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Just a flow of conciousness. Not very interesting but read if you're bored or procrastinating like I am.

So today in work I realised how often the people there are telling me that I look tired or that I need to smile. I work as a waiter and so obviously a cheery facade is beneficial (tips) but as hard as I tried, people kept telling me to smile. It was a genuine struggle. I wasn't even particularly upset about anything. It got me thknking about my general disposition. 

I'm never really upset about anything in particular. I can count on one hand the amount of times I've cried since becoming an adolescent. I've always just been partial to melancholy for no aparent reason. My thoughts always have a hard, black edge to them. I don't get excited over simple, trivial things like most people I know do. This is true for as far back as I can remember. I'm only now realising that maybe that's not so 'normal', whatever that means.

I've never been formally diagnosed with depression. I was initailly put on antidepressants for a pretty severe bout of anxiety just over a year ago. But a few months ago, for weeks on end I thought about killing myself. I didn't tick all the boxes of the textbook depression case, but I was pretty certain when I caught myself (it was like walking in on somebody masturbating) writing a suicide note, in all seriousness, that I became pretty sure I was depressed. I don't even know if I really did intend to kill myself. All I know is that from somewhere I mustered up the courage and the energy to give myself a few more days, and then another few, and so on. And that's what my life feels like all the time now. Giving myself a few more days to weigh up the pros and cons of killing myself, of remaining alive on this earth or just leaving. For any Radiohead fans, the lyrics "I'm not living, I'm just killing time" pretty much sum up my existence. When good things happen, yeah, I am happy about them, but when the initial excitement fades, it's back under that hazy grey monotony that weighs down so heavy but leaves me just enough room to breathe. 

It's like limbo. I'm not so bad that I'm having a full-scale mental breakdown and rubbing my excrement all over the walls. But at the same time, I can see what life should be like, what life I can so easily have, and I just can't grab it. I go through the motions. I get up and go to work. When university is back I'll attentd whatever lectures I can be bothered to and I'll hand in all my assignments on time like a good little boy. I'll feed myself. I'll bathe. I'll make myself look presentable when I go out. But it's just an imitation of life. I don't feel alive. 

And it all brings me to the one looming question: What do I do about it? I don't want to go on this way. I don't want to die either, believe me on that, but I just really don't want to live if it means going through every single day knowing that I'm just wasting it all by not enjoying it. I can see all the potential for a good, hppay life, but I don't quite know how to get there.

Apologies for the long-winded post, but it feels good to document exactly how I feel. I've tried before, but the wanna-be artist in me always tries to turn it into poetry or a screenplay or whatever medium I feel could be my ticket to the hall of misunderstood depressives alongside Sylvia Plath and

Vincent van Gogh. But I'm not a poet. I'm not meant for greater things. But I hope to god I'm meant for better than this.

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6 Replies

  • Posted


    Just so you know I found this quite interesting. 

    I am sat in my bed thinking ... Will I ever get to sleep and reading your post ... Made me think more about my life. 

    I work in catering ( always very busy ) and people are always telling me to cheer up eg and exactly ATM I am going through dismal for not being happy eno

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  • Posted

    Hi Danny,

    Wow, you are very good at writing, you have explained things so well, it makes alot of sense.

    I think most of us find everyday life boring and a task, it's the small things we do that can make life interesting, like hobbies, do you have any?

    I think you could really do something with writing, as you make your words seem so interesting!

    I don't have all the answers myself, as i'm still trying to work it for myself, things i do find joy from is, helping people, going for walks in pretty & simple places like, the beach, or lake.

    Maybe see if you can do some charity work, it can be very rewarding and gives you a sense of achievement.

    Anyway, good luck, and let me know any answers you find x

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    • Posted

      People will find life boring eg if they are depressed ( that's what depression is ) believe me I have suffered with it for 11 years now 

      I agree hobbies eg can make life seem better or something that makes you happy ? 

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    • Posted

      I have also suffered with depression for years, since i was 14, i am now 29.

      Most people do find there everyday life boring, a symptom of depression is finding little or no interest in things that you would usually enjoy not overall boredom.

      I don't really think you can say he is suffering from a 'mild' form of depression when hes thinking of killing himself often, and has even written a suicide note.

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  • Posted

    ... Oops sent to soon I was saying ...

    For not being happy enough so yeah it is tough when people expect us just to be ok and they don't know what's its like unless they have gone through it themselves my boss has to be extremely careful though as I have a disability and I have a long term illness but hey if I loose my job its not the the of the world I believe everything happens for a reason can I ask are you still on ad ? 

    Did you find they helped ? 

    I have tried lots of different types in the past but none of them helped so don't take them no more now just take beta blockers when I feel I need to have you thoigkt about asking your GP for these they are apparently not addictive so that's a good thing as I know some drugs can very addictive eg Valium which I have for serious situations but only for then it does sound like you have mild form of depression and as for writing note well I suppose everyone will go through tines when they feel this way in no way does it mean that the person will go ahead with it suppose it is like a despair thing 

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  • Posted

    Hi Danny , what you write is about life really,and on the whole life is pretty mundane and repetative and boring BUT you can change that if you really want to just by being a happier person in general.It sounds really corny but if you make the effort to be happier then it rubs off on those around you and once you start reaping the results of your happiness the more confident in yourself you become eg. Yes'day i bumped into someone i hadn't seen for yrs so stunned they were at my appearance it have me a huge boost to my self esteem particularly as i have ben so unwell.i embraced the warm glow feeling instead of batting it away unnoticed.Make time to do something that makes you happy ,i wish you well. Lx


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