Thoughts please

Thanks Tara

I know I've got to be strong but I keep getting these thoughts I try so hard to do postive things but they keep coming back. I have been close a few times but my thoughts of the grandchildren have stopped me. I just wish they wouldn't keep coming back. My son does not know about the sucicidal tendancies as he has been struggling too, so I don't want to put more pressure on him. 

I don't want to give up either....

Have you talked to your doctor? Are you on an anti depressant? If so, and it's not working, maybe they can prescribe Xanax to you for those times that you're having thoughts about suicide.  Do you have another relative you can talk to?  Sometimes just saying it out loud to someone can help.  If nothing else, write your feelings down.  You're a great writer.  I was on the verge of tears just reading your initial post.  How long ago did your husband pass away?  

Are you religious?  Could you talk with your church?  Maybe you could join a grief group to know you're not alone.  Just know, this will make you stronger.  Who knows, maybe this experience you're having will save someone else's life because they will find comfort in your strength to not give up.  

I am on 40mg cit have been for 6 weeks and before that 20mg for 14 weeks, my GP knows and the bereavement councillor I've been seeing. I only have a sister and I don't want to stress her out either. I've been keeping a journal when my husbands illness got complicated so I knew what to tell the doctors and keeping a record of the various medication he was on etc. He passed away in July. I do find that very helpful, but it still doesn't stop these thoughts appearing. No I couldn't join a group as its taken me a while to open up to my GP and councillor. I always use to keep my feeling and emotions close. i have found everyone on here so understanding and helpful. My GP hasn't offered any other medication, what is Xanax?

Did you try other meds before Cit?  I'm surprised your doctor prescribed it because it takes so long to work.  There are other medications, like Zoloft, Zofran, and Lexapro that are known to get into your system faster.  

Xanax is a fast acting medication for anxiety/depression that you would use along with your other anti-depressant.  It is known to be addictive but is an amazing medication for eliminating suicidal thoughts immediately.  Maybe ask your GP about it?  

I don't know if she would allow me anything like that as I only get a weeks supply of cit at a time. I was not offered anything else and I didn't really want to go down the med route but gave in. I am due to see her next Thursday. So might discuss this. Thanks. 

Thanks Katecogs

I actually slept quite well last night for a change, woke up having bad dreams but did get to sleep again quite quick. A quiet day today didn't go out as its been snowing on and off. Planning to go tomorrow, felt quite calm today for a change and head has been empty. So all in all not a too bad a day so far. X

That's great to hear!  xx

That's good Tina ... sleep certainly helps.  I've been having weird dreams since Christmas, all mixed up crazy stuff.  It's very strange what we dream about isn't it.  Glad you're feeling calm ..... enjoy your day, you certainly deserve it xx

Snow ... I love walking in the snow.  Hope you're able to get out tomorrow.  It's drizzling here today and quite grey.  Tomorrow I'm out walking with a friend with lunch too (forecast is sunny).  Time to dig my walking boots out (New Years resolution is to go walking on Sundays) :-)

Enjoy your day xxx

Hi

Hope you have a good walk tomorrow and a nice lunch. I really enjoy the fresh air too. 

I completed my trip in sunshine and blue sky, It was successful as I came back but have not really sorted out my head. Written a lot of stuff down sitting by the loch to try and sort myself out. Will discuss with councillor a week Tuesday.

Maybe the stress of christmas and new year are triggering these weird dreams. At least they're not nightmares.

tina xx

Tina- I have come to believe that these suicidal thoughts are normal for depression. I am both someone who struggles with depression and a licensed counselor. Most of my clients who have been depressed had told me during sessions that they think about killing themselves... that they have images of themselves doing it. During my own latest bout of depression that seems to have lasted nearly two years I have had horrific images in my head... seeing myself putting a pistol in my mouth and pulling the trigger... driving my truck into the river, ect. My mom is also currently depressed and for the first time in her life she has been thinking about suicide. My depression is linked to loss and hers is linked to percieved loss (she believes my step-dad is cheating on her after they have been married for nearly 30 years). She feels likes her whole life is crumbling before her eyes. Loss is the number one trigger for depression. Its not easy to move through and yet we all will have to face loss in our life. In my professional opinion, loss of a significant other is the worst type of loss followed by the death of a child. After that I believe a child losing a parent is also very traumatic. One of the best things to do during the times you experience these thoughts is to talk to others about your thoughts (people that are supportive) and then also ask yourself what is going on right now within you that is triggering these images. Become inquisitive with yourself. For instance, "What is going on specifically right now that has me thinking about suicide?" "What other thoughts and feelings am I experiencing?" "Am I fighting with this thoughts and emotions?" The goal is to diffuse these thoughts and feelings... especially when they are at their peak. For me, talking to someone about them usually difusses them quite a bit. It's super scary to keep experiencing these thoughts. My clients find it scary and I find it scary. But know this- you in no way are alone in experiencing these things. We are all human and tend to all experience similar things. Many people do not talk about it or only talk about it with counselors and pastors. If you feel the thoughts are overtaking you please contact a suicide or help hotline. Also- try not to put yourself in any position where there is means to harm yourself. Right now you feel emoty, lost, and profoundly sad. I wish this was not normal but it is. Eventually things will get better... an hour here.. a few minutes there... then a day or two. Keep yourself safe while you are in the storm... while you are in the thick of it. I'll be praying for you.