Thoughts in my head

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Almost three years ago I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and I used to self harm frequently. I've been on a variety of different meds (currently on citalopram), but I still have one unsolved/unexplained issue. Every day, almost every hour, I am thinking about hurting people. I'm not talking a light slap, I mean brutally murdering innocent individuals. I know that this is "wrong", but I honestly don't FEEL inside me that it's wrong - infact I rarely feel anything but sadness and anger. These intrusive thoughts happen constantly, I'll be walking along and I'll see a random person and be filled with anger and envision hurting them. 

Sometimes, the anger is so hard to control. I don't know what to do anymore. I also struggle with people in my home, I get severely uncomfortable - in most social situations actually. 

Any help would be greatly appreciated. 

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6 Replies

  • Posted

    Oh Ellie, this must be scary & horrible for you. If you seriously think that your anger may turn to action then it may be worth confessing to the Mental Health workers before serious harm is caused, but think very carefully because they are likely to use an antipsychotic to chemically restrain you. You will no longer care about anything, sleep a lot of the time, have uncontrollable appetite etc, BUT you will stay out of prison. If you have a safe person to talk it through with or can escape to a different environment for a couple of weeks to see if things improve, then this might be a better start. Sounds as though you do need to change something urgently though. Stay safe & be careful. Fingers crossed for you.

    Maybe research type B personality cluster & early psychosis to see if you can get a handle on it.

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  • Posted

    Hi Ellie

    I'm bipolar and on citalopram too, I used to get instrusive thoughts telling me to do terrible things as well, so I really feel for you.  I went to to see my psychiatrist and he changed my ant-psychotic from Largactil to Risperipdone, saying that these thoughts were what is called obsessional thinking, the edge of OCD it seemed, and fortunately the rsiperidone really helped.  It didn't stop the thoughts completely but it really did reduce them with that reduction getting greater over time until now its really rare for me to have them.  I would recomend seeing your psychiatrist or doctor asap and expalining whats going on as I'm sure it can be cured.  Anti-psychotics do have side effects, but, and I can only speak personally, they have been and remain, very helpful to me.

    xxxxxc

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    • Posted

      Hi, 

      That's really helpful, I saw too that it was a form of OCD, which would make sense. I'm planning on seeing a doctor but that process seems to scare me! 

      Thank you so much and I'm glad you're on the road to some sort of peace!

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    • Posted

      Hi Ellie

      Good luck with dr.s appt. I find that soem of them don't mind you suggesting a self-diagnosis where as others get uptight about it, depends how well you know your gp or psych I guess.  I've been lucky with mine but I know not everyone has that blessing.  I hope you remain calm and are able to explain clearly what is going on and I truly hope it works out for you and that you get tghe diagnosis and treatment you deserve.

      xxx

       

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  • Posted

    I hope that today sees YOU experience some hope. Just another thought. People who have awful respirodone experiences seem to do better on paliperidone. Apparently it works differently, although they don't really know how any of these neuroleptics actually work. How cool is it that the community here are caring & helpful when you get desperate? Thanks everyone. Responses are appreciated.
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