Too many memories

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I'm stopping bupropion. My anxiety is definately better than when I was on it, especially the higher doses, but I currently keep reflecting on various unpleasant memories, not neccessarily traumatic, but unpleasant. Like I keep reviewing my entire life, not the good memories, but the bad ones, or especially things from when I was young, petty crime things where I could've gotten into trouble. At the moment, I'm wondering if there was or is something serious wrong with my brain that has lead me to be so stupid so often. Or just remembering cruel people and the bad things they did, not just to me but in general. Many of the kids I grew up or went to school with ended up in prison, addicted to heroin, and/or died young. Some of them are or were sociopathic. For whatever reason, my brain is making me review all of this information and I'm sick of it. Buproion definately didn't agree with me, and I know that most of this anxiety and obsessive thinking is simply a side effect of the drug, and now, a discontinuation symptom. Still, the anxiety also opened my eyes to many changes I needed to make in my life, many things to which I was numb or blind. I'm looking forward to getting this drug out of my system, but I also want to retain some of the wisdom gained from this otherwise miserable experience. I want enough perspective to improve my life, without being swamped with disgust for myself, though I probably deserve it. I'm trying not to hate myself. I think that self-loathing has been a major source of problems in my life. I'm just trying to see my way through it.

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  • Posted

    hi mate. I am exactly the same. like you say there are a lot of very horrible nasty cretins when your younger/at school etc and certain events have given me social anxiety which I hate and has effectively ruined my chances of making anything of my life. when I dwell on things I go back to my younger days and horrible things that happened. it's all about looking forward and leaving all them reprobates to die young and be smack heads. I've always thought if I moved away maybe I could leave the not so nice memories behind but I have kids and family etc which I don't want to leave. you're not alone mate. thinking forward is the only way forward. Good luck buddy!

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    • Posted

      Thank you, Gazza! I mostly hate the fact that I associated with those people and didn't have better judgement. Still, I'm glad I didn't go down the same road as they did. My son's mother was one of those people. She died years after we split up, but not before exposing him to her poisonous world. Thankfully, he's an adult now and a good man. Looking forward is indeed the way to go. Most of the time, I can, but when something goes wrong internally (anxiety, etc), it's amazing how fast all of that garbage oozes back to the surface. Yeah, I wondered too what it would be like if I had moved away, but I had too many roots here to do so. I think we need to focus on the present and future, because the past can be a parasite, leeching away energy from the here and now. Good luck, Gazza, and thanks for the words!

       

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  • Posted

    Jasper I had a young life very much the same as you described, with regard my family and their associated problems, these problems just cleared four years ago and I was about sixty when I started my new life, I am now sixty six years old 

    We have been lucky we disappeared and live a new life.

    All I can suggest is decide what would help you put all that negativity to bed and move on. Then do it.

    It is no good having all this self loathing you need to accept what you  have done in the past and move on, if you have a bad criminal record look for ways to clear your concience or just life with the regret and move on, that should help you come to terms with your past. You need to not do the errors again and work towards a more positive, attitude where you become understanding to other peoples needs

    BOB

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    • Posted

      Thank you, Bob! Fortunately, I actually have no criminal record, just a few things I regret from my youth. When I was young, I was very attracted to negativity and vice versa. I guess what you seek also seeks you.

      Whatever's going on in my mind now, I just have to come to terms that I was broken then, and not the same person as now. It really does feel like I was sharing my life with another person, or that someone else borrowed it and returned it the worse for wear.

      I think sometimes I feel like I need a specific reason or event to attribute to a change in myself, but in reality I think that we change all the time, unless we get stuck at a particular age. And when that change becomes significant enough, it can be shocking to look back on a former self. Thank you for the advice. It is definitely time to move on and live in the present.

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