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This is going to end badly

Posted , 9 users are following.

tess33005
tess33005

So, after having our resident stalkers arrested and charged, things calmed down. I was finishing off the second lot of 160 xanax and Jim gradually slowed down his drinking.

Until today, that is.

He had one can of lager by 3 p.m. then said he was going for a walk.

My heart sank. We both know the script so well.

Three hours later he returned, drunk, carrying more cans, and telling me it was my fault.

Was it?

I don't think it was, honestly.

So now he's disappeared again into the night, I'm ordering more and more benzos online and am going out to buy some cigarettes.

IS it my fault?

Please explain, friends. I need to be told what to do, by you.

Thanks.

0 likes, 19 replies

19 Replies

  • lorilin16
    lorilin16 tess33005

    Posted

    Sounds like you need to separate yourself from Jim. He doesn't sound healthy for you from the stories I have read. Sounds like a spiral that keeps going down down down, I'm sorry sad

    • tess33005
      tess33005 lorilin16

      Posted

      I think I'll be able to do my tapering once he's dead, and I'd like to be with him till the end.

      I am not abandoning my husband, because he is dying and I am not.

  • ADEfree
    ADEfree tess33005

    Posted

    Tess, I think this is just what Jim does from time to time. I know you get stressed about it, but you know he's going to do it, so no use in hurting your own health over it. You have a right to say what's going on in your own house and if Jim didn't want to align with that, then he's got to handle it the way he's got to handle it. 

  • RHGB
    RHGB tess33005

    Posted

    Jim will do what Jim is going to do. He is on a journey, he knows where it is going and he has accepted that he can't get off.

    BTW, Xanax has a short half life compared to other benzos. This can cause severe withdrawal symptoms and lead to addiction much worse than other benzos. You should switch a longer half life benzo like diaz.

    Xanax is the crack cocaine of benzos.

    • tess33005
      tess33005 RHGB

      Posted

      Hi to Ade and RHGB

      I was so relieved when I saw you had both answered.

      Thank you.

      I'm trying so hard to do things right, as it were. Maybe there isn't a 'right'.

      Ten minutes after I posted the discussion, I got a text from Jim saying "Goodnight. I love you."

      I could scream.

      (Thanks re - xanax, RH. I am still on the diazepam. Just bought xanax to see to see what it was like - turns out it tastes disgusting and has no noticeable effect on me - won't be taking THAT again, don't worry...)

      I am sick of being blamed - not by you, either of you. You know I mean Jim.

      In fact I'm sick of everything at the moment. I hate alcohol.

      I HATE IT   I HATE IT   I HATE IT

    • h1954
      h1954 tess33005

      Posted

      Absolutely not your fault. My heart goes out to you.
    • ADEfree
      ADEfree tess33005

      Posted

      Just for a bit of perspective and compassion for Jim, one TSM'er noted that the old AA guys referred to taking benzos as "chewing your booze", probably in a reference to the GABAergic effects that both booze and benzos have. 

      Also, notice reactivation of the conscious handoff of stress to the unconscious "addictive" programming that strongly tends to solve the problem with benzos. 

      Now, what I wonder is if hormonal ratios have an impact on the trigger level for stress and so your tendency to hand the problem over to an unconscious part of your brain, the Striatum (where some addictions live)? 

      In any case, compassion seems to have produced the best results so far, nez paw? 

    • tess33005
      tess33005 ADEfree

      Posted

      Tu es si gentil mon vieux.

      Et tu as raison aussi.

      Amicalement, Tess. xx

  • vickylou
    vickylou tess33005

    Posted

    Tess am thinking of you. Can't offer much help only that Jim will continue to do what he wants and when he wants. You are not to blame and Jim will agree with that xx

    • tess33005
      tess33005 vickylou

      Posted

      You're right. He has agreed, after sobering up.

      I think our two stalkers have hit us both a lot harder than we realised. And heading for benzos or alcohol won't solve that.

      Oh, we're trying so hard!

      Thanks VL.  xxx

    • gwen45436
      gwen45436 tess33005

      Posted

      Oh Tess - just picked this up.  Girlfriend you are stronger than you think.  Of course it is not your fault.  Don't we just all say stupid things when drunk - I know I have and in the morning felt dreadful. 

      What a journey you are on - of course you won't leave Jim, I would feel the same.  You will stay strong with help here - thank goodness you can put your feeling down as an outlet - you need to - loads of thoughts and love sent your way.

      G.

    • tess33005
      tess33005 gwen45436

      Posted

      all is well.

      Jim has stopped drinking completely and has got his diabetes under control.

      I am gobsmacked.

      XXX Tess

    • gwen45436
      gwen45436 tess33005

      Posted

      Aww wonderful - he loves you obvs to pieces. Gobsmacked -  great word - I use that word though not many do - but it really sums your situ up.

      God bless.

      Gwen x

    • h1954
      h1954 tess33005

      Posted

      Fantastic news! I'm so pleased for you x

    • tess33005
      tess33005 h1954

      Posted

      'Tis the prayers of many which have changed everything. Of that I am sure.

      love and God bless you, h.

    • Misssy2
      Misssy2 tess33005

      Posted

      OMG....this is wonderful.

      God is good.

      I'm so happy for Jim..he will live longer now.

      smile

    • tess33005
      tess33005 ADEfree

      Posted

      N'est pas? (Isn't it?)

      Yup, my life has changed dramatically.

      Oh, and so has Jim's......

    • tess33005
      tess33005 Misssy2

      Posted

      Sure hope so, Misssy.

      And he FEELS so much better.

      Which is not surprising lol.

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