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The saying "no" guilt

Posted , 4 users are following.

Pops_grandma
Pops_grandma

I'm privileged to be grandma to two beautiful granddaughters age 3 & 1. Most weeks whilst mum works I look after them for 2/4 times per week, cloth feed play in/out car do chores for daughter etc etc. I'm 49 this year and have psoriatic arthritis, fibromyalgia and the menopause (lucky me) , but take today for instance, I'm having them round for tea post their family weekend away and got asked to have the baby while the eldest was at nursery. Feeling particularly pants after an increase in my methotrexate, I said no, couldn't cope with her and cook roast meal for six, the reply.........ok........!!!!! Just ok !!! So now the afternoon is spent not only feeling ill but guilty to.........am I alone in this, do I have "mug" tattooed on my forehead, frown

1 like, 17 replies

17 Replies

  • mrsmop
    mrsmop Pops_grandma

    Posted

    I used to drive hundreds of miles to look after my grandsons and take them out and about but since I have been on MTX, I just cannot do it any longer.  To begin with, I felt that it was thought that I should 'pull my socks up' and get on with it because there were a lot of people who were worse off than I am.  Whilst this may be true,  I just cannot do these things any longer.

    I was once told that our children don't believe we are not immortal and we get old/er and can no longer do the things we used to do.

    Don't feel guilty, perhaps your daughter will feel guilty herself.

     

  • Pops_grandma
    Pops_grandma

    Posted

    I know that feeling so well, but my socks are unable to stretch any more. And I agree that our children think whe are infinite !!!! I hate to moan, but I do feel that my plea of not feeling well enough often falls on deaf ears, you know, the ones that don't actually want to hear !!
  • mrsmop
    mrsmop Pops_grandma

    Posted

    I know!  I gave my family a copy of the ins and outs of MTX, that my Dermatologist gave me and that was when I was reminded of someone who had Breast Cancer - I haven't bothered since.  I am not going to be drawn into arguments. 

     

    • Pops_grandma
      Pops_grandma mrsmop

      Posted

      Oh gosh yes, I sometimes feel it's a competition to see who feels worse !!!!
  • Lisa_Batts
    Lisa_Batts Pops_grandma

    Posted

    Saying no is one of the hardest things to do but we have to because otherwise our health suffers. Perhaps your daughter needs to be more understanding. Mrs Mop is right though. My treatment of MTX etc gets pushed aside because my brother had cancer (all clear now) and the MTX is 'nothing like chemo.... Actually although lower grade it is similar but without the support. Don't get me wrong I am grateful I don't have cancer but it is just as scary. My family never phone to see how I am and although I showed them the MTX leaflets and explained it doesn't seem to be a big deal. Learn to say no and suggest that your daughter sits down with you and reads some threads on this site maybe? You do not need to feel guilt on top of everything else you are going through and nobody should make you feel like that.
    • Pops_grandma
      Pops_grandma Lisa_Batts

      Posted

      What we do have is a life long chronic illness, but I agree, I very rarely am asked, my mum takes MTX and sails along with no side affects, her answer is always, well I'm fine you should be too !!! I only found this site days ago and I feel I've done nothing but moan, but I know fellow sufferers get it xxx
    • mrsmop
      mrsmop Lisa_Batts

      Posted

      Gosh Lisa, that's awful.  Would people prefer it if we had a higher dose and were obviously taking a chemo drug?

      And Pops Grandma,  I was referred to a MaxFax surgeon last year and when I had to telephone for an appt., the nurse I spoke to asked all the ususal questions and when I said I was on MTX, she told me she had been taking it for 20 years, for RA, with no bad side effects.  I know there are people  who can take it without a problem but then there are others who can't.

      Lisa, don't you think that perhaps with your parents, they are of that generation who just 'got on with it'?  Typical stoic British person!

      I get fed up with being asked how I am, when the person just doesn't really want to know.  With some people, I just answer 'yes' and they don't even notice!  That tells me that they aren't interested, or they can't cope with my reply.

       

    • Lisa_Batts
      Lisa_Batts mrsmop

      Posted

      I think you are right Mrs Mop (btw I have an e mail to respond to!) I think it may be their generation. I have noticed lately that as my mum is getting older she is getting forgetful and I have to learn patience with her. My Dad is more understanding but also says 'you are so strong Lisa you will get through this'. On the basis of pops Grandma I actually had a talk with them yesterday and my Dad certainly listened. I think he may have talked to mum last night because for the first time in ages we spoke on the phone today and she said she understands and we haven't talked like that for ages. It was lovely 😊😊☀️☀️ Xx
    • mrsmop
      mrsmop Lisa_Batts

      Posted

      That's good news then Lisa.

      Is your mum aware that she is becoming forgetful?  That must be worrying for her if she is.

       

    • Lisa_Batts
      Lisa_Batts mrsmop

      Posted

      I think she is to an extent. She has had mental health problems such as anxiety, depression, eating disorder and I just thing as she is getting old she is reverting back to it all. It was so lovely speaking with her today. She was just like my old mum. I just got an e mail from dad saying he had a long talk with her last night 👴💖 love my dad 😊 xx
    • Lisa_Batts
      Lisa_Batts Pops_grandma

      Posted

      Bless you. That is one of the great things about this forum. Sometimes somebody else has the same problem as you do and you give advice and then realise that you are not doing that very thing yourself 😊
  • Pops_grandma
    Pops_grandma

    Posted

    I don't think anybody who does not have persistent pain, mind numbing fatigue, then insomnia plus all our other MTX joys could understand. Try explaining the affects of injecting yourself with a chemo type drug weekly, you can see the eyes glaze over !!! I am getting better at saying no thou x
    • Lisa_Batts
      Lisa_Batts Pops_grandma

      Posted

      Good for you. My mum phoned in the middle of that and because I was in the moment from your message I said to her 'you don't seem to try to understand how bad this gets'. She had to go though because her dinner was ready. I got really emotional and then I felt bad. My parents are in their 70's. Luckily I have a true friend (a rare find these days) and she is amazing. She has not only looked all this up but has also given me advice which has helped so really I am blessed 😇 every cloud
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