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I found this site by accident and alot of what has been written resonates with me. I am married and have a 22 yr old son with disabilities. I am also 50 yrs old.
I have spent my entire life looking after people. Up until i got married (at 22) i was under the thumb of physical and emotionally abusive parents. Once my brother turned 18 he basically told them to fk off. Who do you think got the blame? I had my son at 28- 8 months later my brother took off and i was left to clean up the mess. The following yr my dad had a heart attack (he survived and thankfully i finally had a dad, not a father. He truly became my rock and best friend). My son was labelled with intellectual disabilities. My father in law died from motor neurone disease. My mother had a complete psychotic break. My brother committed crimes (i was so lucky my dad never found out. I had to lie to him ALL the time). My dad died in 2009. My mother and my brother turned their backs on me. My credit is shot - to try an explain THAT would take hours. My husband and i struggled for money for yrs. And to top it off, he nearly died several months ago. All this has been happening from 1990 to this day.
Now, my son has a bad cold and i am in TEARS. i feel so alone. I can honestly say that if i wasn't scared of the pain, that i would end it. There really is no future for me. If i died tomorrow, i know that i have made no impact on this world. I have had zero career. I have zero money. I sit at home watching tv on my own. Zero motivation. I wouldn't even bother showering if i didnt have to. I do make an effort for my husband's sake because I don't want to worry him. He is a good man but the one thing he lacks is empathy. It's too late to change that.
Many times I think of my dad. How my life has changed COMPLETELY with out him. Wondering whether or not i would see him again if i offed myself.
I havent been diagnosed with anything because I have not told doctors anything. The only way i will be happy is if i wake up one morning with no memory of anyone and started again. Sorry for my rants.
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