There's no point to living anymore.

Posted , 7 users are following.

I found this site by accident and alot of what has been written resonates with me. I am married and have a 22 yr old son with disabilities. I am also 50 yrs old.

I have spent my entire life looking after people. Up until i got married (at 22) i was under the thumb of physical and emotionally abusive parents. Once my brother turned 18 he basically told them to fk off. Who do you think got the blame? I had my son at 28- 8 months later my brother took off and i was left to clean up the mess. The following yr my dad had a heart attack (he survived and thankfully i finally had a dad, not a father. He truly became my rock and best friend). My son was labelled with intellectual disabilities. My father in law died from motor neurone disease. My mother had a complete psychotic break. My brother committed crimes (i was so lucky my dad never found out. I had to lie to him ALL the time). My dad died in 2009. My mother and my brother turned their backs on me. My credit is shot - to try an explain THAT would take hours. My husband and i struggled for money for yrs. And to top it off, he nearly died several months ago. All this has been happening from 1990 to this day.

Now, my son has a bad cold and i am in TEARS. i feel so alone. I can honestly say that if i wasn't scared of the pain, that i would end it. There really is no future for me. If i died tomorrow, i know that i have made no impact on this world. I have had zero career. I have zero money. I sit at home watching tv on my own. Zero motivation. I wouldn't even bother showering if i didnt have to. I do make an effort for my husband's sake because I don't want to worry him. He is a good man but the one thing he lacks is empathy. It's too late to change that.

Many times I think of my dad. How my life has changed COMPLETELY with out him. Wondering whether or not i would see him again if i offed myself.

I havent been diagnosed with anything because I have not told doctors anything. The only way i will be happy is if i wake up one morning with no memory of anyone and started again. Sorry for my rants.

3 likes, 12 replies

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12 Replies

  • Posted

    Hello Maria,

    I too found this site by accident. It's amazing the things we find or the people we meet, when we are at our lowest, or facing a challenging time.

    It really sounds like you could use a bit of a chat from a caring, empathetic soul. I hope we can help be there for you along the way...

    It sounds like it might be time you had a chat to your dr to see what they could suggest as far as support for your son goes. It really does sound like you are so overwhelmed with it all. Perhaps if you had some help with your son, it would leave you the time and energy to find a part time job (extra money and a great routine to have), meet some friends, join some support groups or even pick up a hobby.

    It wouldn't hurt to speak to a professional either.

    I really want to see you through this dear. You sound like such a lovely person. I wish there was something I could do for you!

    Would you like my email address for some personal conversation?

    Sending you all my love and positive energy!

    And like I say to everyone...JUST KEEP SWIMMING!

    Elly

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  • Posted

    Don't give up just yet. I know it feels so painful and never ending but a little love, help and support would go such a long way!

    You sound like a lovely, smart and above all, a very caring person who deserves to be happy and to live a peaceful and meaningful life.

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  • Posted

    Hi,

    I have spent the last 3 weeks hoping to stop people ending their lives.

    All have a common connection, a feeling of worthlessness.

    You have to approach your worth from a different angle. You go out to buy food, not much, youv'e only got £5 left. You stand at the pavement edge waiting to cross safely.

    A young child steps out into the road, without thinking you grab their arm and pull them out of harms way. That child grows up to become a Professor, or Surgeon or bringer of peace to the world.

    Your action ,long forgotten, turns out to be world changing.

    We are all here for a reason, good or bad, we all make a difference, yes, I know that child you saved could be another Hitler, Staines or whatever, but we don't decide other people's actions, only our own.

    I first came on this site because I had cervical stenosis and spondylosis with myolepathy, since then I have been diagnosed with malignant melanoma, and, 1 hour ago I have been told at the Memory clinic that I should prepare myself for possible diagnosis of Vascular Dementia.

    I used to be a good boy, why me , the world hates me , I might as well kill myself now .

    Or on the other hand suck it up and get on with life.

    Mike.

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    • Posted

      Mike you are the most beautiful inspiration! Thank you so much for all your wonderful words of meaningful wisdom.

      Wishing you all the best in life. May you have miraculous recoveries or at the very least go on with your life peacefully and happily and as content as possible with everything around you.

      Sending you my love, thoughts and positive energy.

      JUST KEEP SWIMMING 🐠🐟🐡🐬🐳🐋

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  • Posted

    Life throws a lot of negatives to us. This is hard to handle with no help. If you can go to facility that cares for you based on income and helps depression. No matter how bad things are now they can get better. Mental health services are sometimes not looked into due to embaressment or thinking your not crazy. This care is to help people and no one thinks your crazy. You don't have to let anyone know your being treated. You need help to handle what life has dealt you. Please don't give up. Everyone on this depression site has felt as you do. They have different problems but we all need help and admitting this is the first step. The doctor can not discuss anything you talk about to anyone. Privacy is taken very seriously. You need to be truthful and hold nothing back. Do what he or she tells you and take meds as directed, never stop meds without doctors orders. I tried to kill myself mor than once and I know how lonley and desperate you feel. Im glad I didn't succeed. I hate hearing how you feel and all your problems. Please promise me you will see a doctor and not harm your self. I pray you find comfort soon and I want to hear how you are. Understanding how we feel is not known by those that never experience it. You can explain till your exhausted but it won't help 95% of he time. We are here to help each other and care deeply about you. Let us help and come back to vent or what ever you need. We are here. God bless and keep you. Barbara

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    • Posted

      Hello Barbara,

      From the bottom of my heart, I am so glad you are still here with us. You are so right in that we are like a little online community, all around the world, with a story, here to help each other.

      Thank you for sharing a bit of your pain and wonderful words of wisdom with us all.

      Thank you for caring for us all.

      Sending you love and healing xx

      Elly

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  • Posted

    You must go to the doctor an she can refer you to a counsellor . Don't suffer alone x

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  • Posted

    How are you feeling having written it all down angel? 

    I found this forum because i was suicidal and i'm so pleased i did. To know that there's so many people struggling and so supportive and giving is such a massive comfort.

    My partner is also useless when it comes to matters of the mind....! 

    Keep us updated xx

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    • Posted

      I am so happy you chose to stay with us Kate 💜

      I love you, we love you!

      Thank you for sharing and thank you for all your wonderful caring words.

      I love being on this site, as painful as it is reading about everybody's pain and story, it's so healing and such a huge wonderful feeling, to see everybody come together, in their darkest and hardest moments, and just love and nurture one another.

      Gives me so much hope in humanity 😍

      Bless you beautiful.

      Sending you positive energy and healing from Australia -Elly

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  • Posted

    maria

    You had a life very much the same as me. I eventually lost my Hen Pecked father, and we also were forced to sell a family home.

     

    We eventually moved away and we never told my family members where we were going. We have now retired and live in a cottage in the countryside on the Scottish Border.

    I am not saying start again, unless you want to, all I do say is sometimes we need to run to the hills and form a new life. It is very liberating.

    If not already talk to your GP, get a dog and be dynamic in your thoughts and actions. Life is to short and it is up to us to make changes to increase our happiness. I look back to a past where thers tried to rule our lives and no-one should ever allow that to happen

    Grasp a new way forward especially if you feel lacking in where you are now

    BOB

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  • Posted

    Hi Maria,

    You say you've made no impact on the world. You take care of your disabled son and have a husband you describe as a good man. I'm sure they wouldn't agree with your assessment of the impact you have had.

    Go to your doctor and tell him how you feel. You don't have to go through this alone. Please talk to someone and ask for help. You said your husband has no empathy, but have you ever tried to talk to him about your feelings. A lot of men can seem indifferent because they feel uncomfortable discussing their feelings. Give him a chance to support you and be there for you now. If he loves you he will want to help you be happy. No matter what else happens though, please talk to your doctor and tell him everything you are going through and feeling.

    Please let me know how you get on.

    Good luck,

    Phyl

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  • Posted

    Hi,

    Many thanks for your words of support.

    There is a rock in my life. Always there when needed, always ready to help me.

    I am a man of short hight and long width ( 5 ft 6 in X 15 stone ). My rock, my beautiful wife of 46 years, is tiny in comparison but enormous in loving and giving.

    I can recognise how hard it must be for those on this site that do not get that help and support, it makes a big,big difference, that's why we are important here, helping and supporting each other.

    Best wishes to all of you.

    Mike.

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