The Push me Pull me of Depression

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The husband has signs of clinical/major depression, he left 8 months ago to live alone to control his food, shopping and cleaning.  We have respected his decision and given him the space he needed.  All of this has resulted from his job/work, stress, pressure and bullying in the workplace. 

Whilst we have been sympathetic and supportive he has refused treatment and pushed us all away. 

So far everything has been his way, our daughter has been made ill as a result of this, as much as we all love him we ant to move away and get on with our lives, we only ever moved for his job.

He has started to sort finances/divorce via a solicitor as a result of which I have had to engage the services of a soliciotr to protect the kids and myself.  My solicotr wrote to him 3 weeks ago and no response?  It would appear he is now dragging his feet and I feel very much pushed and pulled, does anyone have expereince of this?

We are unsure if he is off work long term sick, has quit or been pushed to go, we are now in a position where we are facing reposession and bancruptcy whch for someone who is normally very intelligent and a Business Consultant very odd?

Any help would be appreciated.


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8 Replies

  • Posted

    I empathize for you, depression  is a horrible thing and does break up marriages, I am pleased to see you have been sympathetic and supportive especially.

    What I would say is whilst you want to get away just stop and think carefully about a few things.

    1. Is comepletely removing him from your daughters life wise, after all he is her father ?

    2. I cant say if divorce is right or wrong cause I dont understand the extent of the situation but if it is that bad ( from what I can make out ) dont be tempted to run your husband in to the ground, if it makes sense an empathetic reason for divorce is better than one that will hurt your husband and maybe push him over the edge.

    The hardest thing for everyone is understanding depression and alot of people have it in different ways and it effect them to different extremes. there is no right or wrong answer in this and only you can do what you feel is best as you have all the reason why you had to go that route.

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    • Posted

      Thanks for your reply.  He seems to have given up on everything and although he is now lviing this solitary life he has said he's not happy.  We had been together 34 years and all of this is down to his job.  I've tried telling him over the past few years to make his work lidfe balance better for him, go out with his friends and do something he wanted to do that he would enjoy all of which has fallen on deaf ears.

      Our daughter doesn't want anything to do with him, her choice, he didn't conact her after an operation to see how she was doing likewise he has not asked how my cancer treatment went.  At the suggestion of her counsellor she emailed him and told him how it has affected her he didn't even acknowledge her feelings or the impact it has had on her, she is totally screwed up, he is totally oblivious to anyone elses needs or feelings only his own. 

      He's said he loves me then he doens't know, said he could never let me go, don't wait for him to get better, then says he's not ill?  Doens't want to hold me back, why would someone attractive like me have been interested in him?  I've never run him into the ground, I've had MH issues myself so know how hard it is, the difference is I got help and he won't.  We have done all we can, he had some counselling and gave up on it, refuses meds and thinks he can deal with this on his own, in 18 months he's tried he's worse he now has anxiety attacks, the couples counsellor said he can't see or won't admit he has a problem.  Sadly we have to wait until he hits rock bottom which won't be good for any of us.

      He's scared of the house as he assoiciates it with the bad year he's had at work, a bad symbol, internet not working and a flood.

      Told me e had paid rainbows to kill me, bought a tool kit in the lounge so he could see it and the need to livea lone to control, food, cleaning and shopping and the guy who bullied him at work has now come out of the box, none of this is normal behavhiour for him.  Unofficial symptoms of depression if you google show sudden reference to separation and divorce. 

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    • Posted


      Well I think from what your doing that perhaps its the right thing. The key here I think is he wont get help, I have lost my marriage due to depression but the difference is I am sorting my illness head on, seems your husband has just buried his head in the sand.

      Whilst I can understand your pain of going thru a divorce  and teh fact likeme you in teh past have address your depression. It seem your husband doesnt realise what he is doing. I think the best thing you can do is let some one in authority know of the threats made on you. It might just get him into the care system quicker if he already isnt seeing his GP.


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    • Posted

      He's divorcing me, not me divorcing him.  Despite doing him doing this I'm still trying to convince myself he is ill and doesn't know what he's doing.  His solicitor is now becoming suspicious and my solicitor knows he has MH issues but if someone sits in front of a solcitor and states they're in their right mind they can't prove otherwise.

      He almost lost us the sale of our cottage, didn't put enought postage on which resulted in another contract being issued and almost a 5k fine!  The husband is an Accountant, works for a MH Trust, managed a 60 million budget and is unable to make decisions about anything.  He is suposed to be setting up a company but in Jan said he was worried about getting another job?  Has admitted as a result of the work place bullying he is now unable to do relationships, they are no cold, distant and superficial so how's he going to run a business?  He said he's had a pay of of less than 25k but has debts of 40k?  These are not the actions of someone who is supposed to be highly intelligent.

      Even the counsellor has said he's burying his head in the sand, he didn't like the counselling as he had to talk about things he didn't want to.

      Contacted the GP who suggested reporting his dangerous driving to the police nothing anyone can do until he says he needs help, the MH Act is useless.  MH team will assess him but none of us know where he's living, he said he doesn;t want us to know as it's all about control.

      Thanks for you kind words and support.

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    • Posted

      Really sorry to hear this, this is the type of thing your MP should bring to the attention of the government. The police do not like having to pick up mental health patients, despite in case of serious health issues they are the first line of support as they have powers of arrest whilst an ambulance crew are not trained to restrain and are not allowed hold a patient against their will ( and dont have enough statff on board the ambulance ) to deal with mental health patients. There are no such things as the men in white coats either so you have a society that just is not clued up for this disease, and its becoming more and more predominent in the communities espcially with work pressure, family money pressures and the crunch.

      We havent even touched the poor victims like yourself who are not supported that well. 


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    • Posted

      We had this discussion at the MH cares support group I go to, seems like a no win sitution nothing anyone can do until the situation is life threatening.  Having said that someone I know had to to talk down a friend's husband who was threatening to kill himself with a knife, no one came out and his issues were related to stress at work.

      Luckily forums exist and good people like yourself but depression is now hitting epidemic proportions.  I know I am stronger as a result of going through MH issues myself.

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  • Posted

    Jackie I am very sorry that thru the course of events in UR life that u have to go thru this. It's heart breaking. Someone that depressed is not necessarily mentally stable or mature to respond in appropiate ways. Perhaps other legal steps can be made. I am speculating that he is not corporating and perhaps there is a chance to legally prove he is unstable and then find out what other legal actions are available to u. 

    This is a difficult issue and u sound smart and logical. I wish u all the support in the world.

    Legally I know u have many alternatives to do what u need to move on in UR life. He abandoned u and UR daughter he left no matter the excuse...errr reason.i want to be alone?.. Lier.... He is a jerk....

    so you give em the best shot u have and life will move on for u and UR daughter. What a lame brain he is to cause this much pain to his own family... Unforgivable !

    Peace, Luv & Laughter

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    • Posted

      Hi Realliy apparecaite your support.  Found out yesterday his employers have got him to sign a gaggin orde so he can't disclose why he has left, this is definitely out of character. Have contacted the MH crisi team who advise I contact our GP again who can now do a home visit whether he will accept any form of treatment is another matter.

      Kids have cut off all contact they can't deal with him or his behaviour, I'm not the only one going through this, this is an epidemic many millions of people whose partners won't seek help.  Knowing him he has upushed us away to avoid huritng us he is now only hurting himself as the kids and myself are distancing ourselves from what has fast become a car crash in slow motion! 

      He's said all sorts of s**t like, doesn't want to hurt me, thinks he's not worthy of me, I'm better off without him, said he's better off living alone then emailed me to say he's not mad just unhappy.  He will never be happy until he deal with this, guess he has to reach a crisis before he realises.  I did suggest power of attorney but he lashed out in one of his rational moments and said it was not helpfull, the only way back for a better pay off from his job is to obtain psychiatric evidence which will prove he is unwell and was when he signed his employers have known he has had depression since last Jnuary so they've taken full advantage!  Our son said he's acting like a dick think that might be the equivilant of Jerk?  Many thanks for your kind words and support.  Jx

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