Thing after thing going wrong :((

I am 25, come from a wonderfull family, had what seems to be like a good child-hood. I was good at sports growing up, had friends, my grades where ok, didn't feel bad until a few years ago.

Important to say, I live with a stutter. For those who don't know, many people who stutter go threw fases of trying to hide it. Meaning we change words in our mind before we say what we want to say so we choose easier words, I avoided many speaking situations and cut lots and lots of conversations short. I learned to say only the things I need in order to pass on my message. A huge lack of conversation skills. I belive it separrated me from my self and from others. 

A few years back I decided I want to stop and making it contrle my life. I wouldn't stop my self from looking like a retart not able to say my name at the first attent, or making a point of saying a perticular word that can take me half a minute to get out. It makes me feel worth less, makes me want to be quite and alone - then I don't have to worry about it.

With time I developed anxietys.. Scared of what people think of me, feel like what I say or do is stuiped. I became very coussios of my self and my behavour and can't act natueral.

So  many people around me have an easy and fun time beeing with others, laghing aruond, expressing them selfs so nicely. And I feel like my vocal skills are proper for a kids level. I don;t know how to lead a conversation, how to continue one with it feeling like i'm interviewing the other side.

A nother thing is, I wouldn't share what I waas going threw. Many of my freinds think i'm over my bad stuttering feelings, that it doesn't bother me, my family are not aware (my mom is sarting to get the pictuer), I don't feel comfertuble around people.

And from where I come it is expected at my age to be in college or be after, to hols a steady income, enjoy social events - and I feel so far from there. Don't work beacuse most jobs stress me out, starting college in a few months for the second time this coming October.

I really thought I was a magic boy that could any thing he wants. This fall is really hard. I am starting to relise what I can and can't do.. 

My self asteem is low, my self confidance is low, feel like my skills arn't worthy, don't know what I enjoy doing, feel apathy, always low eneregy, don't know who I am, what makes me me, how I want or should behave and respond to my sorounding - so i am quite allot of the time. 

And I feel like inside, 'originaly' I am an out going persinality, fun to be with, clever, joke around and like to help and be there for others.

At this point I feel so lodt and a burdden, Thank the univers for some people in my life who keep me going.

I am doing yoga, excersizing, starting are therapy next week.

I know i'm ok and things could be amazing for me, but at this point I FEEL so bad, so low..Not much to hang on, can't see the end of this.. I don't care any more of my image i worked so much building - I just want to feel comfertable with being. To get to know my self and get back into life and stop thinking about it so much.

If u got this far, u are a special person

Excuse my spelling, English is my second lenguage.

If you have any thoughts, ideas, feeling to share - Please do.

It's my first real reach out, a big step owards acceptence or change.

Felt like I want to share, get my feeling out

All the best, hope the best for all of us and every one out there.

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