Think I've been a bit impulsive!

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Hi, so I have a job interview tomorrow. Think I might have made a mistake.

Haven't worked since 2014 due to fibromyalgia and depression/anxiety. Meds were not working so I am now medication free. Been treating myself naturally and feeling better than I have done in a really long time. BUT only last month I was a complete mess. Much of that had to do with the cymbalta I was taking but for the past three years I have not been in a position to hold down any sort of a job. Pains, stiffness, extreme fatigue, low moods, suicidal thoughts, incapable of looking after the house, etc.

However, with coming of the cymbalta and not starting any other anti-depressants I was feeling much more like living life again and have been managing/coping with daily life better. Not brilliant...but better. I've been getting bits of housework done, cooking the dinners, taking the dog out....I haven't been able to do any of this for such a long time. However, I was on a bit of a 'high' this past week or so. Although started about two weeks ago. I've had days where I couldn't slow down, couldn't stop talking, was feeling really motivated etc. I've even been thinking about the Open University again. This is something I've done in the past and it used to come up every so often, but I thought that was behind me as my brain has been so tired for such a long time. Well, I've got my heart set on yet another course and I'm very close to signing-up. In the past three years this has been unimaginable to me. 

On top of that I started to apply for jobs at the weekend. And I'm not really sure why! The thing is, I've gone and landed myself an interview tomorrow. But today I'm rubbish again. I feel like crying. I'm so tired and stiff and I just can't imagine how I'm even going to make it out the door tomorrow. 

To make matters worse my third attempt at passing an ESA medical is next week. But I'm all over the place and now so confused as to what I should do. I should add I was awarded both PIP components not so long ago, with the enhanced rate for daily living (because I've been such a complete mess).

And I should have had my second psychology appointment tomorrow but have had to re-arrange that because of this interview!

What have I done!?!

 

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  • Posted

    Hi mari34228

    We note from a recent post which you have made to our forum that you may be experiencing thoughts around self-harm. If we have misinterpreted your comments then we apologies for contacting you directly. But if you are having such thoughts then please note that you are not alone in this, and there are people out there that can help.

    If you are having these suicidal thoughts then we strongly recommend you speak to someone who may be able to help. The Samaritans offer a safe space where you can talk openly about what you are going through. They can help you explore your options, understand your problems better, or just be there to listen.

    Their contact details are on our patient information leaflet here: https://patient.info/health/dealing-with-suicidal-thoughts, which also offers lots of other advice on how you can access the help you may need.

    If you are having such thoughts then please do reach out to the team at the Samaritans (or the other people detailed in our leaflet) who will understand what you're going through and will be able to help.

    Kindest regards

    Patient

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  • Posted

    Firstly, well done you for getting an interview!

    Secondly go, keep your options open and also see it as a trip out and an experience building exercise for the future.

    Wait until you get offered the job before you dismiss it altogether, you can always turn it down if you change your mind.

    Keep well and good luck with whatever you decide x

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    • Posted

      Thank you Amanda. I haven't gone. I've been up for a bit but now back in bed. The extra energy I had this past week or two is going. My stiffness and my back is getting worse again. My motivation and the excitement I was feeling is going. I can feel the 'spark' I had is dwindling. I'm wanting to cry simply because I'm frustrated and confused and angry at my stupid useless body. I'm going to get back up and do some housework, but all the enthusiasm and confidence of the last few days is slipping away from me fast.

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