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things I’m scared to tell my councillors

Posted , 3 users are following.

anonxxo
anonxxo

I feel embarrassed saying ALL of this but, it’ll feel better to let it out so here goes...

I don’t really know where to start, but, I started off not wanting to go school in the mornings for no found reason, I just didn’t want to go. I felt down, and hopeless but I could feel confident and feel somewhat good looking in the afternoon. I then was accompanied by paranoia at night, I would have to keep checking around my room every minute or so to make sure no one was in the room with me. When I turned my light off and laid down, it felt as if someone was laying next to me. This led to some sleepless nights. I cut sometimes, usually not surface scratches but fairly deep, not dangerous but have had to go doctors to prevent infection etc. I cut because I want to feel something due to my feeling of emptiness quite frequently, or because I am infuriated with anger as I am incredibly bitter sometimes and people will just annoy me, even the smallest things, or just because I simply can. My paranoia has improved thankfully though.. I struggle with intrusive thoughts fairly bad. I was sat in my assembly, and I just imagined my mums head getting shot off, or I will be sat in a car and image someone shooting me passing by. Sometimes I imagine me stabbing myself etc. They can be very graphic. My overactive imagination really doesn’t help. I feel like such an idiot because I have so much to say sad. I have a bestfriend, but I get so extremely jealous when she is with anyone else where I start seeing if she looks at her longer than me or ridiculous things like that. It’s like I can’t be happy for others but I really want to be!! I struggle with empathy but I will be there for anyone which makes me feel so selfish and self centred. It’s like I confuse myself, I don’t know who I am, I don’t understand my mind at all and I just want to scream. My mind is one big gigantic word of something that doesn’t make sense. Yet I am so energetic at times and I dance about, singing and laughing. I have quite an odd personality, I’m extremely weird (people laugh though) and say things no one would really think of saying, my thoughts are quite out there. Due to the lack of me understanding myself, and people saying my head is so messed up, I want to catogerise myself into something that is wrong with me. Not for attention, but just so I feel more sane, so I know I’m not the only one. It’s like I talk myself into things, sometimes my mind will try and tell me things like I’m not real, but I know I am it’s just a thought. Or that someone fancies me, but I KNOW they don’t!! I’ve tried thinking if I have depression, a personality disorder, practically anything. I have realised I can’t diagnose myself, and probably don’t have these. It’s just so I would have a clearer understanding of who I am, it’s all I want sad  there are probably things I have forgotten, but this is a lot of it. By the way, I’m 15 and have a family support worker, have had counselling but needed a specialist in which I am waiting for. Any advice would be so muchly appreciated smile thankyou got reading. I do have suicidal thoughts, which I am scared I will act upon in the heat of the moment, and have done drugs, which I no longer do.

5 likes, 2 replies

2 Replies

  • Patient
    Patient anonxxo

    Posted

    Hi anonxxo

    We note from a recent post which you have made to our forum that you may be experiencing thoughts around self-harm. If we have misinterpreted your comments then we apologies for contacting you directly. But if you are having such thoughts then please note that you are not alone in this, and there are people out there that can help.

    If you are having these suicidal thoughts then we strongly recommend you speak to someone who may be able to help. The Samaritans offer a safe space where you can talk openly about what you are going through. They can help you explore your options, understand your problems better, or just be there to listen.

    Their contact details are on our patient information leaflet here: https://patient.info/health/dealing-with-suicidal-thoughts, which also offers lots of other advice on how you can access the help you may need.

    If you are having such thoughts then please do reach out to the team at the Samaritans (or the other people detailed in our leaflet) who will understand what you're going through and will be able to help.

    Kindest regards

    Patient

  • mike09523
    mike09523 anonxxo

    Posted

    Hi,

    I had councilling last year, bit of a waste of time but it helped me just to talk about it.

    Some of the things you mention ie shooting others, or being shot is not surprising. For the last few years we have been bombarded by world media telling us of atrocity after atrocity, truly barbaric stories, we don't realise at the time but our brains store these images and information, possibly to alert us if needed to.

    However, some of your descriptors do sound as though you need help. We can't always deal with these things on our own. You will need to trust your councillor-anything you divulge will be kept confidential if that's what worries you.

    Hope you get the help you need, best wishes,

    Mike.

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