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Hey guys, I'm going to tell you guys about what happened to me in the last few days. It's a decision I might regret for the rest of my life, but I had to do it due to my terrible health and social anxiety.
Ok so about 2 months ago, I applied for teaching English in Japan and ended up getting a job. I arrived to Tokyo 3 days ago and had to report to the company. Now keep in kind that I haven been having terrible social anxiety disorder all my life,
Just yesterday, when I had to finally report to the company, I had some kind of panic attack, afraid of doing the teaching job and felt like I should avoid it if possible. This also has to do a lot with my physical health issues, as I have been suffering from blepharitis (dry and irritating eye condition) and tinnitus (ringing noise in my ears), and I also feel dizzy and faigue very easily when not getting enough nutrition.
I was so afraid that my health may deteriorate further and definitelty didn't want that happen.
Wth all these things combined, I had some kind of panic attack and wanted to kill myself for being so stupid and accepting the job even with my terrible health issues.
I thought that I should stay home and try to take care of my health rather than having a job in Japan. I even thought that if I stay in Japan, it may even lead me to a suicide.
So I bought myself a plane ticket and will be going back to America in few days. I have not notified the company yet, as I'm planning to do it in few hours.
I'm such a dimwit for accepting the job when I knew this was probably going to happen. I lied to myself that I can over come my social anxiety and health issues and can still live in Japan alone, and this is the consequence that I get.
I ended up wasting thousands of dollars just for this. And my parents supported all this money even though they have debt on the credit cards. They wanted me to succeed in Japan, but I ended up making the situation as bad as possible.
Now I'm afraid of getting any kind of job. If I can't achieve a job in Japan, then I won't be able to achieve a job in America, either.
I just feel like my family's better off without me. I keep making things worse and feel like I'm a burden to them. I don't know what to do anymore. I am going back to America. That is for sure and I'm not changing that. But what would I be doing once I get back to America?
Honestly now I have even bigger anxiety of doing any kind of job. Feels like I will give up again, just like what happened here in Japan.
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