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Abstinence...is scary. I've had some tough days...filled with panic and anxiety over sometimes NOTHING. It brings me back to remembering how easy it is to go up the street an grab some alcohol...and make it all go away.
The only problem that i know of...is that after I drink...anxiety and panic come back 100X worse. But, dealing with emotion...or lack of emotion...or just dealing with people and life in general is a really tough job.
I had my sister over for a couple days...the 2nd day..was the toughest. I found it hard to communicate....wanted to "escape" some of the problems we share...and some that are each of our own.
We have a holiday coming up...the phone is ringing with everyone wanting me to make a decision as to what i am doing 3 weeks from now...Immediate pressure and anxiety. SO i had to decide NOT to decide right now.
All of the answers I get in return are "Well, we need a # for the table". Well, my new approach is to say than count me out because I CAN NOT commit to ANYTHING.
I explained to my Dad today that many things have changed in our lives after the first 20 years (as the kids were growing up). It used to be the same thing every year...but since I've divorced and kids are grown...everyone is scattered and I always feel like it is ME that has to adjust to meet everyones needs. BUT, that is something I PUT ON MYSELF,
Now I have to have boundaries if I am to stay sober.
To keep my sanity...I have to make boundaries. Instead of how I used to be...saying YES to everyone and everything...I now STOP and say wait...I'm not sure.
What i need to get better at is saying how I feel or what my plans and boundaries are nicely and not acting like a frazzled mess.
For each new decision or problem that comes along...I need to step back....and THINK before providing answers.
With alcohol I just AVOIDED. I never would go to holidays...but now..I have a choice...and I don't have to totally avoid...but I don't have to please everyone anymore either.
I have to come first...better yet...sobriety has to come first....and if it doesn't...I don't have a chance.
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