Thing after thing going wrong :((

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I am 25, come from a wonderfull family, had what seems to be like a good child-hood. I was good at sports growing up, had friends, my grades where ok, didn't feel bad until a few years ago.

Important to say, I live with a stutter. For those who don't know, many people who stutter go threw fases of trying to hide it. Meaning we change words in our mind before we say what we want to say so we choose easier words, I avoided many speaking situations and cut lots and lots of conversations short. I learned to say only the things I need in order to pass on my message. A huge lack of conversation skills. I belive it separrated me from my self and from others. 

A few years back I decided I want to stop and making it contrle my life. I wouldn't stop my self from looking like a retart not able to say my name at the first attent, or making a point of saying a perticular word that can take me half a minute to get out. It makes me feel worth less, makes me want to be quite and alone - then I don't have to worry about it.

With time I developed anxietys.. Scared of what people think of me, feel like what I say or do is stuiped. I became very coussios of my self and my behavour and can't act natueral.

So  many people around me have an easy and fun time beeing with others, laghing aruond, expressing them selfs so nicely. And I feel like my vocal skills are proper for a kids level. I don;t know how to lead a conversation, how to continue one with it feeling like i'm interviewing the other side.

A nother thing is, I wouldn't share what I waas going threw. Many of my freinds think i'm over my bad stuttering feelings, that it doesn't bother me, my family are not aware (my mom is sarting to get the pictuer), I don't feel comfertuble around people.

And from where I come it is expected at my age to be in college or be after, to hols a steady income, enjoy social events - and I feel so far from there. Don't work beacuse most jobs stress me out, starting college in a few months for the second time this coming October.

I really thought I was a magic boy that could any thing he wants. This fall is really hard. I am starting to relise what I can and can't do.. 

My self asteem is low, my self confidance is low, feel like my skills arn't worthy, don't know what I enjoy doing, feel apathy, always low eneregy, don't know who I am, what makes me me, how I want or should behave and respond to my sorounding - so i am quite allot of the time. 

And I feel like inside, 'originaly' I am an out going persinality, fun to be with, clever, joke around and like to help and be there for others.

At this point I feel so lodt and a burdden, Thank the univers for some people in my life who keep me going.

I am doing yoga, excersizing, starting are therapy next week.

I know i'm ok and things could be amazing for me, but at this point I FEEL so bad, so low..Not much to hang on, can't see the end of this.. I don't care any more of my image i worked so much building - I just want to feel comfertable with being. To get to know my self and get back into life and stop thinking about it so much.

If u got this far, u are a special person smile

Excuse my spelling, English is my second lenguage.

If you have any thoughts, ideas, feeling to share - Please do.

It's my first real reach out, a big step owards acceptence or change.

Felt like I want to share, get my feeling out

All the best, hope the best for all of us and every one out there.

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4 Replies

  • Posted

    Well, 18 months ago, \i had a massive stroke, that to this day still leaves a slight speach impedimment, not really noticeable to others now, but it was when I came out of hospital. I saw the speech and communications therapist.

    I also have some short term memory loss from vascular dementia, which means I can't always fing the perfect word I want and I have to substitute a secondary one.

    It is just something I have to live with and get on and accept, there is no point worrying about it, just make the most of it.

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  • Posted

    Hi eytan, I have a similair story to you in that i got very depressed and started to spend so much time on my own, which then made me feel like an outsider aound people. I'd spent so much time apart from people that i when i went back i didnt know what to say and was very self-conscious and anxious.

    I've since overcome this and have learnt that most people are great and understanding and therefore you shouldnt be self-conscious of your stutter! No one will care, they'll want to listen to what you're saying and not even think about it! You need to have confidence in yourself by not letting these anxietys make you want to give up. They should spur you on! Use the doubt to allow yourself to become the person you want to be! ​In your story it says that you want to get to know yourself. It sounds to me like you do know yourself and you do have aims. The next stage is to achieve them by never giving up!

    If it bothers you, you could go to a speech therapist. I had a friend with a stutter and he was really helped by a speech therapist. Its nothing to be ashamed of because it's just a small part of life. The big picture is that you're an outgoing person who's fun to be with, clever, joke around and like to help and be there for others!

    Hope this helped and feel free to message me anytime

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  • Posted

    Hi I understand exactly what you are saying.  Ok I never stuttered but I did have very bad acne as a teenager and I have scarred skin to this day.   I got (and still do a bit) a lot of grief from men over this.   I have heard so many 'ugly women' jokes I could write a book.  

    The point I am making is that there is always some idiot who wants to slag you off because you are different.   The way I have found to deal with it is by making a smart report (ok difficult for you)  or humour.    It might hurt me deep inside but I never let others see this as they will do it all the more.  The world can be a very cruel place sometimes.  What you have got to remember is most people are fine.  

    I think it's a good idea to get help for your stutter as it is out there you know.  x

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  • Posted

    Hi, you described depression very well. Sorry you are struggling so much. How long have you felt this way? My husband has dealt with depression since he was about 8 years old and he is 54 now. He works very hard to feel better by exercising and stretching and a lot of deep thought and getting to know himself.We have changed our diet to eat fresh foods and no processed foods. Probiotics are good for your digestive tract where most of the body's seratonin is produced which helps with depression. Keep getting to know yourself better like you are doing, that is important.Our general practicioner stutters but it doesn't keep him from performing his job in a professional way. It can be done.
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