Toxic family members

Posted , 4 users are following.

Is it okay to cut out toxic family members out of your life?? Mine are completely toxic and demeaning. It breaks my heart they don't support me and all they do is kick me when I'm down. I'm the scape goat of the family and I'm a nervous wreck.

2 likes, 8 replies

Report / Delete

8 Replies

  • Posted

    Hi Lauren,

    That decision is up to you. I cut many toxic people out of my life. It was difficult at first but I am much better because I did so. I also got a lot of therapy both individually and in a group. If you can, I suggest you get some form of therapy to help you through it. Wishing you the best...

    Report / Delete Reply
  • Posted

    Yes its okay but in this process forgive them and forgive yourself for any and all abuse that occurred. Betrayl is hard but necessary to forgive. My sister was extremly toxic and massively self absorbed but also had real issues and became so insensitive to everyine but herself it became impossible to interect. She hurt almost everyone in my family and did not care at all. I know she is clearly mentally ill even if she cant admit the levels of it and she does take prozac, which made her more insensitive then ever. I let go but im still trying to forgive her for her meaness and myself for believing in her and feeling so betrayed. I know to heal and be healthy of anxiety these people must be ejected from your life but forgiveness must accompany it.We do not get to choose the family we are born into so yes they can be toxic. I can so relate to toxic family members.  
    Report / Delete Reply
  • Posted

    look up oprah supersoul classes. There was a man reverend guy who talks about how some people are oint people and they cant give you more. They are just giving all they have and their capacity and the importance of lowering your expectations. Its just really good thoughts. It helps to forgive those that just teuely dont live up ro any of our expectations and are incapable of providing the comfort or love you need to grow.
    Report / Delete Reply
    • Posted

      Thank you so much Lisa for your advice. I actually have been struggling majorly because I can't seem to forgive them for what they said or did to me in the past. I don't know why but it's just so hard for me to let go. The things they did were horrible but every time I'm around them I have panic attacks and I seem to dissociate myself to the point where I'm lifeless but my body is there. I'm away from them now but it eats me alive every single day.
      Report / Delete Reply
  • Posted

    Me too. But my sister is just too self absorbed. I think it boils down to figuring out how to forgive myself for believing in her which is really hard for some strange reason. Maybe the false sense of family comradery but it doesnt exist so i know and did walk away. She would force me to apologize while she was the nasty one.. She would have the nerve to tell me it was me or i was insensitive or whatever blaming technique she felt was viable but half the time made no sense to me at all.she would get mean if i wouldnt drop my life and family to hear her crap of the day that went on for hours and hours sometimes. You know i would dread her calls because it was at the point she would say how she would always be there for me but she wasnt there. She was selfish and cold and i chose to keep thinking she was sad  and i was wrong for years and years until one day i had enough and told her how i felt. She got offended, which i find hilarious cause she would be so nasty to me and not give a hoot. You cant fix people and expecting them to change is on you. We are all taught family is everything and blood is thicker then water but i have found this is not true at all. You have to take them as they are and be able to except the little love they give or forget it.it doesnt make you a bad person at all. But very very important to figure out how to forgive yourself for betrayl and for believing in them. Im trying so hard to figure that out myself. Look a part of you feels if anything went wrong who would be there, but i will tell you that i have learned toxic people arent there. Just good at excuses and airy talk.i have close friends who have been there for me and noted how mean my suster was treating me and i just didnt see it. We see what we need to see i guess. Anyway im rambling on but i understand this battle very well. Good luck and love yourself first and expect little to nothing from them.
    Report / Delete Reply
  • Posted

    I have so many thoughts and feelings about this topic from my experience but I won't go into detail. All I can say is that we have the right to distance ourselves from people who we feel hurt us. People who we hurt have the right to distance themselves. This topic just brings so many emotions and difficult to put into words.
    Report / Delete Reply
  • Posted

    YES! It is essential to cut toxic family members out of your life. Their issues and problems are not yours to carry. Surround yourself with kind, loving, helpful, good people if at all possible, and make every effort to be that way yourself. Focus your efforst on BEING a loving, kind, compassionate, forgiving, good, fun loving person, and that will help you to attract others that are the sme. Like minds think alike and like to hang out together. You need to cut the toxic people right out of your life, but then you also need to get rid of the 'hurt, broken, victim' part of yourself. If you continue to see the toxic people, you will never be able to get rid of the 'hurt, broken, victim' parts of yourself because they will always trigger those again and again, and then you can't heal.

    Only you can save yourself (although good frineds supporting you definitely helps), and you need to save yourself as quickly as possible, so you change your life and become happy, safe and stable, loved and lovable and confident.

    Best of luck.

    Report / Delete Reply
  • Posted

    I have a sister-in-law who constantly puts me down and makes my life miserable. In the past she made comments like, "I Bought you candy bars for a present because they are the only thing I could find that would fit you."  I have been overweight my whole life and that comment was made when i was 13 years old, so you can imagine the effects of her words on my self-image. Anyway...I always thought I needed to be nice to her because I loved my brother (who often apologised for her words) and because by not sticking up for myself I could keep the peace since she loved the drama and if i tried to talk to her she became REALLY nasty.. I was nervous around her. My husband hated family events because of her. She wasn not nice to my parents and they constantly bit their tongues so as not to put her "in a snit" as my mom would say. She criticised my children and I had to constantly run interfenance between her and my family. I hated  every  contact with her but always tried to be nice and supportive. When I was 50 years old...I talked to a therapist who asked me why I was willing to degrade myself and allow her to degrade me and my family. I had never thought i could stick up for myself! I spoke with my brother and told him that he made the choice to marry her and to stay with her even though she was horrible to him also. I told him i would always love him but it was WAY past time to stand up for my family and myself. We do not go to events she is at. I arrange family time in smaller intimate groups which allows us to keep close with family without the stress of her sharp tongue and harsh words. My brother comes for coffee and occasionally for lunch or breakfast when she is doing something else, so I get to keep my relationship with him. it takes a bit of work sometimes but it is so worth it to have cut her out of my life and my familys life. i do not hate her and i forgive her for what she has done because something must have made her the way she is...but I don;t have to  feel guilty for keeping her out of my life. You can choose who to keep in your life and just be honest with family members. You have the right to be happy and emotionally healthy. Also, i found that having close friends helps a lot...you can choose your friends but not your family, so you have to choose if they are worth the effort to have a close relationship with. The might even re-evaluate their actions when you are honest and cut them out of your life.
    Report / Delete Reply

Join this discussion or start a new one?

New discussion Reply

Report or request deletion

Thanks for your help!

We want the forums to be a useful resource for our users but it is important to remember that the forums are not moderated or reviewed by doctors and so you should not rely on opinions or advice given by other users in respect of any healthcare matters. Always speak to your doctor before acting and in cases of emergency seek appropriate medical assistance immediately. Use of the forums is subject to our Terms of Use and Privacy Policy and steps will be taken to remove posts identified as being in breach of those terms.

newnav-down newnav-up