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This will blow your mind!!!

Posted , 3 users are following.

robinhonest
robinhonest

I know I have depression because of my symptoms but I also took pharmacology so I do not want prescribed drugs because of the side effects sometimes being life altering. I was dealt a crappy hand in life when I was born. It's like you realize how bad your child hood was once you are an adult and I have really seen the darkness now bad so I am choosing to write this post. I am 34 so I was born in the early 80s right? Let's start from there. It's when all hell broke lose. Neglect galore. The big wave came at age 3 when my Mom married a nightmare. Post traumatic stress war veteran. My child hood was a lot of trauma. I know others can relate to this experience because there are many victims to this child hood like me. I was taken from my home because my Mom would make me stay with other people when my step dad did not want me around. So a majority of my younger years revolved around me living in different cities with either her friend or my aunt (her sister) ... during this time I was also moved from school to school. Never held back though. I have always been very smart regardless of my dysfunctional school pattern. Fast learner. Anyhow, today I had a total meltdown when I was home alone because the child hood anger came tumbling down. My fiance is so very caring and supportive so I chose to seek help online in the effort to recieve assistance immediately. I realize I am a trauma victim so this healing road is not going to be easy because I know what I have seen is like a haunting experience for me.

1 like, 15 replies

15 Replies

  • ursulauc62
    ursulauc62 robinhonest

    Posted

    Hi,

    I'm really sorry youre feeling so bad.  I reached a crisis point when I was about the same age as you and I got pregnant. I had a caring husband and good support where I was, but I started to focus alot on my childhood years and really hated my dad with a vengeance because he was so hrrible to my mum. He was never violent, but verbal abuse and putdowns and control over things like the amount of money she had access to.  He was just spiteful and didnt care how much it upset anyone.  At that point I just wanted him dead.  I got over it to some extent after my son was born, though not totally, and I suffered from bad depression for years after. 

    I started to realize that life is sometimes more complex than it at first appears, and people sometimes should not be totally blamed or held responsible for their actions.  For example, my mum could be pretty hard work to live with - very neurotic and OCD, - and I dont think that was totally down to my dad. She had a very traumatic time when growing up in the war, and suffered nightmares for years after, and that affected her moods alot. She was still very hard work to be with after my dad died, although I thought shed be much more relaxed, and during this time my sister was living with her and supporting her and was under a huge amount of pressure from my mum emotionally.  

    Then my mum developed Alzheimers and my sister and her family were still living with our mum. She got very difficult and sometimes very aggressive, and my sister started drinking alot. My mum has been in care home for over a years now and seems much happoer, but my sister still drink loads every day, and her health is really suffering.  I dont want her to be beaten and ruin her health because of these bad experiences, and you dont have to let that happen either. 

    After some time of grieving - because it is a process of grieving really - for things you feel you should have had and have lost - and possibly some therapy, it is possible to come to terms with all this and distance yourself from it, and somehow, that is what you need to do.

    Try to get some therapy sessions to start with - I did, and it did help.

    Lots of Luck.

    • robinhonest
      robinhonest ursulauc62

      Posted

      Thanks smile

      I do try to see how life affects others and I know certain things happened to my step dad in the war that brought about the after math, and I know my Mom was abused very badly as a child... these facts greatly affected my child hood and in advance created a strong impact on my love life later due to distrust. So much violence can really create a distance between you and others because you are not able to trust easily. I am going to seek some therapy soon.

    • robinhonest
      robinhonest ursulauc62

      Posted

      As far as your sister goes: she is an alcoholic. Her body will eventually show health deterioration on a stronger level if she does not seek help.
    • elizabeth2244
      elizabeth2244 ursulauc62

      Posted

      My mom was an alcoholic like your sister was now my mom has all these health problems herself 

      You sister needs to get herself help 

      It hard to live with someone who is an alcoholic 

    • ursulauc62
      ursulauc62 robinhonest

      Posted

      I know, we know - me and my husband are very worried about her.  We can see her deteriorating steadily, and saw her just the other day and I was really shocked by her appearance. Its so upsetting - she used to have a great figure and keep fit, and was really proud of herself, - now its like shes just waiting for doom.  I get the feeling she is waiting to get a bad diagnosis, then she can blame everyone else for not helping her out more - with our mum, with money -etc... 

      The problem is, when she wakes up and realises she is too ill to drink again, and her life may be danger she will be devastated - she has always been scared of illness and dying.

      We must talk seriously to her about it - and will - like this week!

    • robinhonest
      robinhonest ursulauc62

      Posted

      How is it that people can voluntarily abuse their body repetitively yet when the body becomes very ill they cannot face it? She will just have to accept that she did this to herself due to inner pain.
  • elizabeth2244
    elizabeth2244 robinhonest

    Posted

    Hi robin

    I had a traumatic child hood also. My mom divorced my dad when i was 5 and moved me, my two brothers and sister to Kansas where i grew up. 

    Yes my mom was mentally abusive to me and sometimes to my brothers and sister. 

    My dad visited us until i was in 6th grade he passed away from a stroke and this is when the nightmare begins. My mom turned to drinking alcohol it was vodka she drank and when she became mad drunk she would mentally put us kids down me the worse, she would throw things and break dishes and slam doors. There were times she would slap us on the face. When she was mad drunk i had to hide from her because i was scared of her there were times i had to leave the house but she would call the police on me and have me put in a mental hospital. 

    It was scary growing up in a house with no dad and my mom drinking and mentally abusing us kids and sometime physically 

    To this day i am still scared of my mom. I don't see her but i do call her once in a while. It makes me anxious when i do have to see her but i have to have my boyfriend with me or my sister with me to help me through my anxieties

    Elizabeth

     

    • robinhonest
      robinhonest elizabeth2244

      Posted

      That's rough to live with. You were forced into a mental ward when your Mom should have been in there herself, it seems. I am sorry to hear this. Mental abuse is worse than physical because it puts your self esteem way down. I encourage you to seek a way to strengthen your esteem level. The fear you have towards your Mom may weaken as you get older ... time heals. I know you had to have experienced some kind of trauma to an extent because you were in fear a lot so maybe you can educate yourself on how to overcome it some. Google Emotional and psychological trauma.
    • ursulauc62
      ursulauc62 robinhonest

      Posted

      I used to be scared of my mum after I'd left home and went back to visit, because I knew she'd be upset, and as I said, it continued after my dad died when I thought it wasnt.  She was still neurotic and controlling, and when my sister had a kid, she was always telling her what to do with him, telling her she was a bad mother - because she didnt put a really warm jacket on him for example on a mild spring day.

      All of this drip feed of undermining and nagging seemed to be something she had learnt from what our dad did to her, and she was taking it out on someone else, because she was never confident to stand up for herself with him.  

      She used to have crying and shouting fits alone in the kitchen or her bedroom, and shout abusive stuff and other members of the family - then come out and behave as if nothing had happened.

      I'm not suprised my sister has been traumatised, but she doesnt need to now keep punishing herself. She has a caring husband and lovely 14 year old son.

      We will do all we can to help her.   

      People should not punish themselves because of the bad actions of others - by being depressed, alcoholic, unable to move their lives on - they are letting the other people who were bad to them win.

    • robinhonest
      robinhonest ursulauc62

      Posted

      Yes, the cycle started with your Dad and then your Mom harbored anger that carried on. People let others win because they are not strong enough to eliminate the inner pain that was created. It's a dedication that a lot of people actually do not have time for. There's always a reason to post pone self improvement in their eyes.
    • ursulauc62
      ursulauc62 robinhonest

      Posted

      It is a vicious cycle that just carries on unless people are very determined to stop it.  And youre parents parents did something bad, which affected their kids, and youre parents parents parents were oppressive and dysfunctional, and that was what caused youre grandparents problems - and the problem probably goes back generations!   I believe we are inextricably always part of the past and generations down the line our descendants will very much still be part of us.

      This is all getting a bit deep! - but basically we have to learn to cope with it.  I believe there is a famous poem about all this by Philip Larkin.....

       

    • lisalisa67
      lisalisa67 robinhonest

      Posted

      Nothing to do with being strong enough. Some people have no clue. Some people get quite damaged at such a young age that its a rippingly hard journey. I dont like the words not strong enough. Everyone is at different levels of self actualizariion. In terms of the abuser, they need to seek help or or not have children or seek an alternative for their children. But mental illness and ignorance plays a big role too. The only thing you can do is learn forgiveness on many levels, complicated and difficult but it becomes self preservation. And break the cycle. 
    • robinhonest
      robinhonest lisalisa67

      Posted

      My reason for saying this is because of fear. Fear controls a lot of people.
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