They won't help me. Can you?

Posted , 3 users are following.

For around a year now I've strongly felt more comfortable telling myself I suffer from BPD.

I've been diagnosed with depression and anxiety in the past and have also suffered with disordered eating and self harm which has actually landed me in hospital due to overdose 5 times. My arms and thighs are covered in scars too so it isn't something I can hide anymore.

The problem for me is that when I've mentioned BPD to my psychiatrist over the last year or so, every time they've said the same thing, "you suffer from many of the traits of BPD and have done since you first were referred here, but we don't want to put another label on you"

The problem here is that, whilst I don't want to have a mental health problem, if I could tell my manager at work (I work for the NHS) and my friends and family I have BPD, it would be easier than having to go through everything individually;

- I get strong irrational delusions but I am not insane

- I have impulses which can cause me to hurt myself; sometimes the intent is bodily harm, other times I don't want to hurt myself by I can't control the thought

- I'm terrified of what people think of me, yet most people would describe me as a very outgoing person.

- people who know me well know I can get low quick and when I do I will disappear quickly wherever I am.

- I can also suffer with incredible highs where I feel like nothing can defeat me; similar to bipolar I guess, but they last much shorter

- I always remember feeling like the weird one in school.

- I was bullied throughout the whole of my school like, I got badly beaten up when I was around 14

- I'm very easily influenced; I know what is right and what is wrong when I'm 'lucid' but whilst I'm not myself I may do things that I probably shouldn't

- I hate being who I am and I'm terrified of my boyfriend leaving me, I don't want to be abandoned by anyone.

I'm currently on a break with my boyfriend which has made things temporarily much harder. He and most people around us believe we will be fine, that he just needs space from how manic I can be. But it set off this yearning to feel real again. I don't feel real when I say to people, I suffer from the symptoms of BPD but my doctor won't diagnose it for one reason or another. I'd hope with a diagnosis my boyfriend could possibly understand where my outbreaks come from more thoroughly. For instance; initially I believed we had broken up on the Sunday night. I went crazy...which doesn't actually happen much anymore. And I gave in to an impulse I had been trying to control for months, I overdosed. I didn't even want to, I didn't want to hurt myself. The single and only reason I did it was because I could then, they were there and my brain had been telling me to do it for weeks, but I'd managed to hold it off, I just couldn't anymore. It sounds stupid. But impulse can make me do some stupid stuff. Our relationship is now worse than it would have been if I hadn't had done that. If I had a diagnosis my boyfriend might be able to understand more as he has a name for it.

Each and every time I've met someone who has been diagnosed or read something about BPD I've felt like I'm normal...I no longer feel stupid. My feelings are validated as normal.

Without BPD I feel like I'm just a psycho. BPD makes me feel understood.

It sounds stupid, and im not bothered about a formal diagnosis but I want to be able to say it without then being penalised because it isn't official.

Can I do that? Or is that just wrong?

Do you think I have it?

Or am I just insane and need sticking in a mental institute?

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4 Replies

  • Posted

    Hi jes

    firstly you are not insane! Depression and other mental hhealth illnesses can make us feel like we are insane! But we are not, we are just very unwell. Why don't you insist on wanting a new assessment a for BPD as you are not satisfied with your diagnosis as you feel it's incorrect given your condition. Ask for a formal complaint form, in the event you are refused. If your psychiatrist leans towards you having BPD then there is a good chance you do. I'm sorry to hear what you have been through lately. Please try not to hurt yourself anymore. Your boyfriend may not understand mental health issues and you may need to try and explain that you are not doing these things on purpose. Explain you are still unwell and that you are going to push the medical profession to get a resolve.

    God bless xx

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    • Posted

      Thank you for your reply Lorraine.

      Me and my boyfriend have been together just over 2 years. One huge struggle we have is that his family don't understand. His immediate family have gotten a lot better about it, I tried to be as open as possible right from the beginning and even though it's taken time it has improved significantly. One of the main reasons we are on this break is because of the way his family have reacted. I have said I'm comfortable to talk to them and explain but my boyfriends mum thinks that's a bad idea. I think a lot of them believe mental health is a cop out for laziness. I have pushed in the past and haven't got anywhere, I guess a complaint is where i should go next. I am 20 and my partner is 22 so we are still relatively young, he has had to put up with a heck of a lot with me but both of us know I have actually been improving over the past few months. What happened a week ago was a huge blip which I hope will not happen again, but we did discuss the possibility of him coming to counselling sessions designed to help the person dealing with the mentally unwell individual, so in this case my boyfriend. My parents understand mainly now, they try their best anyway.

      The problem with that is that I have mentioned it in the past and he has dismissed it, when I've thought he has been mentally unwell he will not go to a doctor or ask anyone for help. I think he believes he shouldn't need help off someone else. How else could I convince him to come along do you think?

      This seems to be turning into a huge conversation about everything, but I guess sometimes that's exactly what you need!

      Thank you again

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    • Posted

      Hi jes

      it's a tricky one! If he won't accept help, that because he truly believes nothing wrong. Try telling him it's for your benefit, as worrying about him is also impacting on your health. Tell him you love him very much and it would mean so much to you, as it would put your mind at rest.

      Jes, you need to do all you can to eliminate additional stresses as the worrying is going to Impact on your recovery. God bless x

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  • Posted

    I can understand where your dr is comin from. The more labels a person has the more difficult it can be to explain to managers ect what causes what and so on.

    I have been diagnosed with bpd 2 and half years ago. I'll be real honest been given that diagnosis is hard to accept. The most used name is emotionally unstable personality disorder (what professionals call it anyway). And when you say that to people they give you the look. But at the same time after attending a group especially for bpd i have found better and healthier ways to cope. Dont get me wrong i get the urges to hurt myself or spend a ridiculous amount of Money but I found ways to cope.

    The best thing you can do it tell them straight. You need to be honest. Tell them you want to look at that again. Look into what bpd means (they have a check list). Also try mentalization to help. You use things like mindfulness and the breathing exercises to relax but if a thought comes in you just let it go don't push it out. You be transparent with people instead of im okay im fine ect.

    My partner suffers from anxiety and depression and my cpn said most people who have that illness do tend to show symptoms of bpd. It is very common. If anything maybe speaking about your childhood (if there was any problems) with your dr might help. 👍

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