The honeymoon is over

Posted , 6 users are following.

My situation is a bit more complex than the usual complaint about waining romance. 

After 10 months together, my husband and I got married. We've been married for 3 months.

2 Weeks after we said I do, he was diagnosed with incuable cancer. 

I went from being a new bride to a caregiver over night.

He is in the early stages. We are starting to get a handle on it and form a plan. We've been navigating the insurance maze and consumed with this new and scary situation.

We've both been on edge quite a bit.

To compound the situation, he has ADHD. And uses this as an excuse for bad behavior, lack of fucus and lashing out.

We are both driven by our emotions. I try not to take his lashing out personally but it IS taking a toll on me!

I feel like a punching bag! I feel unappreciated and saddened by the fact that the romance and happiness we shared while dating is practially gone.

I find myself walking on eggshells. Having to be sensative to his condition and temperment all the time.

I feel I am between a rock and a hard place. As the wife of man with cancer, I will ALWAYS be the bad guy and in the wrong if I stand up to his verbal abuse. Which I have and it has never ended well.

It has come to the point where I am not sure I even love him anymore.

Our last disagreement, 2 nights ago,  ended with him calling me a bitch, telling me to kiss his ass and leaving.

He came back 2 hours later and would not talk to me.

I apologized for my part of the incident. 

He did not apologize.

The next day the tension was still thick. 

He seems to be moving past it now, but I can't!

The moment he walked out I switched off. Going into emotional self preservation mode, I guess.

He says he loves me, just like he always does. But I can't bring myself to say it back.

I've even found myself entertaining the idea that he won't be alive for many more years and I will be released from this no win situation.

This is AWEFUL! I know! 

He is a good man! with a huge heart! I know he is scared and overwhelmed. And so am I.

I just feel heavy hearted and hopless. sad

1 like, 4 replies

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4 Replies

  • Posted

    If he has years left perhaps a little time apart go back to dating each other try and have fun together again he has got to be so scared I just couldn't imagine knowing that time will be up long before it ever should be I know he is lashing out at you you could just walk away and lwt him get on with it or go see your gp get some couples counseling things will only get worse if you dont stop it early but you both would have to agree you could have some really happy times being married do you and hom really want to end it like that it also sounds like he needs to come to terms with his condition amd accept it but he can be so happy before the inevitable happens but only if he finds a way because I wouldn't want to pass away with a new wife that hated me id rather leave people smiling 

    hope ive given you something to think about 

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  • Posted

    I am very sorry for your situation linda but this is a depression site.  Have you put it in the wrong place?  I am not sure we can be of much help here.  
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  • Posted

    Iam so sorry that in your early years of marriage life that one expect to find out one has Cancer, it would be a hard to handle.

    You can only try your best and hopefully your husband will know that you really do love him.

    You can get helf from the cancer people, they will help

    Best of wish two you both. Love you both. Alexander.

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  • Posted

    Oh dear, I am so sorry for your loss, it is a great loss to have a romance turn to such a condition. Acknowledge that it is a Very depressing situation. But there is hope and steps to take. I know, after being married just 8 months my husband was diagnosed with a rare disorder that reduced his life expectancy with monthly chemo treatment to 5years. He can be terribly harsh. I walk on eggshells trying to be a good wife and care for him emotionally but i am falling apart. My father passed away recently, then we moved to a simpler place he dreamed he could be to live out his life but it put me further from my friends.  I try to have fun with him, but the verbal games are so hard. I do try to stick up for myself more but am afraid to say how i really feel because when i have he makes it so hard. I do love him but sometimes now knowing he has such a harsh side to him I am am so sad. I remind myself often he has a great loving side and is a good man going thru a difficult time.It is difficult to plan y future and i feel I am betraying him to think about what i will do alone, but we must make realistic plans. I have tried to concentrate on having a healthy diet, exercise often and care for myself so i don't become more depressed. I started to going to church to make some new friends in my new spot, all these things to get a new lease on life for myself. I think it is so important to give yourself the best self care possible, even overboard, bc his health has been the focus and if you don't pay attention you will lose some of your own vitality. I gained weight and finally noticed, shape up or else!  We only have one life to live so, love your self . Reach out to friends, strengthen and make new ones and talk to those who love you often for encouragement. Depression is scary and as we think so we go, keep a list of positives fresh in your mind, develope this list daily. Talk to your GP if the depression makes you stay in bed or cry alot. Stay in touch with a good circle of support, you are not alone. If he wants to get support encourage it, if not, do take care of yourself very well.
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