To abstain or not to abstain, that is the question?

Mixed report on first fortnight. The issue is the week-ends and two or three binge evenings. Without these I would be fine. Habit of a lifetime really. So about 40 units each week in total, which may not seem much to some here, but I don't feel in control. A bit like a car with faulty brakes. Not a good feeling and I just lost half a night's sleep. Usually I'm a good sleeper but that is the effect of last night's binge.

I am pretty clear on the issue for me. Two or three drinks and stop - fine (say 5-6 units). More than that and it is an open question on where it ends up. Usually in double figures. That's a binge. I think the short term enjoyment of the binge is often to compensate for other stuff bringing me down. Some of these may be running in our lives for decades. But, of course, adding alcohol use disorder to whatever other disorder there is in life just makes for one more issue to resolve. So I enjoyed the beer and the bottle of wine with dinner last night but it shortened my sleep and leaves me full of regret this morning. It does feel like a merry go round that isn't very merry; and on one or two binges per week, I need to get off.

Not a good week so far. 2 dry days and 2 'binges' which lost me sleep. Over 6 units or so and I wake after 3-4 hours sleep and then just doze so it costs me half a night's sleep. Yesterday I had a couple of beers - even counted the units on my Drinkaware app - and then made a bad decision to buy a bottle of white wine at the local shop which I shared, but had two-thirds. Units in double figures and another half night's sleep. I know whole bottles of white are a bad idea but something just said: 'I don't care. I'm going to enjoy this.' Which I did! Till I woke at 4 am. This feels like addiction or a habit that I seem to just want to give in to at times. And yet I know the consequences. Very odd behaviour. I suspect something underneath it all - I get depressed at times - is causing me to look to alcohol for relief. And, of course, in the short term it works. So drinking too much is not entirely irrational.

Not a good week-end but if the week has lapses then the total for the whole week is usually too high. Getting on for 50 units. If only I could always stop at 5 or 6 units. I do sometimes but I feel like a car with faulty brakes and you wouldn't want to go for a drive in one of those! And another half night of sleep. For me too much wakes me up although I know others in these forum find alcohol helps them to sleep. I discovered what is happening to me on 6+ units is called glutamine rebound where the liver counter acts the effect of too much alcohol by producing something to keep the system going. It's like strong coffee and I can feel it buzzing through me lying awake in bed. It can last all through the second half of the night so it's 3 or 4 hours poor quality sleep followed by dozing in between buzzing. Honestly, why would anyone want to put themselves through this just for an extra two or three glasses of wine? I guess that is why it is called a disorder.

I am going to go AF.  Joined the group on FB called Club Soda and love it.  Reading This Nake Mind - excellent book on why we drink....so much good and new information to me in there.  Some of it makes me pretty angry about how we are conditioned and about the alcohol industry.  Think about going AF?  I'm giving it a go.