Tocophobia is the fear of being pregnant or of giving birth. There are a lot of discussion forums in America, but very few active ones in the UK and I really need people to tell me that what I'm feeling is okay.
I'm due to be married at the end of this year and I've always maintained that I didn't want children. However, recently, with the wedding and the fact that I'm due to turn 30 this year I think my clock has started ticking. That doesn't stop the feelings and the fears that I have relating to pregnancy. These are not just the worries of a 'normal' pregnant woman, they are far worse. I know that if I found out that I was pregnant I would have to abort it because the idea of there being something growing inside me is disgusting to me, it makes me feel physically sick. Looking at pregnant women disgusts and horrifies me too. I can't tell people this, they think that there's something wrong with me and they get offended and that just makes me feel like I'm a freak.
For me it isn't so much the pain of birth, I'm not adverse to pain and I know that there are plenty of ways to deal with it, though the idea of it doesn't exactly thrill me. The thought of having to carry this alien thing around inside me for nine months does horrify me. I don't see it as a miracle, I see it as more like a growth. I worry that I wouldn't bond with it when it was born, that I would resent it for everything that it put me through for nine months.
I've discussed all this with my partner, who always knew that I wasn't keen on children, but I don't think he really understands how serious this is for me. We've talked about adoption, because I do want children, it's not that I hate kids, but I don't think my partner is a hundred percent on board with that idea.
Does anyone else understand what I'm going through, because I try explaining this to friends, who sympathise but don't really understand the way I feel. With the wedding only a few months away friends and family keep saying to me 'kids next' and I just freeze and smile politely, knowing I can't say how I feel.
Any responses would be great, just to know that there is someone else out there?