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Tried and failed meds, therapy, and TMS, still just want to die.

Posted , 6 users are following.

RxDoc2010
RxDoc2010

At every visit with my psychiatrist she always asked if I've had thoughts of hurting myself and my answer has always been yes. What I mean to say is, every day. Would it make a difference if I sounded more serious? We have tried every antidepressant I can think of (I am a pharmacist), CBT, and TMS. I gave up on trying to get better last October. I have been clinically depressed for at least 6 years, tried to overdose on several hundred prescription pills and failed. I have a good job, a wife and 2 kids, and a nice roof over my head. I feel like life is an endless cycle of sleep, work, pay bills, and repeat.

There is truly no point to being alive. Why couldn't they respect my wish to die and leave me alone when I was found down 2 years ago? Why am I not allowed to decide I am done? It is not a temporary problem. I have wanted nothing but an end for years. I don't find joy in anything. I have no energy, motivation, or desire. I don't think about what could be or make plans for tomorrow. I close my eyes and wish to never open them again daily. Why am I not allowed to die? My only reason to live is to keep providing a pay check for my family. Why am I not allowed to die?

3 likes, 5 replies

5 Replies

  • Emis_Moderator
    Emis_Moderator RxDoc2010

    Edited

    Hi RxDoc2010,

    We note from a recent post which you have made to our forum that you may be experiencing thoughts around self-harm. If we have misinterpreted your comments then we apologise for contacting you directly. But if you are having such thoughts then please note that you are not alone in this, and there are people out there that can help.

    If you are having these suicidal thoughts then we strongly recommend you speak to someone who may be able to help. The Samaritans offer a safe space where you can talk openly about what you are going through. They can help you explore your options, understand your problems better, or just be there to listen.

    Their contact details are on our patient information leaflet here: https://patient.info/health/dealing-with-suicidal-thoughts, which also offers lots of other advice on how you can access the help you may need.

    If you are having such thoughts then please do reach out to the team at the Samaritans (or the other people detailed in our leaflet) who will understand what you're going through and will be able to help.

    The Samaritans is a UK based charity, but they also have suggestions for how you can access help in other countries. If you are based in the US there are several helplines which can help you.

    They include the Crisis Call Center on Phone: (800) 273-8255;

    Hopeline Network on Phone: (800) 422-HOPE (1-800-422-4673)

    and the National Suicide Prevention Hotline on Phone: (800) 273-TALK (1-800-273-8255).

    Please do reach out - there are many good people who can help.

    For users outside of the UK or USA please have a look at this page https://www.befrienders.org/directory

    Kindest regards,

    Patient

  • barbara66703
    barbara66703 RxDoc2010

    Edited

    your selfish desire to end your life is sad. depression is a serious illness and call the help line if you need counseling now. Please.... do you understand what the loss of a husband, father, son, which is what you are to your family...does to a family? is this the legacy you want to be remembered by? would you ask for other medications that may help you. not just the antidepressants but try asking for other meds treatment resistance depression.

    depression/guide/treatment-resistant-depression-what-is-treatment-resistant-depression?

    Your family needs you and wants you to fight and over come this horrible disease...depression. I have been there it is not an easy fight. you can get thru this because you are loved and your family wants you to be happy more than anything to help you to find comfort and a reason for your life is what all accomplishments you have achieved. dont be so hard on yourself take the credit for what you do every single day to give your family love and life for every single day.

    sending recovery blessings for your journey to find the understanding in your heat that life is a "Gift".

  • sam18386
    sam18386 RxDoc2010

    Posted

    hi rxdoc2, now i don't know you. i have only seen your post on here. i knoe something though, i am training to be a counsellor and as such i learnt something vital. i can"t tell anyone what to do, i can't stop you seeing this through until the end. but.i can ask you 1 key, vital question and ask you to be honest with a stranger who doesn't know you by asking just this - have you made ANY plan to end your life, where, when, how etc? can you really be honest with yourself more than anyone question what you REALLY, truly, hand on heart think. is there any way you can say ANYTHING truthfully? i am NOT saying you don't tell the truth but to your heart you think???? if you contact back then you did have just a teeny glimmer of hope! i won't say good luck but i have spoken the truth....

  • jan34534
    jan34534 RxDoc2010

    Edited

    I agree with Barbara. The devastating impact on your family of you taking your own life would be horrific! The kids would somehow blame themselves and your wife would too. They would never get over it and their life would be a mess.

    read over Barbara‘s comment again I really really think about it. There’s all kinds of help and support out there. Each and everyone of us goes through what you mentioned. The cycle of sleep, work, pay bills. That’s not all life is about. Of course we have to do that everybody does. But then there’s a time for play, doing things with the family spending time with your kids., Laughing with them. Doing something you enjoy possibly volunteering, playing a sport with people your age, getting some exercise helps relieve depression! Even just walking. There’s so many activities that can help lift your depression! You need a balance of work and fun. sounds like you are all about work which is not healthy.

    your family need you not just for financial support. They need you to be a dad. A Husband. yes life is too short so make the most of it so that your children have wonderful memories. Of the times you spent with them. i’m sorry you have depression but don’t let depression win. Don’t let it defeat your family.

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