The Real World and Boundaries

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Abstinence...is scary.  I've had some tough days...filled with panic and anxiety over sometimes NOTHING.  It brings me back to remembering how easy it is to go up the street an grab some alcohol...and make it all go away.

​The only problem that i know of...is that after I drink...anxiety and panic come back 100X worse. But, dealing with emotion...or lack of emotion...or just dealing with people and life in general is a really tough job.

​I had my sister over for a couple days...the 2nd day..was the toughest.  I found it hard to communicate....wanted to "escape" some of the problems we share...and some that are each of our own.

​We have a holiday coming up...the phone is ringing with everyone wanting me to make a decision as to what i am doing 3 weeks from now...Immediate pressure and anxiety.  SO i had to decide NOT to decide right now.

All of the answers I get in return are "Well, we need a # for the table".  Well, my new approach is to say than count me out because I CAN NOT commit to ANYTHING.

​I explained to my Dad today that many things have changed in our lives after the first 20 years (as the kids were growing up).  It used to be the same thing every year...but since I've divorced and kids are grown...everyone is scattered and I always feel like it is ME that has to adjust to meet everyones needs.  BUT, that is something I PUT ON MYSELF,

Now I have to have boundaries if I am to stay sober.

​To keep my sanity...I have to make boundaries.  Instead of how I used to be...saying YES to everyone and everything...I now STOP and say wait...I'm not sure. 

​What i need to get better at is saying how I feel or what my plans and boundaries are nicely and not acting like a frazzled mess. 

​For each new decision or problem that comes along...I need to step back....and THINK before providing answers. 

​With alcohol I just AVOIDED.  I never would go to holidays...but now..I have a choice...and I don't have to totally avoid...but I don't have to please everyone anymore either.

​I have to come first...better yet...sobriety has to come first....and if it doesn't...I don't have a chance.

 

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  • Posted

    With abstinence, don't put yourself in situations where you will be severely tempted to drink. It is unpleasant and puts you in a diffcult situation. I tend to avoid friends, because if I go and have a chat, it will be at the end of the conversation - 'c'mon then, let's go and have a couple down the road'.

    I shall be watching the rugby tomorrow, the guys will be watching down the pub, the wife will be working, so it will just be me and the dog watching it at home. But even though there will be alcohol in the house (my wife still drinks), because I am not put in that situation, where it would be the norm to drink, I don't feel any compulsion.

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    • Posted

      My struggles really don't stem from being around others or "peer" pressure or "pub" pressure...they stem more from the internal struggles I have with guilt...concerning...everything I have or haven't done in the past...and every decision I have to make in sobriety. 

      ​It seems everything I've ever done...comes pouring back over me after a few weeks of sobriety.  And it seems every decision big or small in sobriety is way too overwhelming for me. sad 

       

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    • Posted

      But, like you alot of people...are making good choices to not go to a "pub" when they know they will have pressure.  And I have also been in some situations that include drinking that I know I am better off avoiding.

       

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  • Posted

    ) Hi Misssy2,

    I'm impressed with your views and most of your actions. I've been there myself.

    it is best not to be a people pleaser. Never say 'yes' when you mean 'no'

    I learned that alcohol is to be respected and not feared. It is poison.

    I really like your post, it shows so much common sense.

    Best Wishes, Colin.

     

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  • Posted

    ) Hi again, I also like RHGB's post. Sometimes I do go out with drinkers; I'm never tempted to drink and I know when it's time to go home. I would rather watch rugby too than sit in a pub or bar drinking coke all night and listening to a load of rubbish when most others get drunk.

    I have drink at home for friends, visitors and business colleagues. I never think about it; it's all poison to me but some people who visit like it. Not a problem.

     

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  • Posted

    Hi Misssy2, A lot of what you're saying sounds like good "life hygiene" to me, regardless of whether there's alcohol involved or not. I made that same decision to stop being pulled every which way by others when I was in my mid-30s (about 10 years before I started drinking heavily). At the same time I had a look at a lot of my "friendships" and realised I had nothing in common with these people, and was simply meeting up with them for form's sake. Some nights I'd sit there with the gang and feel incredibly lonely. I never really cracked the family problem - always a tough one - but after that I scaled back my circle of friends to people who really meant something to me, and who didn't try to pressure me into doing things I didn't want to.

    My heavy drinking started 10 years later, partly as the result of a demanding job and also due to the realisation that I was going to be solely responsible for my anxious, needy mother for the rest of her life after my father died when I was 43. After a few years I managed to scale back the drinking to much safer (though still too-high) levels without any external help. Looking back now, I think that if I'd still been in that same mind-set of letting others rule my life at the time my drinking started spiralling out of control, the results might have been very different.

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  • Posted

    That is very good progress, keep it up Missy, its good for one to be able to yes no to things, l am happy for u Missy.
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