go to the store - I wanted to go with her cuz she was scaring me, but she said I needed to stay with my dad.

    As soon as she left, my dad started talking about what a great life he had and he wouldn't change a thing. I asked him why was he telling me such things, and he said he had very little time left to live. He passed on March 03/2012...18 days before his 84th birthday. He was so happy that he had been the longest living male on his side of the family so far.

    But, before he passed, he was in the hospital for approx 12 days or more? I was a mess through the whole thing, because without my meds, I'm over sensative. Some of my siblings and their partners were referring to me as the "mental retard"

    How sad is that, adults using such word in this day and age. Shocked, but not really.

    I was all messed up off of my meds, at times I was dangerous due to my rages and was sent to emerg twice in one month. By May 2012 I couldn't take it anymore and went back on my meds...one by one.

    Ask me if I'd do that again, and the answer is a big "NO" But for some reason, I find I have to tweak my meds every now and then. The thoughts of death mean that the meds you're on are not doing their job, and you should look into that asap. I'm in that spot right now and can't wait to see my psychiatrist it get started. Oh by the way, I don't really have more than 1 friend...as I have huge trust issues which keeps me from doing a lot, but I'm working on that.

    Don't give up on you! You are very important, and don't forget that! Don't give up. Do for yourself exactly what you would do if a loved one was going through what you're going through right now! You would fight with all your might for them; be that friend to yourself.

    Best regards

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    • Posted

      That is so sad your father passed. That is very hard. I lost my mum three years back. I understand and very sorry for you and your family.

      The hairs on the back of my neck stood up when you mentioned your extended family said that disturbing thing. Disgusting for sure and sad. Its been over a year of weekly visits and trying different meds, not including the four months I was in the hospital. Yesterday, I went yet again and for the last two months my doc has seen me and she is aware of my horrific history and she knows I am so depressed.

      With yesterday's visit all she offered was a workbook on cognitive behavioural therapy. Been through this already and she might as well offered me a colouring book.

      Diagnosed at 50, I was nuts up until then. I have asked for forgivness from my dad and daughter. They speak to me but they don't want to be a part of my treatment. And I was told they like the distance between us.

      Poverty, can't work, live in a ghetto high crime area. Has really got me down. I use my supports but I am totally numb and then cry. I am ashamed and guilt ridden from my mental illness. This isn't a life, the stigma is horrible here too.

      I am very lonely and yes there is a center here too to attend. I have used it. I am ashamed because I feel like I am in a day care. Very upset with myself that I am living like this. I read alot now in my isolation. For now it relieves tension.

      You had a rough time coming off meds. I only know of two people who came off and are okay. Very angry that I am ill since sixteen and not diagnosed. I had a very ill life and amounted to nothing. Have nothing. Just really tired.

      Thanks for your sharing and your encouragement. Mental illness is worse than any physical aliment. I told my doc I would rather have cancer and he said one of his patients has both. And that his patient said he prefers his cancer over his mental illness.

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  • Posted

    Braun

    You need to searh for diversions away from your Depression, to consider the need to commit suicide over and over again will just make you more depressed by dwelling on your fears oncerns and the associated depression. 

    In the past I was like you and I did try and end my life all came to nought and I ended up in a A and E hospital being brought back to the living. The attitude of the Medical Profession was not what was expected and I understood the only person I was hurting was my family and Wife, What I found was my actions had acted as a form of blackmail, where my Wife would start looking after my medications and still hides them from me and hands them out as was prescribed.

    Now I am watched even when my attempt occured over ten years ago ???, I spend my time calming her when really bad and now I undestand I lost a great deal of trust with those around me. So much so We moved to a new area under the premis of getting away from a hurtfull family.

    If you feel lonely ask your GP or CPN if there is a Mental Health Day Centre in your area, if there is one go for it. You will meet many there with some conditions worse than you have. You may also get some talking therapy and also people who understand what you are going through will help you come to terms with your problems

    Address your concerns and try to handle your fears and concerns, look for activities that will divert those negative thoughts to something more in keeping to a happyier time.

    When ill or suicidal call NHS Helpline tel111 and explain your fears and concerns. they can send out the Crisis Team or advice you on how to move onto a more positive outlook in life.

    What has caused your Depression ?

    BOB

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    • Posted

      Morning Borderriever.

      Were you in a manic episode when you attempted suicide? Your family around are close to you and not very distance, is what I think. They love you and show it by taking care of you. Truly wonderful.

      Been sick since I was sixteen but not diagnosed . until fifty, was diagnosed and saw how many things and people I have hurt.

      Shame, gulit its there like brushing my teeth. Counselling you name it. The more doors that have closed. On my once percived personal aspirations are providing me with only mental health institutional. Programs. Trust me no life.and I dont have family support. Thank you very much for sharing your sensitive information. Keep Well

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  • Posted

    How old are you have you run out of friends the people best off spend all their time amusing themselves watching tv or reading
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    • Posted

      My grandfather who was a kind man a war veteran, in response to your remark, " He would of kindly reminded you to say nothing at all if you have nothing helpful to say".

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