The end of a shadow

I met someone when I was 15 and fell in love. Never saw her again and always have loved her. I’ve had lots of ‘loves’ over the years, lived with several girls and tried hard to be committed. But have always been looking for her, in every face. I’ve prayed to be with her everyday. She truly is the love of my life. She has become a core part of my faith in life itself.

In the end those relationships end because they are not her and often I am unfaithful (although the partner never knows). I am 54 this month and when I got to 40 I started another relationship and when I was 45 I gave up all hope of ever finding her and got married to a really beautiful incredibly kind and loving girl, who I believed I loved. I do in many ways. We don’t have sex as I have no interest with her and have had several affairs and currently see someone every few months for a day. People all see me as a very caring and attentive man but I am cruel to my wife because I’m a shadow of a man.

Xmas 2016 I found the love of my life on Facebook and made contact. She and I are in daily contact via Facebook posts but not more than friends (as I’m married and the woman in question isn’t really keen to develop things). My life has totally crashed. Now I know I can’t live without her in my life yet I’m not going to be free to marry her, even if I she would allow me to date her which is not certain. Without her I am nothing and my life has no meaning, never has. I have been looking for her in every face throughout my life. I have prayed my whole life to meet her again, to give my love to her, to share and explore together.

I have for several years hated my job. I work as a contractor in technology and earn great money but each year my tax debt grows despite my desire to deal with it. It’s about 50,000 Sterling. I think of my career and it disgusts me and turns my stomach, I’ve been utterly bored of it for 10 years or more. Im trapped in the most dull career as I’ve done it over and over for decades.

I have also had serious back injuries that have meant I can’t get out and do sport, swim, walk etc reliably. I have had two operations in three years and still have significant daily leg and back pain.

I have seriously considered killing myself as my future seems less than futile, miserable and only filled with pain. At the same time my life is hugely depressing my wife and I can’t tell her why. I tried to do that in 2016 but that hurt her so badly that I ended up lying to try to make it easier for her. She doesn’t have any means or local family to fall back on.

I am deeply unhappy with everything in my life.

I can’t see any purpose to my future at all, I’m only alive when I’m near my love. This Christmas she has just been dumped by a man she loves. I’ve seen her three times before Christmas to help her. She knows I love her as I tell her (and have for two years) but she’s obviously hurting for her lost love.

I look to 2019 and think I don’t want to go on. I don’t want to lose her, I don’t want to kill myself but it’s an option (I’ve been looking at helium and exit bags), but I see nothing ahead of any value.

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