thanatophobia - the anxiety went away but the thoughts are still there

hi! I'm 17, and I have had the worst obsession with death over the past month and a half.

I had my first panic attack sometime in December 2017, not triggered, I didn't know what it was at the time and I thought I was dying.

that passed but then I was mentally disturbed for quite a while, that panic attack had been the first time I'd taken death seriously, more like the first time I acknowledged the fact that I would die someday.

I was fine for a while but then another week full of panic attacks happened in January, I went to the DR to get it checked I was told I was completely fine, back at home when I took to Google because I wasn't convinced I was fine did I find out it was a panic atta k

i got me into reading again I felt fine for a while but then a dissociation episode in February (didn't know what this was either) threw me off completely and the panic attacks came back (none of these was as bad as the first).

I then became convinced that i was going to die and that it was going to happen her soon.

my grandmother passed away in March due to chronic illness.

in the days before her demise I dreaded going to visit her because it brought up the thoughts

my school mock exams were in March and while planing my studies for that I had the thought "I might want to leave some days free because of grandma"

I freaked out at that thought but then that's exactly what happened

after her death my mind has been a mess

I haven't even properly mourned her loss because my mind is so preoccupied with the thoughts of my own death. it's awful

every night I went to bed with thought that I was going to die in my sleep and my first thought when I woke up was "oh I'm alive"

I was so convinced I wouldn't make it to next week and then to the end of the month

the thoughts got worse (I don't know if I can call them intrusive thoughts) if I would be doing anything with my sister's my mind would go "they're going to miss playing with you" if they wanted me to do something that I didn't want to it would go "lets just do it you're not going to be here for long anyways" we're going to be moving in the summer (this isn't the reason for stress even though it sucks, I can assure you we move alot) when my mother plans about that and I picture the next house and moving I naturally don't picture me with them - these kind of effortless and matter-of-fact thoughts are the absolute worse

then come the pictures that pop up into my head - I've unwantedly imagined my funeral my face when I'm dead (all the while blinking to remove the image from my head)

this has gotten worse over time, my conviction has somehow grown, I've googled so much about it, I don't think it falls directly under fear of death ocd, and over time the anxiety has faded away and now all I get is the thoughts that have convinced me so much

these thoughts are my entire day from the moment I wake up till I go to bed, i want to sleep all the time to avoid them

I fear death immensely, at one point throughout all of this I thought "maybe death won't be that bad" I warmed up to the idea of not living until I became too comfortable with it it's like I lived just to die I didn't care about anything that was happening around me (this lasted only about 2 days until I freaked out about not freaking out about death)

I read somewhere that certain people know before they die and then I couldn't place all of this under any specific mental disorder and that strengthened the conviction that I'm going to die very soon

I met with a doctor and I got prescribed Inderal (10mg for a day), today is the first day I took it, the anxiety is on the low but the thoughts are still there

I don't know what to do, all of this has impaired my ability to think about anything else at all or do anything I have my A levels exams in 4 days and I'm convinced somehow that I won't ever get to give the exams

I haven't met with a mental health physician yet and I don't think I'll be able to until my exams are over (that's about a month)

has anyone ever felt this way? does it go away?

if you read through this whole thing I appreciate it so so much

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