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Hey. I'm new here and I'm thinking I want to try and write this down.
I'm 36yo man and married, first baby on the way and I'm struggling. Not with the marriage
Not with the baby, but with absolutely everything else. I have a reasonable home, I work for
Good people. I have some amazing friends, and I've had a pretty interesting life. My problem is
That day by day I seem to be slipping into a more confused state. I am suffering with anxiety so badly that I have to drag myself to work, the only thing that gets me there is the fact I don't want my wife to know how I'm feeling. I'm on the edge of tears most of the day, I suffer with tight chest and that constant sickness in the pit of my stomach, pressure behind my eyes, I always feel flushed and self aware but the worst of it is a constant fear of everything. I constantly have to regulate my breathing for fear of a panic attack. And I constantly hide it from everyone. I've started going to the bathroom at work every hour on the hour, washing my hands before I go in, spending a few minutes where no one can see me so I can relax for a second, flushing the toilet (even though I haven't had to use it) coming out and washing my hands again, and then I get back into hiding the way I'm feeling again. The only time I dot feel like this is on a Sunday when I get to spend the day with my amazing wife. I sound very selfish because I know I have the relationship most people would do anything for, a good life in general and a little girl on the way. This is what scares me, there is no rational reason for my anxiety. I believe I have or I am developing some sort of mental illness. I worry about everything from money to health to the way people see me to my performance at work to my future. I hate it and don't know what to do. On the outside I'm together, but inside I'm in knots. Completely out of control. I've come close to suicide four times in 8 years and I've had to shout at myself to stop myself from doing anything. No one knows how close I've come and I'm truly ashamed to know how close I have been in the past.
I used to be the sort of person who had everything sorted. And I hate the person I am now.
There are many more sides to my daily anxiety and I have to say some of the posts here have helped me recognise it for what it is. I can't do meds, I won't do meds, but I don't know what to do.
I don't know if anyone here recognises any of these feelings or thoughts or if they can offer any advice. I would be truly greatful. My dream is to see my wife and my little girl happy, and loved, and safe. I don't want to continue down his road for fear (that word again) of affecting them.
Thanks in advance.
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