The "Perpetrators"

Hello, I'm hoping I'm not upsetting anyone, I'm thinking about the "thing" that has given me my one life that we all have, made my life a sad misery every day, the person has passed on about 20 yrs now, and haunted me from my memory says 5-6 yrs old upto 13-14 yrs old, when I started running away in the early 1980's, that was a hard time for me back then, but now 35 years later and I'm still suffering because one pervert, paedophile wanted to do what he wanted, obviously not thinking about any effects it could have in the future ""now", after I left the house, I led a bad life, drugs, alcohol, violence, prison, till I was about 30-32, then I calmed down a bit, matured, my relationship's always ended as I always had issues, "flashbacks, nightmares, panic-attacks,"", and I didn't always tell all my girlfriend's unless I thought we'd be together forever, so some girls, ladies, must have thought I was proper messed up, as back a bit I was ashamed to talk about what happened to me, as I'm supposed to be a man, and able to handle this stuff, I admit, I can't handle my past, but it took me a while before I realized I had to tell someone professionally, that was about 10 years ago I started to talk to a nice Doctor, then they kept changing doctors, so I wasn't explaining my shame and embarrassment to different doctors every 2-4 weeks, One of my main thoughts on waking Every day is why didn't someone tell me that the "pervert" was in hospital for 2 weeks before he died, I can't get this out of my head, as I was so scared of this huge 20stone Irish man as a child, but him lying in a Hospital bed I think about every day what I could, would have done to him, I've thought over the years of some wicked things, but would I be as low as him then?? I wouldn't have done anything like he did to me, I'm talking torture, slow pain, I received physical, mental, sexual, and a life of terror till I ran away, every day, I talked to a family member secretly as a kid, and she phoned the social services, they come to see me at school, asked me questions, which I lied to, as I was so scared to go back to house after talking to them, why didn't they just take me away, there and then, but I was about 11-12 then, so already had most of my misery upon me by then . Everyone always was saying, ""oh he's a brilliant fella, he'll help anyone," I remember thinking No-one knows what he's really like, I just thinking how many of them have got away with it??, He's dead, and I'm living a miserable state, I wonder why ME? a lot, is there so many pervs, I bet there is and we just don't know

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