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For around a year now I've strongly felt more comfortable telling myself I suffer from BPD.
I've been diagnosed with depression and anxiety in the past and have also suffered with disordered eating and self harm which has actually landed me in hospital due to overdose 5 times. My arms and thighs are covered in scars too so it isn't something I can hide anymore.
The problem for me is that when I've mentioned BPD to my psychiatrist over the last year or so, every time they've said the same thing, "you suffer from many of the traits of BPD and have done since you first were referred here, but we don't want to put another label on you"
The problem here is that, whilst I don't want to have a mental health problem, if I could tell my manager at work (I work for the NHS) and my friends and family I have BPD, it would be easier than having to go through everything individually;
- I get strong irrational delusions but I am not insane
- I have impulses which can cause me to hurt myself; sometimes the intent is bodily harm, other times I don't want to hurt myself by I can't control the thought
- I'm terrified of what people think of me, yet most people would describe me as a very outgoing person.
- people who know me well know I can get low quick and when I do I will disappear quickly wherever I am.
- I can also suffer with incredible highs where I feel like nothing can defeat me; similar to bipolar I guess, but they last much shorter
- I always remember feeling like the weird one in school.
- I was bullied throughout the whole of my school like, I got badly beaten up when I was around 14
- I'm very easily influenced; I know what is right and what is wrong when I'm 'lucid' but whilst I'm not myself I may do things that I probably shouldn't
- I hate being who I am and I'm terrified of my boyfriend leaving me, I don't want to be abandoned by anyone.
I'm currently on a break with my boyfriend which has made things temporarily much harder. He and most people around us believe we will be fine, that he just needs space from how manic I can be. But it set off this yearning to feel real again. I don't feel real when I say to people, I suffer from the symptoms of BPD but my doctor won't diagnose it for one reason or another. I'd hope with a diagnosis my boyfriend could possibly understand where my outbreaks come from more thoroughly. For instance; initially I believed we had broken up on the Sunday night. I went crazy...which doesn't actually happen much anymore. And I gave in to an impulse I had been trying to control for months, I overdosed. I didn't even want to, I didn't want to hurt myself. The single and only reason I did it was because I could then, they were there and my brain had been telling me to do it for weeks, but I'd managed to hold it off, I just couldn't anymore. It sounds stupid. But impulse can make me do some stupid stuff. Our relationship is now worse than it would have been if I hadn't had done that. If I had a diagnosis my boyfriend might be able to understand more as he has a name for it.
Each and every time I've met someone who has been diagnosed or read something about BPD I've felt like I'm normal...I no longer feel stupid. My feelings are validated as normal.
Without BPD I feel like I'm just a psycho. BPD makes me feel understood.
It sounds stupid, and im not bothered about a formal diagnosis but I want to be able to say it without then being penalised because it isn't official.
Can I do that? Or is that just wrong?
Do you think I have it?
Or am I just insane and need sticking in a mental institute?
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