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Too depressed

Posted , 4 users are following.

julie92908
julie92908

I am so depressed I feel I have nothing left in me. I'm 57 work all the time and just feel there is nothing left for me. I'm single and very lonely, I'm quite an outgoing person and love going out, of course with all the lock downs I don't see anybody anymore. I never laugh anymore and I do like to laugh, even when I go out afterwards I'm lonely and depressed. I was in an awful marriage for 25 years, my husband put me down, he never cared for me and caused me horrendous depression I was so close to suicide for years. I thought once I left him I'd get better but I'm not. I have been bullied my whole life because of my figure, in fact there's not a part of my body I've not been bullied for. I'm tall 5 foot 7 inch and weigh 10 stone 6 pound, women have bullied me to the point where I feel like a freak and have done for most of my life. The last time I was bullied was because I don't have big breasts, a worker pointing laughing hysterically look at you you have no tits omg do you want some of mine she couldn't stop laughing at me. I went home went to bed and didn't get up for 2 days. It took me so long to get over the last bullying. For instance this is what I go through my legs are too long my feet are too big my fingers too long my hairs too short my arms are too long I've lost weight when I haven't I'm anorexic I'm bulemic I don't eat. I do eat I eat a lot but I will never be ok to anyone. Everything in my life goes wrong. Not 1 man would go out with me now, I went on the dating sites and got treat that bad I had to come off. I really don't see a future for me I'm not getting any younger and my life isn't getting any better. I have bowel disease and have been really ill, it's the hardest thing I've been through it nearly took my life and if I am ill again with it I don't think I'd get through it again. I don't want to live the rest of my life like this but don't see it getting any better, every year I think maybe next year things will change but they don't. I have a 28 year old daughter that lives with me who I know loves me but causes me a lot of stress. I told her when I die everything I have is hers, my home is paid for, my car and any savings I have is hers and she shouted at me saying and how can I afford to live here, she wouldn't have a mortgage she'd have my money the lot and she's shouting going mad at me? Wow I've worked my whole life to be mortgage free I never have and never will have anything given and that really rocked me I can't get passed that and am seriously thinking of changing my will. Anyway I have nobody to care for me I want some to care for me and me to care for them but that will never happen now and I'm not coping well at all, every week I think just do it and all the upset you feel will be gone. My childhood was awful really bad and I can't forgive my parents for the lives we had, my family is so estranged all because of the way we suffered as children and I can't get over that it still haunts me. I really want to die but don't have the guts to do it but don't want to carry on like this any more the depression is so bad.

0 likes, 3 replies

3 Replies

  • Jonesy77
    Jonesy77 julie92908

    Posted

    Hi Julie, I'm so sorry to read about all of the stuff you've had to deal with in life and that things are still messing with your head now. Have you ever had CBT to help you look into how your thoughts affect how you feel? It sounds to me like you could really benefit from some form of professional therapy. Are you on any medication for your depression?

  • sam18386
    sam18386 julie92908

    Edited

    hi julie, i think a hug for what you have been through could help you. i am sending you a virtual hug first and foremost! i think you are brave and need some decent support, someone to talk to and time for you. someone needs to help replace that smile. this lockdown is getting to hardiest people. people can be do cruel about differences and it's up to them to change not you. you are you who you are! your daughter loves you and needs you without you she would be devastated i am sure. please don't stop eating, starving will not help you fight your illness although i do partly understand as i have coeliac disease and have days when i don't want to eat either. take each day bit by bit! please contact me again, feel free! please take care of you.

  • jan34534
    jan34534 julie92908

    Edited

    Julie I’m so sorry for what you are going through. There are people out here who DO care about you! and I am one of them. This world is full of bullies that’s true as I have been bullied when I was younger also.

    One thing I learned is that when we allow other people to literally make us feel sick, depressed, anxious etc. what we are doing is giving away our power to them!

    What happens is that the people that were bullies or being rude to you are gone now out of your life and they’re not thinking about what they did to you anymore. They just go on with their lives ! but you are still carrying the burden of how that bullying made you feel. And you are depressed. What I say to that is DONT give away your power to them!

    And this is where some counseling comes in. They show you how to let go of all that garbage that has happened to you.

    THERE IS HOPE!! with some support you can definitely move on! You can find peace in your heart and in your mind!

    I can also tell you that I was in a 26 year marriage that was verbally abusive to me and I finally got a divorce. However after that I felt completely lost! I was also very lonely and none of the men that I dated was right for me. I am still alone and it does get very lonely. But through counseling and through listening to some great talks on YouTube, it really made me think about everything and how I can not allow my past or anything in my present to make me sick and depressed.

    You and I are worth way more than that! Also, do not give up on finding a nice man. They are out there! And they are not all bullies. . yes it takes time to find as I know very well. But that’s OK. This is a good time to work on yourself ! .

    You have so many qualities that you’re not even thinking of. it’s time to take care of YOU! you need to put yourself FIRST!

    I had to start becoming a fighter for myself. I stopped being concerned about what everybody else thought. It was time for me! I started getting a little bit of exercise even just walking, started eating healthier, got counseling,

    DONT let the bullies win!

    so my main advice for you at this time is to get some counseling. Let it all out! It’s a big relief to do that. Take one step at a time. you will build up your self-esteem and confidence. we are here for you! And you are going to be OK! ❤

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